It seems to me that the rise of social media psychology, and all these gurus and experts on anything and everything relating to how you should live, is creating a depressing drought in actual living.
I think a lot of people, particularly young people (but not only limited to them, of course) get caught up in ticking all the boxes, in trying to follow this textbook for life that (they think) guarantees them a pain-free, guilt-free, ideal existence, that they forget to actually live.
Or become too scared to.
While I think it's healthy for us to develop a better understanding of who we are, what matters, what boundaries we want to set etc., I think it's also important to remember that life doesn't actually have a textbook. That it's messy and complicated and people-led, not expert-led.
I see this in myself and others around me. There's something very fetching, almost romantic about the textbook version of life. There's this idea that you can, if you work on yourself enough, bag the perfect relationship with everyone - your mate, your friends, your family, even your boss. And it's accompanied by this idea that if they don't fit your imagined textbook to a T, then it's okay to chuck 'em.
But is it?
I'm worried that in a world where there's an expert for everything (from how you should be a good partner to how you should brush your teeth), we're trying too much to eliminate the human component of it. We seem desperate to streamline everything in our lives hoping that it will keep us from getting into scrapes, guarantee a long, healthy life, etc.
Except there are no guarantees. And a streamlined, pain-free, guilt-free life doesn't really exit. And if it does, it's sterile, scrubbed of all things interesting. It seems almost offensive, from an artist's perspective.
I mean, if all the artists we love had stopped in the past to consider not their feelings, not their experiences, not their actual life, but what some Internet authority on the subject of life, love and everything in-between had to say about it, there'd no art around.
I went to the Salvador Dali Museum in Figueres yesterday. I'm deeply fascinated by his relationship with his wife Gala who was quite a bit older than Salvador and married at the time they met. Truth, the further you delve into their love story, the more fucked-up and weird it seems. But there's no doubt he was greatly compelled by her, that she influenced him significantly.
You think if any of these modern experts had got their hooks into Dali they would've still had a shot? For one thing, she was married. For another, she needed time to process even after a divorce. Third, fourth, fifth.... there'd be no Dali portraits of Gala, and without her influence, how much Dali would really be left?
Just a thought.
And it's not just a question for the artists. Life is its own art and in an attempt to sterilize it, you're keeping yourself from living it.
Maybe someone doesn't fit your expert-led idea of the perfect person (the perfect partner, parent, uncle, friend, etc.). That doesn't mean you get to say nope and abolish them from your life. It shouldn't, though that seems to be a valid option that a lot of people are leaning towards.
I was reading this New Yorker article about a rising trend to cut off one's family after you label them as "toxic". Problem being, in our modern day and age, everyone seems to qualify for toxic. The bar just seems to be incredibly low for that one.
Basically, as long as they don't tick every checkbox that the social media chorus of experts sets for them, poof, they're toxic. Go cut them out of your life. But what does that leave you with? Isolation?
On the surface, these sorts of movements (and there are a lot seeking to isolate you from your origin family, weird coincidence there) seem to encourage this "find your tribe", "find your chosen family" bullshit.
I don't mean it's BS generally, I believe in that shit, too. I'm searching for mine, though I have significant doubt they'll be perfect as I imagine them. I don't think they'll be like in the movies. I don't think, in searching for your "tribe", media like Friends is a good point to orient yourself by. Though I think a lot of us do.
I think your tribe will get on your nerves. I think they'll tell shitty jokes sometimes, or do some things you don't agree with. I think they'll sometimes be selfish. They're people, not checkboxes. As for the self-appointed authorities dictating those checkboxes, how far do you reckon your trust in them goes?
I often catch myself in matters of love, of setting correct personal boundaries thinking "oh yeah but so-and-so expert I follow online would say that's bad". Until I remind myself that's a public image. For all I know, that person can be nothing like that in their personal life. It may be hard to remember at times, but these gurus and self-help "leaders" are above selling an image. A brand. And as long as there's things to sell, that means they have reason to lie and deceive you. Which should make you take everything they say with more than a grain of salt.
I think a big mistake in this cutting off family business is that we then say "oh, I'll find a new family for myself in the form of a social circle", and maybe you do find friends and they don't hurt you like your mum and dad did, and you say see, there they were. Except of course they don't hurt you like your parents did. That only proves they're not your mum and dad. Not that they're your "ideal family".
