Another long break guys and here's why?
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Well, I only intended to have a couple of weeks off; while I was on holiday but one thing led to another and here we are a month or so down the line. Firstly my holiday was amazing, just what I needed a break from this Island but coming back sent me into a bit of a spiral of poor mental health. The weeks that followed have been shit but mind-opening. But all is well now it was a progression in my awareness and highlighting things within myself I needed to address.
It's best to start the begging right after my last post.
How long ago was that now?
God knows!
Anyway, for the last few months, my mental health has been declining! Not in a depressed way although some elements are there I guess. It's been more of a "what the fucking is going on" kinda way! I do apologise in advance for the language in this post it's going to be strong and repeatedly. Society is fucked and causing ripples of poor mental health globally so a bit of strong language is called for and were all adults (I hope). I, like many of you out there have seen this coming for a long time and now it's finally hit in full reality. I've spent twenty years preparing for this and what plan do I have! π©
The biggest factor was the Covid (ok said it) being a proud anti-vaxer and working in mental health on a lie, yes it is for the greater good; it can work both ways that line. So this has been cutting me up mentally. Now I am an honest person who believes in karma and it is true to what I know and feel inside. However, I need to work and love my job and have a passion to change the field and bring nature-based therapies into mental health treatments. I'm doing a fucking good job of it and getting great results, but as someone who can contemplate and research my own through this made me a bad person in society. I decided to hold this lie for the greater good and was please I still manage to work as many were shat on but their employer and the great NHS left them to rot in a pile of debt. So I'm lucky, right? The guilt of this lie as I said has been breaking me down, man I don't even feel I can tell my therapist (yes had to fork out for one of those too, an alternative one of course).
In addition to this, my relationship was not going well even though I had rose-tinted glasses on. As you can guess that ended also but although it hurt my mind has bigger emotions to suppress it seems. I and the now-ex planned a great trip to Mexico to escape and reset. Through the universe's desire and the ending of our relationship; her visa messed up and we only had three days together. We talked and it was clear it was the end and I've not seen her since. Mexico was amazing though after the initial blowout I settled in. Goddam I've missed travelling that energy, the passion, the diversity and the fucking FREEDOM!
Whilst there I did some Holotropic Breathwork WOW! Blew my mind! The experience was very like Kambo (I posted about the experience a few years ago). The lady in my visions (Mother Gaia?) was all in white and as with the Kambo, she showed my moments in my life. However, the difference was she showed me how this had affected my life today as the Kambo showed how I had affected others. The overall realisation was I have not focused on my life or needs. Don't get me wrong I have had a blooming good shindig and live a very privileged life. What the message was for me is being a healer I have focused on making myself better for others and now am in a limbo not healed myself and facing the pent up trauma I have ignored previously.
After this, I floated around a few beaches and Mayan ruins in a state of renewed perception and a feeling of inner calm.
I was doing what I loved and it felt RIGHT!
The bombshell came and it was time to return to the place I call home. When I got back it was wet, cold and a thump back to the fear-driven mindset the media forces upon the masses. Now I have always known this is the case (well for the last fifteen or twenty years at least) so it was nothing new. People's perception is changing they are aware of the fear driving and corruption, the problem is their eyes are only just flicking open and the knife is only inches away from our third eye. This drives me to despair π€― !
What do I do folks?
This life is not me! This rat race bullshit working paycheck to paycheck. I can't spend my money how I enjoy here, the lurgy made sure that all the entertainment and sessions I used to frequent (or try to) are gone or so expensive it's not an option. England it knees.
I am setting up a local 'Men's Circle' but I'm tired folks I need me time, I need adventure again excitement. It feels like I have been dragging a dying friend through the wilderness we've broken out of the danger zone and can see where we are heading but my arms are shot and am parched. I'm painting a very depressive picture but things are fucking beautiful and will be but my mind is having an internal struggle with the conditioning being fired at me and the ego telling me to compile and be loyal to those around me. I love life but am I living it to the full am I just powering the matrix and compiling like a good sheep?
It's All Good Though Right?
