A nicely developing story. This is a timely topic nowadays because we are coming to that time when the World government would want to enslave all of us with the help of a chip implanted in the brain. It will use it not only to read our private information and handle our financial, search and travel needs, but also affect and control our behavior. There is a good story on the effect of a memory chip in the show “Dark Mirror.”
I see what you intended to utilize Jerry character for. The conversation between Arn and Jerry introduces much of a back story not known to the reader. Therefore, after that conversation is over you basically don’t need this character anymore. However, in my view, the conversation is a little forced. There are too many details of the backstory known to the people living in the story reality for them to discuss them in such detail rather than just glide over them as something self-evident.
For example, these lines…
“How else you gonna pay for stuff man? We don't have paper money no more. Digital wallet, yeah, up here.' A tap to the temple. 'How you gonna get in places. Most of them are wired up to respond to the netic's or at the least to let the chippers in?”
There are obviously said for a reader because Arn and all other people of that reality knew that by heart. Realizing that you don’t have that much time, still it seems these details could be fed in a smoother, gradual way. For example, inside of comparisons.
‘New tech’ he thought grimly. He carried on, past the local bar, once a favoured busy haunt back in the time when paper money was still used. Now boarded, and closed like a digital wallet after the end of the transaction. No business when people could be who they wanted or felt how they pleased in their own heads rather than being wired up to respond to the netic's or at the least to let the chippers in.
There are also a couple more interesting (from my point of view) moments that I will discuss in a separate post and if you would like I can send you a link to it.
You are right here. I was using the conversation to drive home these points but certainly could have done it another way similar to what you suggest.
In fact I really like that paragraph you edited above. I am more than happy to discuss these further. I am not hugely experienced in writing. I have ideas and storylines in my head and appreciate any help in getting those ideas out in a more organic way.
So yes, please feel free to discuss further.
And thank you. I do appreciate comments such as this. It is how we learn rather than just throwing out stories into the ether with no feedback.
Thank you for understanding!
I am writing an article of a sort and would like to use one sentence from the second part of your story as an illustration of the point I am making. I found your story at random, was just scanning some of them. Most of the work in your story were nicely done and I won’t be tangled with other problems. So cool. Once I finish, I’ll send you the link to the article.
Cheers
That would be fantastic. You are welcome to use the line. I am fascinated now by which one lol. I look forward to reading your post. Do send the link in case I miss it :-)
Hi,
This is the article....
https://steemit.com/writing/@mgaft1/moving-prose-writing-from-a-conscious-to-a-subconscious-level
Cheers!