This was a great, thought provoking read (and timely for me, as I'll explain.)
It is a paradoxical conundrum isn't it? I've always heard that we should surround ourselves with people that we'd like to become more like but since we're always evolving (if we're lucky) we'd always be changing friends.
I view groups of friends almost like "pods", if that makes sense. I have a "old friend pod" that I'm really close with but then, there are the more shallow groups of friends, a "mentorship pod", an "investment advice pod", etc. Sometimes members of the shallow groups make it into the deeper one, but not after some time. It really hurts when you have to cut someone loose from the "old friend pod". I'm in that predicament now. This person just keeps making the same mistakes, time and time again and it feels like we've grown in two completely different directions. This is a 20+ year old friendship but it feels like it's ending.
We all go through rough patches with friends but what is the telltale sign for me that I should be friends with someone or not is how free-flowing and "easy" the friendship seems as a whole. If it feels like work more often than not, unbalanced (like one person is giving more or trying harder consistently), or if you just feel shitty after spending time with them then, for me, that's a sign I pay attention to.
I've heard the same ~ but what do you do with the friends who won't evolve in the same direction/will evolve at a different rate?
I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in with your friend. Whichever decision you end up making, I'm sure it's not easy. It's very sad when someone refuses to grow. Funnily enough, after writing this, I came across a post on social media with the quote "Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction". I couldn't agree more. In some cases, I think it suffices to distance yourself for a while, without breaking the bond entirely. But that's not always possible, sadly. So I'm wishing you healthy boundaries and a good resolution (for the long-term at least). :)
I'm with you on the pods. It seems that can take a load off your existing friendships, since otherwise, you may end up resenting your existing friends, or your old friends, for not satisfying what you need. For me, rn, it looks like finding new people to connect with who share the spiritual journey I'm on, rather than blaming/expecting my existing friends to automatically turn themselves into those people, if it makes sense :)
This is why I like the "pod" approach to friends, it allows for a better balance.
Thank you! This one is really tough, someone I consider one of my very best friends. He's newly divorced and in a brand new relationship. From the outside looking in, this new partner seems to be urging him to distance himself from everyone he associated with prior to meeting her, even his own mother. A classic narcissist move. I was waiting to talk to him about it until I could see if it was just that intense "honeymoon phase" of the relationship but enough time has elapsed that it feels like something different.
I'm finding that making new friends gets more difficult the older I get, mainly because at a certain point you're done with formal class settings and situations where you spend lots of time with strangers. A book club, an Airbnb experience (meditation/yoga), or discussion group might be a good place to find someone with similar spiritual aspirations. The Airbnb experiences, in particular, I've been on have been extremely enriching experiences where you forge real connections, especially ones in foreign cities.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear he's going through that. I really hope he manages to see reason in the end. It's scary how someone else can make you lose your (otherwise reasonable) mind, isn't it? Particularly presuming that a recent divorce leaves one quite fragile. So I really hope it works out. Though having heard that, maybe cutting him loose isn't the best choice? I just figure, when he looks around and finds all his friends have left, he may see sense, but he may also end up feeling alone and isolated and retreat more in this relationship (?).
Damn, being a good friend is hard :/
That's true. I found the same, leaving the school system a lot earlier than my peers. Then again, I realize a lot of these relationships are built more around common denominators (like we hate so-and-so teacher/boss/assignment/client, you know? Or having someone to go out for a smoke with and what not) and once the official environment dissipates, so does the relationship...
Airbnb is a cool way of meeting people, I agree. Didn't use to trust it before, but now, I'll choose it over hotels if at all possible.
Hope you're having a good one :)