As I held the Tibetan singing bowl last night before sleeping, the vibration silenced the gnawing question that had been haunting me daily since last year.
What would you like to be when you grow up?
The thing is, I'm already a grown-up and am on the mid-life train as well.
It was so much easier to answer that question as a child. Possibilities were endless. The voice of my 5yo cousin then echoed, "I want to be a cook!" Another friend chimed in, " I want to be an ironing lady." It didn't matter what it was but the answers came out nonetheless.
I discovered an enthusiasm and excited curiosity the first time I saw a blueprint when I was 5. I pulled out a chair, tiptoed, and grabbed the rolls of ammonia-smelling paper from the top cabinet shelf. I started learning how to decipher the symbols, how spaces worked together, and learned how to read plans on my own.
I loved learning anything related to making things beautiful so when I was thirteen, my Mom enrolled me in a fashion design course every summer since I had been doing the fashion sketches for her in her side hustle. Her motive was to nudge me towards that direction, setting me up to work with her in the future.
I was the youngest in this vocational class. My classmates were all older in their early 20s and above and I enjoyed every minute with them. We spent late afternoons at the business district after classes, checking out boutiques while hunting for fabric samples together.
The pinnacle moments in these four-year summer classes were;
- When my fashion design teacher read my mind and generously spilled the truth, "You, my dear, have no business in fashion."
- Another was when a watercolor perspective drawing hanging on the walls stopped me in my tracks. I peeked inside the room of interior design students with my half-eaten sandwich, with this intense desire of joining them.
- When my fine-art class teacher privately talked to me one day saying, "You seem to have an eye for balance and perspective, have you given architecture a thought?"
And so I did. I pursued two majors in two different universities within five years. I took architecture from June to March in a bigger university and Interior Design in another school from March to June. There were weeks when classes overlapped. It was tricky yet exciting juggling both.
My early 20s were spent hustling. Every time I applied for a designer desk job, I was told, I didn't look the part. I was always thrown into sales or something related to business.
Rejections after rejections, I found my way in, closest to a design job even with a meager salary. To make ends meet, I accepted side hustles from rich students by doing their school projects and thesis.
Life offered more sales and marketing positions, still related to interior design. Instead of sitting in a cubicle in front of a computer which I would have loved more than anything, I was sent out there managing clients selling designs and making sure the project was completed.
My introverted self was drained but what I loved about that role was the fulfillment of seeing the client happy at the end of the day and being at the forefront of witnessing the drawings take shape.
It felt like jumping from one moving platform after another until I found the dream job where I was given not only a chance to present the design myself but that the design was my own.
Then motherhood happened.
At the time, management changes and financial difficulties at a design firm in Dubai prompted me to quit my job and focus on being a mom. After four months at home, I was already itching to get back to work.
While feeding my daughter during an interview, I was hired as a designer in an up-and-coming boutique design studio in Dubai.
Around this time, my husband wanted to move back to the Philippines to pursue his dream which was followed by an inevitable situation that landed us right back home.
Lately, I have been thinking about a random encounter during an errand many years ago.
One morning, I was in front of a Marks and Spencers store in Dubai waiting for the roll-up shutter to open. I had my 4-month-old baby sleeping on my chest in a baby carrier, in the hopes that I can make it in real quick and complete the grocery shopping before she woke up.
An elegant-looking mother stood next to me and took an interest in my sleeping baby. Her eyes lit up as she scrolled through her phone as she proudly showed me pictures of her children and grandchildren.
There was something that she said to me however that I'd never forget, Her tone changed, and said, "Whatever you do, don't be a stay-at-home Mom like me. I am proud of my kids and love them very much but please don't stop working."
That memory stayed with me. Despite her words of wisdom, I decided to take a step back to focus on my daughter and supported my husband in his plans.
What if I had listened to her advice, stayed back in Dubai, and pursued the job offer. Would I be happier? Will that stop me from feeling this hopelessness and pressure that time is running out?
Ignoring that advice, I set aside my professional life to focus on being a homemaker in the Philippines for the last seven years. I did projects on the side which gave me joy up until last year when I worked online with an international design firm as a freelancer.
I didn't realize that being so far away for 7 years was a major setback. That being so isolated working online is a different ball game. I completely forgot about the corporate politics, the stress of micromanagement and the white lies made to protect one's position and appear in control of everything.
The design trends and the way everyone worked had also changed. It was a humbling experience and being demotivated by it all was an understatement.
It was an ice-cold-water-thrown-in-your-face kind of situation. I hated myself for being so naive and idealistic and after many years of living peacefully, I failed at keeping appearances and sucked at the corporate game.
As much as I am grateful for that opportunity, it led to complete burnout. It doused the passion I had for the design craft. I abandoned anything to do with the field. I unsubscribed to anything that was related to it. It made me question my forty years of existence.
