I have found the cause of yesterday's unexpected spike. You're welcome.

lordvader (69)in #funny • 8 years ago

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, whose value seems to grow exponentially every day, has informed me that in addition to being astounded by road maps and forks, now many of your inhabitants have caused quite a ruckus over "spikes".

I know you are a primitive people but a "spike" is simply another word for a "spear". Even Ewoks designed over-complicated, Rube Goldberg-esque contraptions to combat my dimwit bucket heads. They did not merely rely on their spikes. Although, their spears did make excellent spits on which to roast them.

Ahhhh....

Vera just informed me that this "spike" you are all obsessed with has to do with you non-galactic credit based monetary system. In fact, it involves one of the few shining jewels of your otherwise laughable attempts at technology: Steem.

Steem and its Steem Backed Dollars are two of the few things that has kept me from punishing your planet for its repeated insolence. I am curious to see how its adoption plays out. My ownership of it has already allowed me to Force choke nearly twice as many people per day (Vera's choke jar accepts Steem and SBD).

Apparently yesterday for a brief time, the price of these SBDs (Not STDs... very important distinction) jumped dramatically causing a "spike".

I still don't understand why you fools have the colors reversed and green lightsabers are good and red lightsabers are bad... but you are idiots. I should stop trying to figure you out.

Since approximately 23:00 yesterday, many of your people have been running around like a Ewok with its head cut off trying to ascertain the cause of this sudden jump in price.

Although it has been highly amusing, I have grown weary of watching this pathetic display.

I will solve this baffling mystery for all of you.

It is not easy being the most amazing being in the universe. Everywhere I go, people are always bothering me and taking my picture (I can only Force choke so many... until Steem reaches $1000. Then I will be able to afford to pay Vera's choke jar.) Because sometimes I prefer privacy to the awe and admiration of the masses, I sometimes wear a disguise when I venture out into public. Usually it is enough to simply wear a hat and pull it over my eyes.

Yesterday at approximately 22:30 your time, I put this on and went outside...

"Who is that handsome devil? I don't know? It's so hard to tell with that hat in the way."

Unfortunately, a team of your greatest detectives saw through my disguise.

This brain trust can get to the bottom of any mystery. Although I don't know if that one guy ever figured out what his fingers smell like.

Once those sleuths found out, it was only a matter of time before that image of me in the hat went viral.

Everyone who already didn't know was asking, "What is Steem? Why is Lord Vader wearing a hat with a Steem logo? Why is Lord Vader so freaking cool? Do you think Lord Vader will marry me?"

I'm sure if you search, you will find that as soon as that photo went public, nearly everyone on your planet was searching for Steem. I asked Dennis to provide me with these numbers... but he too is fascinated by what his fingers smell like and is unable to perform this task at the moment.

Needless to say, this image caused your people to attempt to buy SBD at a record pace. Who can blame them?

I had this same affect about 60 years ago. This guy's business was about to go into bankruptcy until he was photographed with me.

The sign outside his restaurant read "8 served"... until I put it on the map.

This is the second time in the past three months that my inadvertent endorsement of a product has lead your people into a buying frenzy.

A few months ago, I allowed my likeness to be placed on one of these...

I designed this as part of a joke/wager. I bet Vera that I could get you idiots to become addicted to spinning a simple toy with your fingers. Vera didn't think it was possible. She was wrong. I got 12 free Force chokes out of the bargain.