A recent conversation here on the blockchain put me in mind of friend circles, and how the people around us shape who we turn out to be. It's a paradoxical subject for me.
On the one hand, I strongly believe who we surround ourselves with determines who we are. It's something that's particularly evident in new relationships. When you enter a new relationship with someone, you'll look at their friends quite carefully, because that tells you a lot about who this person is, what their values are, how they choose to spend their time, what leisure looks like, what stimulates them intellectually. It's probably sound practice to try and associate with people who have the potential of helping you grow, and growing with you, and one of the earliest ways to tell that, when meeting someone new, is seeing who they hang out with.
Eventually, you gotta realize it might not just be their friends who are trite, gossipy, stupid, mean-spirited, fickle, etc. And you gotta ask yourself why you care.
Because who they hang out with reflects on them, and who they are reflects on you, as long as they're your friend or partner. And we want people to reflect nicely on us. Obviously.
For me, I have quite a judgmental tendency, but I'm trying to curb it, and one of the things I do, whenever I see myself becoming mean towards someone I know is, rather than lash out at and analyse them (even if only in my head) is turn to myself. Become introspective for a second, and ask
If I feel this person is fickle/stupid/mean/narrow-minded, why do I hang out with them? What does this say about me? And why am I so offended by this behavior?
See, here's the thing. We all have these ideas of self, and depending on our level of self-awareness, they may be more or less distorted. Obviously, I think I'm smart, funny, enlightened, compassionate, leading a healthy lifestyle and so on and so forth.
That doesn't need to stay theory.
I can easily test if that's true by examining who I have around myself. And if the people around me aren't all that, then maybe I'm not either. It's important to stay self-aware, because when we become overly-judgmental of others around us, it's usually a good way to pass on the blame. Rather than examine the deeply-rooted fear that I may be stupid/mean/whatever, it's much easier to examine why someone in my circle is that. But that's just projection.
So yeah, staying mindful, and making sure your circle reflects your values is important. I think it's crucial to cut away relationships that keep you stuck in place, and no longer invite you to grow. Relationships that have maybe, in time, turned toxic, and you're having a hard time detoxifying. That's allowed.
That being said...
It's something I can never bring myself to say. How did you have patience with me? Why did you stick by me? and what could you be seeing in someone bent on self-destruction? Recently, I was out with a friend, and passed by a place I don't go often. It reminded me of that turbulent period in my life, of being so unaware, so irresponsible, of acting in and from a place of deep hurt.
It told me I am no longer that. It served as a memento of how far I've come. And yet, being with that friend there, I couldn't help but wonder ~ why did you stay my friend when I was like that? It was a new friendship at the time. There was no long-standing involvement. In older friendships, you kinda feel bound to stick it out. In newer ones, you have the freedom to just distance yourself. This person didn't, and didn't call me out on it, didn't make me feel like an asshole. This person was, instead, quietly observant. Probably noticed I was going through a bad time, and extended compassion and patience towards me.
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In time, and in the quiet, understated light of that patience and compassion, I overcame the moment. Learned and grew. But maybe I couldn't have, if there hadn't been people like that around me.
You see now why I say it's a paradox? On the one hand, your circle reflects your psyche, and your own journey. On the other, we all need a little compassion sometimes. So when I find myself judging, I'm reminded of that compassion. I tell myself this person is struggling in their journey. And maybe they didn't give up on me when I was struggling in mine, or maybe someone else filled that role. Nevertheless, I was showed kindness, so the least I can do is pass it on back into the world.
My question, for whoever read through this is, well, thoughts? Assuming you are someone oriented towards growth and healing, how do you balance negative/difficult people in your life? How do you walk between showing compassion, and eliminating what no longer serves?
Picture source: "The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse" by Charles Mackesy
This was a great, thought provoking read (and timely for me, as I'll explain.)
It is a paradoxical conundrum isn't it? I've always heard that we should surround ourselves with people that we'd like to become more like but since we're always evolving (if we're lucky) we'd always be changing friends.
I view groups of friends almost like "pods", if that makes sense. I have a "old friend pod" that I'm really close with but then, there are the more shallow groups of friends, a "mentorship pod", an "investment advice pod", etc. Sometimes members of the shallow groups make it into the deeper one, but not after some time. It really hurts when you have to cut someone loose from the "old friend pod". I'm in that predicament now. This person just keeps making the same mistakes, time and time again and it feels like we've grown in two completely different directions. This is a 20+ year old friendship but it feels like it's ending.
We all go through rough patches with friends but what is the telltale sign for me that I should be friends with someone or not is how free-flowing and "easy" the friendship seems as a whole. If it feels like work more often than not, unbalanced (like one person is giving more or trying harder consistently), or if you just feel shitty after spending time with them then, for me, that's a sign I pay attention to.
I've heard the same ~ but what do you do with the friends who won't evolve in the same direction/will evolve at a different rate?
