Life is hitting me quite hard right now. I’m not sure if I have just lost myself and direction, or if it is a midlife crisis, but there is a definite shift in energies and I feel confused.
I am 44 years old. My son moved away a couple of years ago and I have moved house to a new area with only one friend nearby. My partner is now working closer to home so we are together more; he was working away in London before and was only home on weekends, but now I get to see him daily which is much better.
I found out today one of our close friends may have bowel cancer which is a massive shock. I can’t quite get my head around it. He is only 10 years older than me and has been a hard worker all his life and waiting for his early retirement to come so that he can buy a motor home and travel around the UK with his wife. Today’s news is a hard blow. What if he never gets that chance to spend the time travelling with his wife? What were all the years of struggling and hard work for exactly?
I think I am having an existential crisis. I have no career as such to speak of. Yes, I am a dog breeder who does things ‘properly’ ie has a licence, only breeds from health tested dogs, pays tax on my puppy sales etc, but it doesn’t really lead to anything. I am making a difference to the bulldog gene pool which is very important, but there is no progression from here. I am making things from wood for people which I love doing, but is it making a difference to anyone’s life? Is it of benefit to my life? Not really, but I do enjoy it and it brings people pleasure so I guess that does make it worthwhile.
I have found myself questioning my life direction. What should I be doing? Am I on the right path? Should I be spending more quality time with my partner before time runs out? Can we afford to spend quality time together?
Is this a normal chain of thought when our kids leave home? Is this a midlife crisis? If so, what is the correct way to deal with all these thoughts and feelings?
Let me know if you have been through a similar thought process. Sometimes it is good just to know you are not alone and these feelings are normal.
Much love,
Cheryl and the bulldogs xx
You're only a bit older than me but all my kids are still at home (eldest has said he won't be able to afford to move out with the rent the way it is, and I think they're currently all happy staying here as we're currently a nicely functioning unit, and I'm happy that they're here as they're all pretty responsible and do their chores most of the time). I can somewhat relate to the shifting of energies as while I still have two to homeschool (it's both harder and easier, both because they are more inclined to do their own thing and much less inclined to do things that I want them to do), as they're all mid-late teens I can do a bit more of my own stuff now (still not nearly as much as I want but definitely more than I could previously).
Definitely sounds like a midlife crisis, and also just the normal thought process of someone who actually thinks about things XD Sibling dearest and eldest had quarter life crises (she was mid-20s, eldest is actually only 19 so when he had his I teased him about being too young for it) and I think I've had several mini ones since I started approaching 40.
That sucks about your friend :< are things looking that bleak that there's a real danger they won't get their early retirement and travel?
I remember thinking a variant of this ("when do we get to have fun?") back in my late teens when having a conversation with some cousins about some unreasonable expectations from an older relative (sometimes I feel like it's a previous generation Asian thing XD). Basically it went along the lines of you're supposed to study hard while you're at school so you can get into a good uni course so you can get a good job and there will be "plenty of time" to have fun later (nobody actually actively prevented us from doing normal kid stuff like going out with friends and playing and having hobbies etc but the time that we preferred to spend doing that was generally seen as a waste that should be spent hitting the books instead). Then you graduate and get into uni and get into a good course and there you need to study hard so you graduate and can get into a good job (sure by all means hang out with your friends and have hobbies but again apparently 90% of free time should apparently be spent studying?). Then you get into this job and you should be working hard so you get promoted and earn more money.
And we were like at what point does the "plenty of time to have fun later" come about, when we're 70 and might not be able to do some of the stuff that some of us wanted to do? That's a long way off and a very unfair proportion (30-40 years of "hard work" for maybe 10-20 years of "later fun") when you're a teenager.
or maybe just when I was a teenager I donno but I feel like that's why some "kids these days" have got non-existent work ethic
I think I switched off about then and at some point (can't quite remember when but probably in my 30s when I was despairing about ever getting my project done) started approaching a lot of things looking backwards ("when I'm dying am I going to regret not/doing this?").
Also helps not considering things as transactional/having "value", just do them because they're fun and fulfilling and/or the right thing to do. If we can positively affect someone in the process we're changing their world (even if it's just by a little bit) and everyone doing that enough changes the world.
