Oh man, I ain't half been a daddy's girl.
Guilty of walking straight in the back door where his study was and if he wasn't there, it was always 'hi-mum-where's-dad?'. And if I rang, I wouldn't even have to ask - Mum would just say 'hang on I'll get your father'. How she never took it personally I do not know. It wasn't that I didn't adore Mum, it's just Dad was the guy who took me surfing, showed me how to take photos, shared music with me, and so on. If you've read any of my posts you'll know I hero worshipped my beautiful old man.
But the last few days of hell after we buried him, well.
The depression, irritation and damn heart pain - jeeeeeeezzzzzzzzus - what a doozy. It has absolutely paralysed me. I have a whole toolbox of resources, believe you me - look to nature, meditate, yoga, walk, hang in the garden, breath, breath, breath - but nothing was cutting through. The advice from well meaning friends was that it would pass, give it time, be kind to myself and so on - and it was all I could do from say in a really passive aggressive way 'I know!'. Which I do. I am not keeping it in - I mean, with my emotional self, I just can't - it bubbles over like billy-o.
Yesterday I was desperate. The ocean, the ocean, the ocean. It's 14 degrees celsius and cold at the moment but I pulled on a wetty and immersed myself in the womb of mother freaking life. Salty tears and salty water kiss each other like old friends. But still. That's a lot of tears. Forget climate change and rising sea levels - a girl with her grief threatens to flood the world.
Whilst it eased a little, in the end, I ran to Mum. I really, really didn't want to bother her. I didn't want her to worry for me. She's in her own flipped universe without the love of her life in it. She's been cleaning like mad. Washing and folding his tshirts and packing up his medicines. Dusting the higher shelves. Sorting out the freezer. If there's any woman who uses tidying to help grief, it's my mother.
Me and Mum, circa 1980's. Dad's flannel shirt, our dog Judy, and my BMX.
When she asked how I was, I just could not keep it together. 'Fuuccck Mum! How did you cope when your Dad died?'. Of course it was a little different - he had dementia, and my relationship with both my own father and my emotional heart is a little different.
'Brandy in tea?' she said. We both laughed. Last time Mum offered me that I was just about to get on a flight to Europe with my four year old, some twenty odd years ago. 'With lemon, for health reasons?' she joked. My family are good at joking in the face of tragedy.
We sat and cried and talked and felt sorry for ourselves and laughed and let it all go for an hour or two. Whether it was the brandy or our conversation, who knows.
There's no medicine like your mother.
When I left I hugged her and she said 'you're stronger than you think, you know'. Then she laughed and acknowledged she was giving herself advice as much as anything.
I knew all along my Mum was a legend, truth be told. But it's moments like this that make me realise just how much of a legend she is.
Go hug ya mama. If she's anything like mine, she bloody well deserves it.
With Love,
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family remembrances
You are lucky to have her and Jamie. Those first weeks, I was dehydrated from crying, it a real thing... I don't know what I would have done without Tom and family. As everyone says, it will get better, but it took a bloody long time... In the meantime, just share and continue to tell stories about him. I found that was the best thing, telling stories, hearing stories. I still do it to this day...
Stories help a lot. We are even repeating the same ones lol. It's like they help keep them alive. Dehydrated from crying? Oh darling. Xxx It's insane isn't it - you can't even TRY to stop.
Mostly I used the stories because people tend to not talk about ones who are gone. Like they didn't exist. It's a thing, apparently. So I constantly refer to him or tell stories.
Thank you for the reminder!!!
As I got older, I became aware of how much sacrifice my mom made for me and my sister... When we were younger, we took it for granted... As my mom is far away, I will send you a virtual hug! ❤️
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Definitely call or message her and tell her you love her. Shell appreciate it.
HOly shit! You two have the exact same smile!
Mom's are built different I'm sure. Mine is never tired, though I can see that she is deep down tired sometimes but won't let that show up.
I know right, we noticed that yesterday! Tell your Mum you appreciate her. Do something to make her feel loved. I think sometimes they soldier on and we take them for granted.
We are fortunate to live together and we get along quite well. It only gets crazy whenever I go away or mention renting my own place (that will happen eventually). Curious to see when I find a wife though hahaha
Haha well you better put yourself out there!
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This is so true. Mothers are so often the glue the holds families together and often do it quietly, without expectation of praise. Your friends are right, time heals (it is really the only thing that can). My Dad passed in 2020 and I've grown accustomed to him not being here over the past four years -- I laugh, experience joy, remember the good times we had together, but life isn't quiet the same without him. I think you learn to continue the relationship you once shared with them that way, through the memories. I carry his driver's license in my wallet so a little piece of him is with me always. Try to hang in there and keep doing all the things that help you heal. I keep closer tabs on my Mom now, talk with her twice a day and make sure she has the things she needs. She often struggled quietly those first few years and it took a lot of prodding to get her to tell me the truth about what she was going through and what she needed. Helping to take care of her has helped me with my own grief too, I think. Hugs to you.
I can't fathom it. Whenever something really cool happens I tell Dad. Where does that energy go?
That's lovely. I guess we are blessed we had good relationships with our fathers. Your Mum must sure appreciate you. I feel the same - going to Mums to share the pain and memories helps a lot. And the house still feels as if he is in it and has just gone surfing or something.
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I get t see my mum in 9 days. I haven't seen her in over a year. I'm looking forward to giving her a hug.
I'm sending you a huge hug xxxxx
Oh wow that's awesome. I think as parents ourselves we don't take them for granted. But I can't bear the thought of mum being sad and alone. Breaks my heart.
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Losing someone you love sucks ass and there's really no other way to get through it than to get through it. I'm glad you have an ocean and a mama to hug you.
You have a strong mother
Yes I do. I feel so weak in comparison!
aw, go hug ya mama, indeed 💗 I miss my mom. I wish I could give her another hug. I still remember the last hug we ever shared. I somehow knew at the time that there wouldn't be another one and it damn near broke me saying goodbye to her after a short break in South Africa, getting on a plane in Durban to come back to the UK. Treasure your mama. She is gold xx