It's like saying I think my neighbor's a better partner than my partner because my neighbor never cheated on me with other neighbors. The expectations in those relationships are wildly different. You yourself are different. So it's silly to compare them.
And like it or not, perfect or not, you need your family. The "of origin" one, as we say. You need them because they grew up with you, or raised you, and love you in their way even when you're not fucking lovable. That's very rare currency in this life. That doesn't mean you need to be close to them. Doesn't mean you can't find a "chosen family" that perhaps gets you in better ways. Just remember that someone not ticking all the boxes didn't use to be grounds for immediate dismissal. We used to stick with our people, and I don't think this cutting people off completely culture is doing us any favors. Frankly, I think it's making us sick.
I know, I've said in the past how I've done that in my own life. In some cases yes, when the relationship is dead, then cutting someone off is the only option and it's okay. I think you know when it's okay because it feels right. But it's not a cure-all to be dispensed at will, at the slightest sign of trouble. Poof. So-and-so on the Internet says you're toxic, bye.
How many lives can you disappear yourself from before you yourself disappear?
Wes...
!LADY
This is so relatable, Wes. We've got this idea that we should have eradicated all of these issues. Except you can't. To quote Alanis Morisette, "What it all boils down to is that no one's got it figured out just yet".
I love this. It resonates with a question that's been bugging me a lot lately. You can alienate everyone thinking they're not good enough, but that just leaves you as an alien. Embracing difference (of soul and opinion) might just be the real key to happiness here.
Thank you, Wes. It's always lovely to see you! :)
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Ain't that the truth. I think we tend to simplify things - people - into very distinct categories. They're narcissist, they're kind, they're selfush, they're toxic - single stories that fail to take into account the wider context of a life.
I find it amazing - and I've seen this more than once - when people cut off their parents and no one really understands why. The other siblings/s don't have a problem, there's no real history of trauma or abuse, but boom! - they're gone. It happened with my exes brother, for one. She grieved him for years. We suspect it was his partner/guru (same person) that encouraged him to cut ties.
It's very cult-ish - just like the internet. We are believing self styled personalities without questioning their authority or expertise. Perhaps it is better to work it out for ourselves, however messy that gets. Because, human relationships, no?
I take solace in the fact there are plenty of people getting their toes in the mess pool and figuring it out. There's plenty of young people who are too busy listening to life instead of socials.
The kids are alright.
They just need to switch off the internet and switch on themselves.
I was listening to a funny convo today via an older colleague. He's a very intelligent physics teacher. His 22 year old daughter rang with her dramas yesterday. You know, the he said, she said dramas. She had been getting way too embroiled in it, getting contradictory advice of her other 22 year old friends.
My colleague cut it short. He suggested, in no uncertain terms, to stop listening to other 22 year olds who had no life experience either.
'Its very simple' he said. 'He apologized, you accept it, and move on. Or you don't, and that's it. End of. Stop making your life complicated.'
Perhaps we should take more relationship advice from physicists.
That's awful, the poor family. It really is a grief and I think it's impossible to understand, as a child cutting off their parents (unless you are a parent yourself).
"real history of trauma or abuse" - exactly. Much as everyone needs to process their own story and have it heard, I still think we need to retain such distinctions between really fucked up, abusive, maniacal parents and parents who were just okay. Who tried but maybe could've done better.
Thank your physicist friend for me. :D
You know, my husband is also a physicist (he teaches it, and maths, but at his heart he is quantum physics and definitely made entirely of atoms) and his relationships are also simple.
He's incredibly tolerant and doesn't get caught up in grudges or retributions. Sure, some people are beneath him and he finds them intolerable, but drama, no. He doesn't get into a tizz over things.
Me and my Cancer moon and Libran sense of justice though - oof.
Starting to think hard science in the ticket. Who woulda thought...
Love the pictures....
A museum?
What you say about young folks is right...
We seem to have this kind of ideal of what must be done to make life more fulfilling...
It's quite tiring...
Isn't it? Tiring, I mean.
Yeah, the photos are all from the Dali Museum-Theater in Figueres, Spain, which he designed and planned meticulously specifically for that purpose. He was very grandiose, but I gotta admit it was pretty impressive.