And lo, 'twas a fairly clear and smog-free day in Colorado, for once.
Me, my buddy Judd, and my magically dafty and crafty Subaru, Yolo McFukitol, were camping out somewhere in the woods above Twin Lakes.
It was well past high noon, and so of course I'd already shot my way through several dozen shooters of Kentucky Deluxe, which I took off the body of a Texan I shot dead after I caught him cheating in a game of Texas hold 'em we were playing in a bar somewhere in the deluxe part of Kentucky. Judd was about halfway through his second handle of white dog, and YMF was having a nice hot drunken soak in a huge simmering vat of used motor oil. I don't know where he got the used motor oil or the vat to simmer it in but he's a wiley one that one is. I'll drink to that.
Anyhow, as is our custom, YMF and I were out there stumbling around slightly smashed with no aim save to leave our campsite cleaner than we found it. Judd being the fine chap that he is gladly joined our mad drinking game, and as we shall see soon enough, his contribution was significant.
As we shall also see, this was easily the most littery pile of shit campsite we've encountered thus far in this season of Campsite Cleanup.
Hence my rapidly rising hatred for the human race.
But enough drivel. Let's get into the nitty gritty, shall we?
For the first time, I'm not going to bother editing and uploading every single photo of trash I took. Even a writer of such stamina and prolificity as me has a limit, and I would certainly run out of world-class puns and dry witticisms long before I'd finished my task of captioning all the dumb paper and plastic and other uninteresting discarded crap I picked up. So without further ado,
here's a bottle cap from an upside-down Corona Light. Unlike normal beer, upside-down beer is charged with helium and thus pours upward, so you have to be sure to catch it with an umbrella and have a straw handy, otherwise it will fly away into the heavens and next thing you know there'll be a bunch of tipsy birds staggerflapping around the sky like bumbling idiots and dive-bombing innocent children as if Hitchcock himself were standing there directing their lives. I hate people.
Why do I even bother?
The fools who roll in here after I've rolled out will just repeat the crimes of the fools who rolled in and out before I rolled in.
That's a rock 'n' roll song right there.
Southern Tier brews upside-down beer too? Well knock me in the noggin with a can of Lake Shore Fog and call me a cock, I never knowed.
Beer can, MELTED;
Plastic fork, MELDED;
Cigarette, DEJECTED;
Cigarette, ERECT.
I hate people.
Dead pigeons everywhere. A hex upon those who blasted your fragile flying bodies apart and left you lying shattered here.
Says "citronella formula" and "deet free" and "keep out of reach of children" so I'm guessing this contained insect repellent, and I'm hoping it didn't work and the people who left it here are dying of malaria right now.
Start with a serving of the world's most flavorful fruit® from FamilyTree Farms,
crack in an egg,
add a splash of citrus,
mix in a dash of whatever came out when you tore that tab off,
sprinkle on a few pinches of pepper pepper pepper,
and then savor your final meal before suffocating yourself to death with this piece of saran wrap.
Good job.
BEGIN INTERMISSION
Silly litter, don't you mean 1312?
END INTERMISSION
Q-tip (used).
Hair clip (abused).
Dental pick (cocked).
Plastic crap (locked?)
I hate people.
Sure! Come on up all the way from the Springs why don'tcha! We'd love to have ya up here, you and your fine little family of six 4-ounce succulents from Lowe's! Don't forget to bring along that 32-quart bag of potting mix and before you leave please by all means feel free to drop off your receipt, we'd be happy to pick that up and throw it away for ya! Sure thing!
Sponsored by REI, who've been sharing their passion for the outdoors since 1938!
All I ever wanted was a peg and a half,
a blue pen,
and a burnt out glowstick! And now I've got them all, everything I ever wanted, all thanks to the fools who rolled in and out of here before me!
YELLOW PLASTIC THING!
REDDISH GLOBBY THING!
GREEN DOG-RELATED BULLET-SHAPEY THING!
I HATE PEOPLE!!
…
…
Exhausted, YMF and I both, from the stress of the hunt.
Ready to call it quits on the quest for litter, and get ourselves into dinner-prep mode, and relax and maybe have ourselves a couple dozen nightcaps or so before crashing.
But then suddenly yells Judd:
YO OTHERBRANDT MY BUDDY, YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND!
…
…
Are you fuckin' shittin' me!?
Someone custom-built their own goddamn fuckin' camp shitter out here!?
What part of pack it in, pack it out do you not understand ya fuckin' knuckleheads!!
Well guess what's gonna happen now!
We're gonna tear apart that shitty little wooden shitter you spent all that time building, and we're gonna use it to build our campfire!
And since we're a crew of such unbelievably handsome swashbucklin' and studly lads as unlike you, we shall swiftly and boldly clean up the crap that you decided to leave behind,
including all the poop-smeared TP and paper towels the wind had scattered haphazardly throughout the woods,
just as your bones shall also soon be scattered by the creatures of this forest you've defiled—
for on that day when you inevitably return in search of your beloved shitter,
longing to shit thereinto,
Yeah, you did that. That's some drunk guy blockchain shit right there.
It's all Yolo McFukitol's fault.
Stop trying to involve me in your murderous drunken escapades you asshat.
Stop calling me an asshat you knucklehead!
Asshat.
With this machete I hereby dub thee knucklehead.
OMG for the whole thing. You write such great stuff. I just died and lots of omg's. I am so into this whole trash thing you're doing here.
“Staggerflapping”, the visuals that word brings are hilarious. What a great word. This whole little paragraph about upside-down Corona Light…omg...and punctuated with “I hate people.” I burst out laughing.
All the punctuated "I hate people" throughout is killing me. It's so visceral and so good.
Oh, yes, I did see the machete, I just got distracted by the whole post. 😂