Since Mexico, I am vowing to be more me! I am going again in 2023 and also I am booking a Yoga retreat in Slovenia for my birthday later in the year! Elsewhere could be considered though, any recommendations are welcome ππ½. Kinda Europe area as travel cost and I have limited holiday from work left.
I am out walking more again and on the wild camping. The problem in the UK is the weather is shit a lame excuse I know! I don't drive and cannot get driving lessons or a test sorted out due to shortages of instructors or ones sharing ridiculous prices because they are women, why should I pay more because a woman is teaching me? Fuck Off. I have had to cancel my driving test three times now as I can't get lessons and not my theory is close to running out so that waste cost. Where is the logic other than cashing on others' misfortune? Anyways positive from now on!
Yes, I am getting out more and finding the motivation and fighting the cold weather and rain. I plan to build up funds quicker and take more weekend breaks and one big holiday a year and a retreat. This is the beginning of my better life. Of course, as an OT I am putting a graded plan and some short term goals to reach my end goal. Thankfully some sounds baths are popping up locally again and this will facilitate me building my tribe. A lot of what I am finding is I have outgrown a lot of people I know, now that is not some ego trip even though it might sound so. I have moved to a higher spiritual mindset for me and this means I don't vibrate on the same frequencies as I did and in turn, some people just resonate with me anymore.
Wrapping up then (finally)...
That is my rant folks. We are in pivotal times and is more important than ever to find what resonates with you. I guess this is where the real battle begins! Not one of fighting necessarily but for control of our minds and senses. As you can tell my mind is snipping around like a merry go round but I am strong folks and have my tribe, you guys. You are the guys who can handle my rants. I am finding my local tribe also, with improved focus and passion I am finding my path is correct and now is my time to SHINE !!!
So that's a wrap for today!
Connect with you next time... π¦Άπ½π―π.
Om namah shivaya... ππ½ππΏ
For Reiki vibrations contact @thebarefootot
Check these out, they work well for me:
Hey good to hear from you again! Don't worry, you are not alone. I don't know who said it but it is not a sign of good mental health to be well-adjusted to this society.. I am trying my best and doing many ways to stay sane (still in a hamster wheel due to covid ugh), exercising, eating healthy etc. I hope that people like us can unite and live together harmoniously somewhere! Or maybe just form a community here for people like us haha. I am dying to be part of something... even if just online.
I'm sorry to hear about your rel prob. Romantic rel for me is taxing! It can get lonely sometimes tho lol.
I said that a get up to all the people who sit there and do nothing about the mess we are all in haha.
There will be a place and time just wish it was now. When in Mexico I was offered a place to stay and support setting up reiki. I'm torn I like the freedom to camp out here without being eaten. I like the income I have. However, I know there will become a point I have to leave and I don't have the confidence in myself to build a new life. I've struggled to move just before Covid and have major imposter syndrome.
As for the rel prob it sucks and without a partner I am lonely, only me and the cat now π Tried online dating but I think I'm too deep for most on there and can't be assed texting all the time. Have to trust the universe has her plan ππ½ Thanks nice to know I'm listened to somewhere π. Sending reiki vibes
It is really hard to let go of job security. In a way, it gives us the comfort that we need and the freedom to move swiftly without worries and anxieties. But I hope someday I'd be able to build a new life, it is just hard right now, especially after COVID.
Cats are loyal. I can't live without my cat. :)
Yes very true and it gives me the cash flow to do things. Not that much is about due to the lurgy but Mexico for example. And planning another holiday in November. It's a tough one but I know the universe has its plan ππ½
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I can understand your point but most of us went through such a mental state and some of us are still suffering from that. I am one of them. I am on this site just because Covid left me absolutely heart broken. Welcome back!
Yes, I have fluctuated through the years. It's tough when you have seen all this coming and try telling people and no one listens then it's here and people say "you said this would happen", blows the mind! Just seems everything is coming to a head now. This is my time and I am going to enjoy it while I can and while I have the freedom too π―π.
Keep strong my friend we are all in this together ππ½