Holy shit. This is really serious. In many ways, what you describe is very similar to my history as well. I fantasized about killing myself many times, but never followed through......well, I did put myself in the hospital once by cutting a huge part of my arm....I was drunk at the time, go figure.
It really sounds like you could use someone to help you through those times when you will feel like drinking. You need a partner for this. Do you have anyone now?
Because you came clean with all of this, and you are really wanting a big change, I will let you keep your SP, as you know I'm undelegating everyone, so as to focus solely on Slothicorn.
I think out of all the people I delegated to, I think you could use a bit of help about now. So, just keep the SP, and focus on getting well. You're going to need all the help, as kicking all those addictions at once is not to be a cakewalk. Oddly enough, I had all the same addictions as you, and very unhealthy connections to sex, drinking, drugs and also smoking. Actually, it is a miracle that I have kicked all these habits, and instead became a workaholic. You will need to focus on substitutions of addictions in the beginning....and retrain your brain to do something other than drinking. I would suggest you begin with finding something that your brain likes, that you can do instead of drinking.....do that other thing more and more. I have a lot of ideas in this area, as you know I was a hardcore alcoholic for much of my adult life. If you need ideas, let me know......you will have to construct a new life. That's the one thing that you will need to focus your mind on.
I am quite shocked by your admission.....I had no idea your mental health was that tragic. I know you can do this.
My mental health was strong and well, until it wasn't. But really it was just hiding behind work and booze, and not having to face myself and my problems head on. Which I tried to do the only way that I could figure. Strange as it may sound, I think I made the right decision that day, when I tried to end it. Since it didn't work, my life, mind, spirit, and resolve have been slowly growing.
It takes courage and strength to face your demons, and certainly conviction to make changes to your life. I would err on the caution of abstinence, only because staying away from something doesn't guarantee that you won't be affected by it. The best way to be free of an affliction is to be able to master your own control over how it affects you. Staying away from it means that it still controls you, but just in a different way. But if you need someone to hold you accountable, I suggest co-coach where you can also keep someone who has a goal accountable as well.
Do you have an accountability partner?
Also, you might need a doctor. A friend of mine who went cold turkey ended up having a seizure, which resulted in brain damage.....
I don't really have an accountability partner. Currently I'm in a space where no alcohol is allowed, and whenever the thought to drink arises I am able to quickly counter it with the harsh reality of what drinking gave me.
no, no doctors for me. for some reason since I've gotten out of the hospital I haven't craved alcohol at all, nor have I experienced ill effects from not drinking. :)
4 days sober, now. yay!