Hope you've managed to process and are feeling better :)
Thank you so much! Yes life can be hard at times. I managed to do a full reset on life which has helped tremendously! Thank you again for your support, it really is appreciated xx
Oh yay that sounds good :D
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I think I dodged this bullet, my adult kids are still with me.
It's that feeling that we missed something, a forgotten dream, a fleeting passion, a small decision that would have steered us a different direction.
Maybe its time to take some action and explore those.
I full life reset was needed and hopefully I’m ready to go again and this was just a ‘blip’. Definitely agree with you about taking action, if we sit with our issues, sometimes we drown in them
Sometimes these things hit us several times throughout our lives and for different reasons. Oftentimes, it's a bit of news, such as your friend, that can set off all of these questions. I too, am an empty nester. I have often questioned just what impact have I made? The thing is, you really don't necessarily know. It might be that we aren't supposed to know either. And just when things are going well, round two will come at you, and the process starts all over again. Solution? I don't have one, but if we strive to live our lives the best we can, doing for others along the way, things will turn out okay. Sometimes, the smile you sent a little old lady was the difference between her ending her life or not. Like I said, we just often don't know.
Hang in there; eventually, if there's something else you should be doing, it will be revealed to you. Take care!🤗💜
Thank you so much! Yes you are right, it’s the small things that can have a huge impact on someone’s life. A smile here and there can brighten someone’s day. Thank you for your support 🥰
You are most welcome! Take care!🤗💜
I am not the same age as you are and I have struggles too, for me, I prayed a lot and spend time meditating, and it helped me to clear my negative thoughts in mine.
I have definitely found quiet time and meditation helpful. A week away in nature was the reset I needed
I think that when we near the forties these kind of thoughts hit and hit hard. It is also the same that you start to hear more and more tales off terrible illnesses affecting people you know and it seems like everything just gets bleaker.
Live for the moment, it's the only way!
Very true. I think until this age, I have been very lucky to sail through life coping with any issues sent my way, but for some reason now I don’t feel as well equip to deal with them, and the fact that friends lives are being massively impacted is probably the reason why, as I am too much of an empath at times and feel more for other people than I do myself as a rule. Living for the moment is good advice! I am going to make this a priority in life from now on 🥰
Hope you and the family are all well!
I think we all dwell on what we have done with our lives when we realise it could all be half over. I'm well past that point, but fairly happy for now. I went through a bit of a slump in my 40s, but things like running and music are keeping me motivated. It helps that we are financially secure, but I realise that is not the case for everyone and times are hard.
Sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is cruel and can hit anyone, even if they have lived a healthy life. I think treatments have improved though.
You are doing good work with your dogs. I do think they ought to be more regulated. It could help if people needed a licence to have one as owners have responsibilities. Could apply to cats too as we have been fostering so many.
Stay well.
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Thank you Steve, you are always there with support and sound words of advice. I had to do a life reset, but feeling much better for it. I love my dogs and I have to admit, I do get satisfaction knowing I am helping better the gene pool through responsible breeding and I agree with you, breeders should all be licenced. 40’s is a hard decade haha I’m halfway there though, so let’s hope the second half is easier than the first 😂🙏
I've got 60 not too far away! But then I go to a pub music session with guys in their 80s, so I think I could have some good years to come.
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Hey @beautifulbullies you have beautiful dogs! :)
I hear you. You're a bit older than I am and lately I've been asking myself some existential questions, like is there anything else to my life, am I missing something, where do I need to go and what else do I need to do? I know it's crazy but sometimes I wish I'm young again or go back to events and situations in the past to change my choices. Though I know I've already tried a lot of things and been to many places, I feel like there's something else still missing...
I just remind myself that the best thing for me to do is just to move on and live in the present. Take care of myself, my health (physical and mental), my skin, and focus on hobbies that are rewarding. I believe these things that we're good at (signature strengths) will keep us busier and happier in old age. So I invest all my time currently on becoming good at something (other than my job).
Rewarding hobbies is such a good shout! I need to reset my brain to just enjoy them and not worry if I’m not perfect at them. At the end of the day we are doing something positive with our time and creating, rather than just existing, which has to count for something positive. Thank you for your support, it means so much knowing you are not alone 🥰
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