Was the first moment I tiptoed to grab the rolled-up plans unreal?
Was the thirty-plus years of chasing the carrot a wasted time?
Why did I have to go through all of that only to find where I am now?
What was the point of it all?
There was a rough idea before at least, a road map of where I was headed.
Nowadays, I have none. Am I on the wrong path? If yes, then what?
I suppose this is what existential crisis is about?
I asked for a sign and not long after came numerous possibilities. A condo unit project knocked on my door, a colleague based in Switzerland offered to provide more work, a former colleague now based in Bangladesh asked me to help her with a design concept and two other design opportunities sprung up.
The problem was, I was so burned out, I was left staring at the screen unable to design. The self-confidence in my own capacity whatever was left of it disappeared. There were days I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and disappear.
The whole experience revealed that I had a lot to work out within. I spent the entirety of last year doing inner work and clearing all of the baggage.
I had been stripped raw. I feel like an old compass that keeps turning around that had lost its bearings.
There was this song by Ahi called Until You that struck me which I wanted to share with you here.
"Everything I've lost is all I've got. There ain't much I can give but I'll give you everything. Anything you had, you gave me half. When I was living with nothing, you helped me believe in something."
It is a beautiful song and the words felt like a perfectly articulated conversation with the self that I needed to hear.
Lost, I continued writing this post with no agenda but as a desperate attempt to organize my thoughts and put the pieces together.
Just then my 7-year old daughter and her friend stopped me from typing a few moments ago.
She asked me a question that could only be answered by showing them baby photographs and videos of my daughter. A well of memories inside folders I didn't know I had which I thought were gone forever when our hard drive crashed.
For the next 30 minutes, we watched the videos with laughter and listened to stories Anais was happy to tell. It reminded me why I had made that decision seven years ago and her loving smile reassured me I am on the right track.
I recently took on a friend's project to help out re-design his typhoon-damaged house. It took me weeks before I could put something on paper. Drawing it felt like starting to walk again in crutches.
Here I am staring at my husband and daughter watching the heavy rain from the main door while drenched children ran outside playing in the deep puddles.
Slowly, I am re-discovering the little girl who stared at the floor plans. The little kid who stands by what she believes in. For now, I'll follow the breadcrumbs of joy to find my way.
This is my first blog post in the community. What's your story? Have you found yours? What were the turning points and pinnacle moments that guided you? How did you know that you're on the right track?
Thank you for reading.
P.S. The images above were taken during nature hikes with my daughter while we were on a long stay in France before moving to the Philippines.
"I am an old soul who simply loves coffee, who finds joy and beauty in both tangible and the unseen."
Curiosity and imagination lead to unexpected experiences. Interested in Nature, Places, Roads Less Traveled, Minimalism, Authentic Living, Anything French, and International Cuisine. Feel free to follow her, re-blog, and upvote if you enjoy her content.
Thank you for sharing this story @discoveringarni. I sooo can relate.
Believe in yourself and that every moment in your life has/ had a purpose.
Good you took last year as healing… working in yourself.
Take care 🤗
Hi Jackie, hope this week is treating you well. How did you find your niche? Did you always know you'll be an artist? What was it like for you?
Hope your week is going well too 😊Hi @discoveringarni 😊 it is… we are visiting Madrid since last Saturday. Had to collect my new passport. We travel back home in a few hours by High speed train 3 hour journey. Will post this week more about it. Did the first post a few days ago.
No I didn’t know I wanted to be an artist. I was an architect and lived in a man’s world. And was literally lost and not living anymore…
You can read a bit of my story here; This post covers a great bit… who I am today and why.
Even now… I have large breaks in between creating art since 2011, as life happened, big changes and moves even a few country moves came in the way. But I try to start again. But guess what soon we move again.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Omg, I had no idea architecture was a part of your history as well. I totally got you when you mentioned it was a man's world. I was told once when I applied for a huge retail design team that they didn't accept anyone to be too girly looking to be a part of their team and that it was unsafe for them to be at the site unattended daily. That was two decades ago, I hoped that changed now.
You have a beautiful story and your art is amazing! I am glad to learn more about you. Moves are exciting, a new chapter unravels. Have a safe trip home!
It was and still is a man’s world. It hasn’t changed much.You are welcome @discoveringarni, that is why I could relate a bit more…
Happy to share a bit more about me.
Thank you so much 🥰 yes exciting times ahead. New beginnings again.
Take care!
Ah, knowing that it hasn't changed much is heartbreaking. I feel bad for anyone who had to go through that kind of rejection.
Looking forward to hearing more about your new adventures on the other hand 😊
My studies are also about 20 years ago… but I still look into the field as architecture still interests me.
