Enclosed you will find the dastardly details of a crime most heinous commited for the sake of folly. Yes, for shits and giggles. Also, for honor and revenge.
Let's set the scene.
Sam was not one to fuck with. A real no nonsense kind of woman and hilarious as shit. I thought I was good at taking hell and flinging it back... until I met her.
It was a beautiful spring day, at least, I assume. We were stuck inside charting schematics and doing ridiculous amounts of shitfuck math.
Claustrophobic as it was, we made the best by sitting at a long table in the back, throwing about whispered foulness to break up the tediousness of our studies. In the moment of hushed laughter following a pretty good dick joke, James let loose a demon from his bowels. A right fat fucking fart, and used his 15lbs book to fan the cloud of anal leakage right into the face of our laughing Sam.
The laughter cut off from all members of the party, for the exception of James. James thought it was perfection. The rest of us... the rest of us watched her eyes narrow and knew he had made a mistake.
We returned from lunch with a renewed vigor for learning. (not really) Sam sat down next to me. She looked left, she looked right, and she hoisted a bag filled to the brim with items. I didn't think much of it, until she began sitting them on the desk in front of her. And that is when it hit me.
She was lining up an arsenal.
She had gone to the local mart and selected every anal twisting, stomach gurgling, knarly ass gas forming snack she could afford. She was going to war.
I crept my hand into my bag, and pulled out a pair of ear plugs and put them in my pocket as I watched her tear through two pickled eggs and a jalapeño sausage soaking in oil.
I was about to witness a fucking MURDER.
Within 20 minutes, in the deafening silence of the room was broken by a horrendous sound. It was what I imagine a rumble of an encroaching earthquake would sound like. It was her stomach.
With a swiftness I have never known, I grabbed my ear plugs and promptly shoved them in my nostrils. Nothing left now but to wait... and watch.
Then it happened, a crack, a snap, a groan...
PRRRRPFT FFFFT BBBBBRRRRRP POP
A sigh of relief.
I had front rows seats to a nuclear fallout with multiple civilian casualties. You could see where the cloud was floating by gauging the gagging of its victims. James and Tim were at ground zero and suffering chemical burns.
I sat there, mouth breathing, and watching in horror. I looked to Sam and she sat back, smiled, and said...
FUCK YEAH.
Awesome Steem me by none other than the spectacular @lauralemons
LMAO so this is what goes on during aircraft maintenance?! scary haha
I have stories that will make you want to stay on the ground forever.
Ahhh shit! I have a flight on Friday morning!
Hahah! Well, odds are you'll be fine! Hopefully.
All i can say is....you guys know how to have fun
Oh man, I've got plenty of stories from that school. It was a trip.
What a hilarious story! But... maybe you should go easy on the curses.
Thank you! And...
<3 <3 <3
XD
As Popeye would say
Damn You, Stitchy!!!
My Voting POWER was going oh so well, then I met YOU!!!
You leave me wrung out like a wet rag, tossed aside like a used condom,
Used, Abused, but laughing and shaking my head! :p
...AND WHO THE HELL HAS HIS HAND ON THAT LOVELY THIGH???
</green-eyed Monster>
That final gif is just pure magic...
I have a great respect for bowel twisting foulness, when someone smells something vile and accuses me of it while I'm not the culprit I'll always respond with "If I'd produced that, I'd have made damn sure you knew it was me, that's a fart to be proud of..."
I was going to make a joke about experiencing your friend's back passage first hand but then stopped, thought... after the laughter died off I thought best to make a joke about the joke ;)
I'll leave you with... Da-shiang bao-tza shr duh lah doo-tze!
Just wanted to let you know I'm coming back for a quality reply. Phone. So. Dead.
Fucking SHINY! I love meeting other browncoats! (By the way, I got my grandma into Firefly and they aired Serenity last night. She called me crying. :D)
Seriously, gut wrenching farts are a thing of beauty and pride. More people should proudly exclaim:
"That's right! Twas I!"
And carry on, I greatly desire this joke.
HAHAHAHAHAH!
LEAVE NO SURVIVORS
This post has received a sweet gift of Dank Amps in the flavor of 6.25 % upvote from @lovejuice thanks to: @stitchybitch. Vote for Aggroed!