I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in with your friend. Whichever decision you end up making, I'm sure it's not easy. It's very sad when someone refuses to grow. Funnily enough, after writing this, I came across a post on social media with the quote "Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction". I couldn't agree more. In some cases, I think it suffices to distance yourself for a while, without breaking the bond entirely. But that's not always possible, sadly. So I'm wishing you healthy boundaries and a good resolution (for the long-term at least). :)
I'm with you on the pods. It seems that can take a load off your existing friendships, since otherwise, you may end up resenting your existing friends, or your old friends, for not satisfying what you need. For me, rn, it looks like finding new people to connect with who share the spiritual journey I'm on, rather than blaming/expecting my existing friends to automatically turn themselves into those people, if it makes sense :)
This is why I like the "pod" approach to friends, it allows for a better balance.
Thank you! This one is really tough, someone I consider one of my very best friends. He's newly divorced and in a brand new relationship. From the outside looking in, this new partner seems to be urging him to distance himself from everyone he associated with prior to meeting her, even his own mother. A classic narcissist move. I was waiting to talk to him about it until I could see if it was just that intense "honeymoon phase" of the relationship but enough time has elapsed that it feels like something different.
I'm finding that making new friends gets more difficult the older I get, mainly because at a certain point you're done with formal class settings and situations where you spend lots of time with strangers. A book club, an Airbnb experience (meditation/yoga), or discussion group might be a good place to find someone with similar spiritual aspirations. The Airbnb experiences, in particular, I've been on have been extremely enriching experiences where you forge real connections, especially ones in foreign cities.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear he's going through that. I really hope he manages to see reason in the end. It's scary how someone else can make you lose your (otherwise reasonable) mind, isn't it? Particularly presuming that a recent divorce leaves one quite fragile. So I really hope it works out. Though having heard that, maybe cutting him loose isn't the best choice? I just figure, when he looks around and finds all his friends have left, he may see sense, but he may also end up feeling alone and isolated and retreat more in this relationship (?).
Damn, being a good friend is hard :/
That's true. I found the same, leaving the school system a lot earlier than my peers. Then again, I realize a lot of these relationships are built more around common denominators (like we hate so-and-so teacher/boss/assignment/client, you know? Or having someone to go out for a smoke with and what not) and once the official environment dissipates, so does the relationship...
Airbnb is a cool way of meeting people, I agree. Didn't use to trust it before, but now, I'll choose it over hotels if at all possible.
Hope you're having a good one :)
This is a question I ask myself almost everytime because I'd love to get counsel from this kind of person on how to deal/cope with humans of this nature.
In my circle of friends, (we were three and really close) in the real world there's this one girl who is very negative and feels she should be the only one in the spotlight. Most times you relate your feelings to her, instead of her thinking of possible solutions or saying something like "you'll be fine", she'll turn around and tell you about her own feelings. She'll take up the conversation and make it about herself and if at all at some point she mistakenly says "it'll be fine" just know that the next day when it's all over, she'll make fun of everything.
We noticed this attitude of hers and right now, she's really no longer in the circle, it's been years of knowing her and sticking around thinking one day she'd learn from us but she only grew worse. The relationship with her atp is very distant, I wouldn't say it's non existent because we practically see ourselves in school everyday. Atp she's feeling bad we're distancing from her but she has refused to examine herself or ask real question that could bring her back to the circle.
I'm already a sad person and need positivity around me by all cost so I don't lose my mind. It can only get worse having someone who's always negative and mocking around. Even in my sadness, I don't take people's feelings for granted, I buckle up my own feeling when someone is trying to confide in me and make sure I try to find solution.
In essence, I don't think I would stick around with an overly judgemental, always mocking, self centered human all in the name of friendship. I love peace of mind and when I find a little of it, I hold on like never before. I've grown distant from lots of people but that doesn't mean I keep a long face each time I see them, we greet and move on.
A constantly negative person who isn't remorseful of whatever action he or she put up to hurt another doesn't deserve a place in anyone's heart.
I feel you. Sadly, I'm not sure how much it's possible for such people to learn from others as you say (though I too have had that hope for some people I know). I think a lot of this negativity stems from insecurity and self-doubt, which in turn lead us back further into trauma. In other words, it's very hard for these people to rewire their brains because for many, negativity acts as a coping mechanism.
That being said, I don't think it's anyone else's duty to stick by them and tolerate this sort of toxic behavior just so that they don't "seem mean". I think it's paramount to cut out people who are more harmful than good, because you need to take care of yourself and your energy before you can help others.
I see myself in this answer a lot, though I would add that, of the little I know of you, you don't seem like such a sad person :) Just someone with ups and downs, like all of us. Wishing you a blessed day, my friend :)
I think so too but why should anyone be insecure around someone who just wants them in their live?
Fact!
When the ups and downs are too much to handle what crawls in other than sadness and depression? I try my best to make sure I get to smile daily and I bottle up feelings a lot. Sometimes when it seems like I'm going crazy I come on here to read posts at least that'll keep me away from my troubled mind for a while or I just step out into fresh air.
