Every now and then the universe sends me a sobering reminder that there are very few things I have control over! In fact, it's usually through harsh and very uncool ways!
Trust me, I know all the cliche sayings like "let go, and let god," and "10% is what happens to you, and 90% is how you react to it."
Unfortunately, none of this fortune cookie logic helped me much when my negativity would send me into a downward spiral of Depression!
And along with that depression came very destructive behavior that almost ended me a few times.
This is something I never really spoke about. Mainly cause I tried too hard to project the image of somebody who had it all figured out!.... Which I clearly fucking didn't!
I wanted to be the "cool chick." The sexy bad-ass who wasn't affected by anything or anybody.
Not affected by assholes would use and abuse me (both literally and figuratively). Not affected by money problems. Not affected by insecurities.
But in actuality, I was screaming inside, while putting on "the act!"
I've always been an odd duck! Fascinated by dark and weird shit! So the "Morticia Addams/Elvira" thing I got going on isn't the "act" I was referring to.
Being honest with things like my feelings and my fears was the act! Actually being vulnerable with people? That's where I always felt like the "TRUE FREAK!"
I didn't want people to think I was just some weak, hysterical girl.
It wasn't until I reached one of the worst periods of my life that I realized I had to let go of what I was holding on to, and not be afraid of people seeing how damaged I actually was!
MY POINT IS...
It wasn't easy, or fun to get to where I am now. Not saying that I've reached the "final level of enlightenment" or some corny shit like that... but I am definitely in a better place than I was.
I still struggle with being open with people, that's always going to be a work in progress. I just have to continually face my fears of being vulnerable, and allow myself to be okay with people seeing at me at my crazy worst.
And I work daily on trying to stay positive no matter what "shit salad" the universe decides to serve up, by attacking the negativity before it has time to evolve into the five headed monster known as Depression!
Well, that's it my weirdos. I wish I had like "12 steps" or something more official for you to follow, but outside of meditation and red wine, I'm afraid that's it.
Besides, I'm fucking nuts, so you probably want to talk to an actual professional anyway!
I think every adult struggles with bring open, somewhere between being shushed as an honest toddler and a former SO in a broken heap, we allow society and our Ego to close is off.
Great piece!
Thanks luv. Yeah it was even kinda hard just writing about it. For some reason, society thinks only men struggle with being seen as "weak!"
Great post. Hope you continue to grow and be happy!
Gracias!
I am happy to look at your eyes. You look wonderful and full of happiness. Wow
Thank you for the kind words sir!
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STOPGood write up, I think being authentic is is what is important. I am so tired of meeting people who are pleasant when you meet them but complete douchebags as soon as you've turned your back. Being real is the way to go.
Woow welcome