I don’t have a “coming out” story to my parents, but I might as well have one.
ᴾʰᵒᵗᵒ ᵇʸ ᴬˡᵉˣᵃⁿᵈᵉʳ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᴾᵉˣᵉˡˢ
They would not admit it, but when I asked the “What-if” question, they saw a closet and I was close to coming out of it. However, like religious and conservative Filipino households, they knew better, or at least their indoctrinated socialization of sexuality was the only thing they knew, and they had to do something before I was thrust into hell, but nothing sounded like incarceration when my mother said, “I know you. You’re not that.”
At that time, apart from being her serving daughter, an average student with two best friends, and a One Direction fan, she didn’t know a lot of things about me.
She didn’t know how I blush every time I saw my friend, whom I met unexpectedly at a school event where she was volunteering and I was one of the organizers. My mother didn’t know how I calculated the distance between my hands and hers so that it wasn’t too close but close enough.
ᴾʰᵒᵗᵒ ᵇʸ ᴬⁿⁿᵃ ˢʰᵛᵉᵗˢ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᴾᵉˣᵉˡˢ
Perhaps, I was not better than my mother because I didn’t acknowledge how much I liked her. For sure, thinking I’ve convinced myself that I felt friendly feelings, friends make you grin from ear to ear when you receive a text message, even in the middle of class, and you would excuse yourself to the comfort room just to walk her to her next class. "As a friend," you would dedicate an entire journal to poems, lyrics, and drawings that made you think of her. Unmistakably, cupid’s arrow hit me right through my heart, but it was snapped in half with my mother’s words, “She is taking advantage of you.”
It had been my life-long psychological trigger, to be taken advantage of.
It happened more than once when my innocence was toyed with adult games. It occurred when a former friend of mine used me as an emotional sponge. Even my own parents, whether unconsciously or consciously, had used my willful obedience to be their therapists, or crutches in disciplining their own kids. All my life I was treated like an object, easy to manipulate, and so my kindness became my greatest flaw. This was how my mind connected the dots: Was her beautiful smile to blame? Was it a tactful display of bewildering enchantment?
I regret how it all ended. Yes, there is an ending to this story and I wish to report it was a happy one, but the trauma of coming out – of being who you are in spite of how people define you – still persists. Sadly, I caved into my parent’s homophobic speech, letting their words push me into the shadows of a boxed, restrictive space. I was 15 and needed my parents' approval, desperate for their acceptance and love.
And so I said goodbye to my dear friend, crying night after night, dreading to leave the house and show my face in school. How could I? I turned away the one person who made me feel safe to show I’m more than what people think of me. The closet was there and I was peeking through the gaps, but I didn’t step out. Afraid to be abandoned by my parents, I stayed inside.
After almost seven years since the question, “What if---I liked a girl?” I finally have the answer.
It came from the most important person in my sexuality journey: myself. And I said to the person reflected in the mirror, “It’s okay, Ish. You can like who you like.”
That's all for now my loves! Thank you for reading and supporting me 💜🏳️🌈
I know it's a bit late after Pride month ended in June but everyday is a day for the queer folks, am I right? Please let me know your thoughts on the comment section and I'll respond to each everyone! You may use it as a safe space to share your "coming out story" - whatever that may mean.
Always remember, you can turn your wounds into a healing purpose. Stay kind to others and your mind 🤗
Waaah, belated Happy Pride, Ish! Ako naman, there were a lot of instances that I came out to my mom. High school, college... Adulthood. Really went through a lot of hoops. Grabe yung rollercoaster ride, haha. It affected our relationship and it was sad because she's my only parent. Luckily, things change and we're at a much better place now. ✨
BELATED HAPPY PRIDE!! I can imagine all the difficult convos you had with her, but I'm happy to know it's better now 😊 I hope luck is on my side too and my parents can accept me for who I am 🤗
Best of luck, Ish! Times are changing and I'm hoping for the best! I'm always around if you'll need extra support 🤗
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Nalito Ako ish, are you a lesbian or your friend is?
I'm boyish during highschool days and I've been through to a thing like liking a girl? but I never entertained it and just allow it pass through. There are time in our life na parang we can't understand ourself, we can't understand our feeling but what I always tell to myself is - Don't do what is best, but do what is right. Some best things is sometimes not right.
Hi ate jen, I don't have a label po sa aking sexuality, might be bi or anything. Hahaha. Pero yung friend ko po lesbian.
Ah okay now I understand! Sabi nila iba daw talaga mag care and maglove mga lesbian. Might be you like how she cares for you and Sabi mo nga Isa sya sa matatakbuhan mo. You can still be friends with her but just put some limitations.
I don't want to hijack your post, but this really resonates with me. I could have my own blog about this, but I'm not that brave yet.
I don't have a coming out story because I didn't come out to my parents yet and I don't have plans of coming out. If for some reason they will be able to read this comment, well, this will be my coming out story. One of the reasons I didn't come out is because I felt I'm even being an outcast to the community. Since high school, I really don't belong to a certain group. I felt I was not flamboyant or soft enough to be with the gays nor I was not girly enough to be with the girls. God knows how I hate makeup. How much more with the boys. I felt I'm too feminine to be with the alpha males and I find fragile masculinity to be too imposing and toxic. All throughout high school, I felt that I'm in my own league. And it was sad. I felt like no one understood me. That's why I overcompensate in academics. I excelled in math and sciences because I don't know how to dance or sing, unlike my classmates.
It was in college that I felt real friendships. I felt that no matter who I will be and who I will love, my friends will accept me. But because of how taxing chemical engineering was, I didn't get the chance to explore my sexuality. I was also involved with a very conservative Christian denomination that I felt being part of the LGBT community was an abomination. When asked if I was gay or what, I won't answer because I honestly don't know how to answer that question. Even now, I still find it difficult for me to label myself as such. I felt that there was so much in my psyche to be just labeled as part of one group. I tried to label myself, but I felt I always come short of those labels. Again, I'm in my own league. But I'm not sad anymore. I learned to embrace my inability to put labels on myself.
To those who might question why I'm like this, believe me when I say I tried to act "normal". I tried to conform. I tried to squeeze myself into a box just to belong. I just couldn't. In a world where being "normal" is lauded and celebrated, why would I choose to be different? Why would I make myself miserable? Why would I choose to be discriminated against and treated as another-class citizen?
OMG! I feel like this is trauma dumping. Anyway, Happy Pride! Let the struggle continue until the world will accept us as we are. SOGIESC should be passed now for starters.