Good question. They don't feel worthy of love? Like they're not someone you should want in your life? That's what I'd guess.
Let that shit out, my friend. Don't bottle it up. You'll be lighter, and just feel better when you stop hiding your truth. If there's pain, why not try and let yourself feel it? Or rage, or anger, or frustration. Those are normal emotions, too, and the sooner you embrace them, the sooner you let that stuff wash away. <3
Seconded!
I'm trying my best dear. Slowly I'm letting them out and I really hope to feel lighter soon.
Your words are always calming. I'm glad I met you Honey 💜💜💜.
It’s really hard for me to stay when I am hurt by someone or I notice a character I don’t like. I just grow distant and eventually the relationship becomes nonexistent. I wish I could forgive more and accommodate people’s differences. It’s something I’m really hoping I can do. I don’t have the energy for drama and trauma from people, so if you’re coming with trouble, I just get distant.
I hear you, I am very much like this, as well. And I don't think one should feel guilty for moving away from people who are hurtful. As you said, it's a struggle to be accommodating and compassionate, particularly when our own wellbeing is at stake.
Thank you for your input! :)
Great question. My wife and I have had to grapple with this even up to our immediate families. Our opinions differ. Me personally, I just stop going around people who act like shitheads. I don’t feel the need to reach out and let them know that I won’t be coming around, nor to tell them why. Chances are, they probably should already know and have passed on several opportunities to grow and do/be better, so I’m not too into wasting time trying to spoon feed people the life lessons they’re choosing not to imbibe…better just to focus on the people who live well and make the world a better place by doing so. Honestly, the response to this question, if I were to answer it to my full satisfaction…it would probably be a 70 something page book :)
This resonates with me a lot, although I always end up feeling guilty for not reaching out, not explaining myself or why I left. I know I shouldn't, but there you have it.
100%. Beginning to come to terms with that. People can only learn things in their own time, and when they wanna learn them. It's not anyone else's job to do the work for them (not that that's possible anyway).
That'd be a fun read :D I know what you mean, everything pertaining to how we interact with one another is open to so much nuance, and interpretation. Thank you for stopping by! :)
I agree, I’ve had the same struggle you mention (phone won’t let me copy text from comment to quote), which kind of makes me think, perhaps that’s one of the lessons we are here to learn.
Love your writing. I struggle with this dilemma too. Not enough time to elaborate now though
Glad to hear that :) The resonating, not the short time :D Appreciate the compliment.
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! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoHmm very good questions. I suppose it depends on the circumstances, and the depth of the friendships, and whether this has been an ongoing/worsening divide. We all grow and change throughout our lives... sometimes that means that we grow in different directions, and sort of grow apart. Sometimes that means we grow in different directions but we still support one another on our journeys. If, however, you find yourself in a situation of a friend who is constantly negative, belittling, or bringing you down, rather than coming from a place of love and support, it is definitely important to speak up for yourself. It's also important, I think, to let people know when they're behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you... people are not mind readers, and sometimes are so stuck in their own ego that they have no idea how they're coming across to others. A little dose of reality can go a long way. Or they can choose to take it as a personal attack and decide that you're "just being mean." But in that case you're no further behind, because you are at least trying to help them to grow, and maybe salvage that relationship. If they are unwilling to accept that they may need to change their approach or grow as a person, then that relationship is no longer serving you, and you don't need to feel beholding to them when you've done what you can. We cannot force people to change, it must be a choice we make for ourselves.
At the same time, if this is a relationship we've had for years and years, and suddenly this person is going through a hard time in life, we can choose to be there for them, to accept that what they're doing is not aimed at us personally, but is part of an internal battle. We can do our best to support them, even from afar. To say "I see you. I know you're going through a hard time, and I want to be here for you. But I can't be around you when x,y,z. I will be here, if/when you need me. And then you leave the ball in their court, that these behaviours are a deal-breaker/you need to distance yourself from them, but you still care for them and want to help them through.
In any case, I think it's a matter of having clear boundaries for yourself, and being able to clearly communicate those to the people in your life. I spent many years as a people-pleaser, a peace-keeper (in family dynamics) and am just now putting my foot down and letting people know where I stand. It's going to be a big adjustment for everyone, since this is new, but I've reached a point in life where I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my own mental wellbeing for others.
Life is just way too short for that shit. ❤️
I think "I see you" is one of the best things you can say to somebody. Even better if you actually do take the effort to see them.
I agree with everything you said here. It really does depend on the circumstance, and as you said, you gotta know when to put your foot down, and stand up for what you need, and what's healthy for you. I'm glad you're doing that. The only way to create a peaceful environment and help others is by looking after your own mental health first.
100%.
Thanks for stopping by.
PS: I love your handle. It's so kickass.
So so true. I keep seeing people using the cup analogy - you cannot fill another person's cup if your own cup is empty. Your cup must be full, even overflowing, to be able to reasonably fill another's.
PS. Thanks!