Of course every country will be different, but the overall won’t change much.
Thank you so much 😊 😁
I wish I could write as beautifully as you when I have my existential crises. 😅 Your an inspiration, Arni! What a life you've lived, bravely choosing one road over the other.
Opportunities for further growth can be disguised as challenges to our peace. Just trust yourself and know that ultimately, we can choose what path to take once we examine our options.
P.S. This teared me up a bit. 😢
Oh wow, thank you, it feels great to hear that.😍
That's a comforting reminder that I'd love to keep in mind. We constantly make choices that eventually shape our lives, so may we all discern well. Sometimes standing by our choices can be challenging when confronted with difficulties.
That encounter with her earlier and watching her baby videos again teared me up as well. It was life's way of nudging me, "hey, remember why and what led you up to this?"
Thank you for creating this community.
If you write nice and with feeling or at least the comments 😃
It was nice reading your story.
Life is full of ups and downs and I think it's the nature of our existence to question our choices at times.
But it's never too late to do anything either, or to re-group and re-adjust our plans for ourselves based on where we are in the current moment.
Thank you, it means a lot to hear that. There are times self-directed conversations are supportive. I wish it's like that every day but there are days when such questions re-surface.
Well said. I guess the illusions of time, the attachment to the past, and the longing for the future trigger these. It felt good being able to submit and complete the project yesterday. Thank you for your encouraging and uplifting words.
Yes for sure. And the feelings are completely understandable and common and it's easy to say something that isn't always easy to do - and all that.
Sometimes I draw some inspiration for challenging thoughts like these from people I met in university who were in their 50's going to school for the first time or back to school for a career change. Its never too late for anything. There are barriers for sure, I wouldn't downplay them at all, but often many of our barriers are self imposed and created by our own minds.
That's actually a cool suggestion, I'd love to go back to school again and continue learning. I'd keep that in mind.
Oh yes, so true. They're self-imposed. This brought me back to the drawing board. Lots of limiting beliefs I had to confront and am working on.
I actually just meant the university thing as an example of "its never too late for something in life," whatever that something is for the person - going back to work for example...etc
Understood, but it's also a cool idea. Learning something new is fun anyway through school or as an apprentice of something through work, expanding one's knowledge maybe learn a new language or craft for as long as it brings us joy.
Okay gotcha. Yes, I agree.
Oh how amazingly and beautifully written this is! So inspiring your journey is, and the realizations that came with all the decisions that you took. I have to read this again and again :)
I am deeply touched by your message, thank you. Wishing you a beautiful evening from the south. ❤
Thank you too :) It's a beautiful journey and I believe still is through today :) Good morning from up here. ❤
Interesting story... I think that all of us who dream big or with things that apparently seem impossible, situations happen to us where we test our passion, strength and determination to reach that dream...
The strangest thing is that the more you look for that inspiration, the more lost you feel...
It's all about relaxing, not seeing it as an opportunity that expires with age or an unforeseen event, but with the certainty that it will be a way of life...
How to overcome physical and metal exhaustion? Simply by enjoying, stopping questioning every idea on the subject, flowing, drawing, looking for experiences that nourish this path... The answers are yours, listen to your inner voice? Enjoy! These are circumstantial processes that you feel, it is not the end... 🌈🙂
P.S: Beautiful photos and answering your question, how did you know you were on the right path? Because it's that, that you don't stop thinking no matter what, that makes you smile, fight, cry, get excited, make an effort, that makes you feel in love and sometimes frustrated, where you could spend hours and hours doing the same thing... That's the right way!
The inner light has not yet been turned off internally... Try it again! 😀✌️
Greetings and hugs 🤗
MALOMI LOVE ❤️
Hi Malomi, while reading your comment, I had this vision of sitting across from you drinking tea while listening to the words.
So far, it had been gardening that kept me grounded since. The compound effect of the pandemic, our business closure, the typhoon, and everything that happened for the last 7 years had been quite heavy. It calms me to think that it is what it is. Gardening and doing things at home that nurtures the inner light help a lot.
Love how you defined that. It certainly felt like that in the past. I just need to open up and see what that might be now. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Virtual hugs
I am very happy that you had the vision to see you having tea with me, because that means that you felt the warmth and confidence in my words, besides I like tea and sharing it in a good conversation would be great.
On the other hand, it is understandable each of the episodes of learning and some somewhat hard that you have lived, but they have led you to be what you are today and to distinguish what you like and what you don't...
I humbly propose you to try forgiving yourself, for all the bad things you have gone through, for choosing paths that have led you to uncomfortable situations and at the time, for living hard or difficult moments to accept for you...
Maybe by handling forgiveness and understanding that you are human, that you can make mistakes and start again and that God's timing is perfect, maybe you can open your heart and with that start to create...
