William Southold | Opinion Columnist |The Southold Report
“Speaking fiction to power one story at a time.”
I was reading the paper and watching TV this morning and heard something I thought my wife would be interested in. So I yelled to her in the other room, “Hon. Sixty percent of women wear the wrong size hats!”
I immediately heard a voice at my feet.
“Wrong size pads. You know, pads? Go ahead, yell her your correction.”
Of course, that was my dog, Middie. I looked at her without saying anything. And we were off to the races again.
Middie: Can we talk?
Me: If you insist.
Middie: Well, let’s start with your discussion with Mrs. S., last night.
Me: Our discussion?
Middie: Look, I have come to a decision this morning. You are going to Atlanta to cover the Democratic debate, correct?
Me: How do you know that?
Middie: Please. I have ears. And judging from what you just yelled, they are a lot sharper than yours. I heard you and Mrs. S. talking, let us say, not unemotionally, about it last night. It was hard not to hear. You broke the news to her that CNS has asked you to consider a new assignment. They tell me you didn’t even stop to consider it, you accepted on the spot.
Me: They tell you. Who is they?
Middie: I have my sources. You are going to be hitting the campaign trail, first stop Atlanta. Mrs. S. thinks the whole idea is crazy, she doesn’t see how she could possibly come along, and you need, let us say, “supervision” at this point.
Middie, who had glanced down the hall, returned her gaze on me.
Middie: I overheard it all. She wants to make sure you take care of yourself, follow your new diet, which you ignored masterfully, I might add, at our luncheon the other day. In my view she is a bit of a pushover in that regard, don’t you think?
I ignored that, but Middie continued.
Middie: Look. I’ve made a decision this morning. I’m coming with you.
Me: With me?
Middie: Perhaps we should wait and discuss this later. I can see that your blood pressure is rising.
I glanced over at the side table and the pressure cuff on it. My heart doctor has requested I keep a daily diary of my blood pressure, for the next time I see him.
Me: No. Let’s hear this.
Middie: Well, when it comes to pushovers, I am the furthest thing from it, as far as you are concerned. I will make sure you eat right. Think of all those county fair type events you will be attending, with their fast food trucks. You won’t be stopping at them, with me in tow. All the rallies. And I will make sure you take your meds, and get the rest you need. Yes! I am going with you!
Me: But how will I . . . you can’t . . . a dog on the campaign trail?
Middie: End of discussion. I can and I will. Mrs. S will go along with it, she’ll think I will calm you down at the very least. You will return a slimmer, happier you. Something all of us can look forward to. Besides, I’ll want to have at least some input into what you post as you cover the politics of it. I have quite a nose for news.
Me: But . . .
Middie: Done! Make the reservations. We’re headed to Atlanta, baby, next Dem debate. I’m going to give some thought as to what I might want to bring along. Toot-a-loo.
With that Middie got up and turned to leave.
Middie: Oh, here’s a tip. If you are going to Georgia to cover anything political, best to listen to Bill Nigut on GPB radio.
Me: GPB . . .
Middie: Georgia Public Broadcasting. The man presents the best political analysis you will ever hear - "Political Rewind" - has the most contrary guests discussing the issues in the most congenial way. The way politics should be discussed. Just take a listen. You will understand the issues and appreciate Atlanta all the more.
That sounded like good advice.
Middie: Tyler Perry studios - Oprah Winfrey Soundstage? I want to meet Rachel Maddow. And Buttigieg! I’ve got a few questions for him. You'll have to ask, of course.
Now she had me fairly deep in thought.
Middie: C’mon man, get your nose in the game. Do you even check your Twitter feed? Do you even know about "Political Rewind" or AJC’s "Political Insider"? You weren't following either, but now you are. On your phone. I signed you up. I can’t be the only news hound in this relationship.
I had no question that she had done just that, given her previous technological demonstrations. I must have left my phone in the bedroom.
Middie: Are we going to defend freedom of the press and fight back against all this enemy of the people nonsense? Let’s get out there.
So there it was. I also had no doubt that she could now, actually be my therapy dog. I wasn’t ready to accept that I needed this particular one, but still, she had her points.
I shall keep you informed.
Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold
(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)