Is everything I say easy? Maybe not... But you feel like connecting again with what you love?
Then surely the signs will come soon... Keep your eyes open and trust in yourself
You have a beautiful road ahead of you, don't give up! 🌈🌸
I return the virtual hugs with affection. 🤗🌼
I'm taking these gems in mind. Will continue inner work for sure. Good thing you brought up forgiveness. Interesting you mentioned it, how I had completed forgiving everyone else but left myself out of the equation. That is next on my list. 🙏 Virtual hugs 🌈🌸
Apparently in these equations we leave ourselves out 😅 forgive us or admit something might seem extreme, I send you good energy and a hug, I'm sure and I have faith that you will do very well ... 🤗🌼🌈
Thank you and wishing you a lovely weekend!
Same for you and your family... 😊
So beautifully written , thanks for sharing your life. I didn't want to stop reading! I felt mixed emotions 🥲 Send my hugs to bb Anais 🥰
Hi Shanna, firstly thank you for sharing it, I'm profoundly touched. It felt good being able to release these thoughts that had been plaguing me for quite some time now.
Anais is emulating whatever she sees from her parents and asks a lot of questions. I'd love for her to do whatever her heart sets her out to do. Hugs received and she sends virtual hugs back 😊
What about you, have you found that thing you do that makes your heart sing yet? If yes, what was it like? And if you're still on that journey, you're not alone.
It is so interesting to read your story in relation to your earlier desire for a career and subsequent choices. who doesn't know it, as a child we can think of many things that we want to become haha :) But you have already experienced a lot, including working abroad.
Hi Katrin, it's fun how it was a child, anything was possible. I had always been an anything-is-possible person hence I managed to jump hurdles and avoid some too but I guess the exhaustion had caught up with me and didn't want my story to end and revolve around the past. There's just this sense of feeling stuck and I do acknowledge it's all up to me to do something about it. A part of me knows I will be able to bounce out of this and I guess I'll take Leaky's word for it - to regroup and re-adjust plans accordingly.
What about you, have you found your ikigai?
I get what you mean, I also try to live by the fact that everything is theoretically possible and we just have to work hard for it, but we shouldn't give yourself up for it :) I think you can definitely do it, I'm with you secure. I'd say I'm not 100% finding it yet, but am getting there. Even if it is sometimes worth fighting for, it has sometimes helped me to accept that there is no way forward for me (e.g. during my first degree, dentistry). It wasn't my forte, nor did it give me purpose, so I started law, which suits me much better. And what also makes me very happy is traveling and spending time with my loved ones. For example, I'll probably go to Lapland this year for a semester abroad and I'm really looking forward to it:)
I'm grateful to read your story and I'm so happy for you that you've found it early.
That was an intuitive move, changing course when there was no way forward.
Sounds like a great year with lots of new adventures ahead. I can feel your excitement from where I am sitting 😊 Wishing you a blissful day today.
Such a great story :) Thanks for sharing! 😀
Hello Shine, hope today has started on a high note for you. How did you find your path or are you still on that journey discovering it?
I have gone through so many incarnations of myself I can hardly keep track of where I've been or where I was originally headed. I often rethink every decision I've ever made. Recently I have been looking much deeper and breaking my own mold of 'what I should be'.
This is a lovely post. Thank you for sharing it.
Hi @barracudadiaries, you strike me as someone keenly self-aware and intuitive. From the many incarnations you went through, what was the best decision that first comes to mind that you've made which was the pivotal moment for you, and what inspired that decision?
Honestly it was just the end of last year/beginning of this year when I finally (after years of talking about it) left the job I had had for 12 years. Nothing lined up but a real need to re-connect with myself and my spirit led me to finally leave. Just a week after I left, there was new management...everyone there is frustrated with them. It was this decision and the following events that has got me full-on digging deeper! ;)
Congratulations on your big leap! It takes courage and faith to be able to do that. Sometimes, we reach a point when enough is enough and seek what feels right. Wishing you all the success and everything that you hope for in your new journey.
A beautiful story Arni, enjoyed reading this post! You could be a short story teller, why not pursue your writing prowess.. Maybe publish a book about your adventures in the world of designing adding your anecdotes about them. Maybe thru writing you can forget about that burnout syndrome. Cheers!
Hello Mers, when I read your comment, I just stared at it for several minutes, speechless. A heartfelt thank you. I haven't thought about it at all but that's something I'll definitely think about.
In my instincts I know you´ll be a very good writer, so think about it. Share your experiences when you were in Dubai, your travel adventures in episodes one at a time, that would be a good read. I wish I could write just like you.
Grateful for your kind words and will always remember this.
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That sounds like a really great walk and day!
Hi Sergio, how I'd love to do it again but there's more to that walk than meets the eye.
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