Womanhood has been on my mind today. So I thought I'd write about it. How we define strong women, women of note, women who can hold their own.
As men.
That's one insanely popular "strong woman" myth that's been circulating for some 40 years now. And while it might've made sense closer to the suffragette movement, it makes no sense now. To say women must behave as men to be strong implies men are strong. Men aren't made strong by aggressiveness or ruthlessness or cruelty. That just makes them cunts.
We're going backwards here, ladies.
Choosing to believe it's a woman.
Too long, in the business sector but not only, we've been telling women the only way to stand on their own is to behave like men. And not even good men, just an archetype of the primitive, sexist, ambitious-to-a-fault man. When by all means, we should be figuring out how to curb those that already exist, not make more of them.
As killer queens.
A show I was watching just brought to mind another popular understanding of what it means for women to be strong - the playful, bossy seductress. Except the femme fatale game doesn't work outside films and books written by lone, horny men. You're either something with a chance of being fucked, or else if it's clear chances are zero, you are once more a cunt.
See point A.
This one seems to be increasingly popular in this day and age, despite the assumption that the more we advance into our brave new world, the more liberated women would become. Nah. This whole "boss bitch" or "yes queen" vibe that's so in vogue among the youth adores precisely that kind of leader.
Consider most young women today. Turning themselves into offensive, bizarre sex dolls under the guise of "empowerment". Injecting God knows what into their lips, tits and ass, putting on fake lashes and penciling eyebrows. Bleaching their hair until they look like the ultimate Marilyn fuck doll. Getting all pouty and "cute" and mistaking the fact that the man plays along for somehow having won. For having become a strong woman.
Remember how Marilyn ended up. Look where all that "wrapping the men round her finger" got her. It was and is an act.
As bitches.
Which is how I originally got to thinking about this. I'm not a fan of competition among women, especially not for the sake of male satisfaction. And there is, in bucketfuls. The logic behind every menage a trois fantasy is, essentially, multiple women vying for you. A huge appeal in flirting with women other than your spouse or partner is the jealousy, the sense of competition (natural and primordial, in its way) that would somehow make both women compete ever consciously or not for you.
I'm not a fan of women competing with other women. I'm not a fan of women who "steal your man" because if a man (or anyone, really) can be stolen, then they weren't "yours" in the first place. Normal language rules don't apply here. Someone might steal your TV, but if the TV goes along willingly with them, I'm not sure we still call it stealing.
The only place where such concepts work is in Beth Hart songs. She's allowed to sing about "stealing your man" and she's still badass. But the rest of us? Such phrases should be permanently deleted from our vocabularies.
You're not a strong woman if you mess around. You're just most likely really insecure. You're not strong if you play at being a man. They'll always be better at it. They're men. You're not a strong woman if you step on other women, belittle or degrade them. That also is a mark of insecurity.
So then, what is a "strong woman"?
A great deal of Mary's strength comes, I think, from her tears. From her "weakness". And no, far be it from me to do a "Christian post". But I sure appreciate a good story.
I'm still working on a definition for myself. I think we each make our own. I don't think a strong woman needs to compete with or degrade other women so she can feel big. I don't think showing up another lady is gonna make you great. I think strong women tell other women they're beautiful and fun and great and brilliant... and mean it.
I think strong women can fix the fucking toilet if it breaks, without thinking that's "a man's job", but I also think a strong woman knows to step into and embrace her femininity, her quiet, her grace and let the man lead. I don't think letting a man lead is weakness as long as you know to separate it from the traditional patriarchal sense. The man needs to lead, is suited to it, just as the woman is suited to steering, to guiding.
I think a strong woman is patient and doesn't rush things. That one, I'm struggling with the most. I have a tendency to be impulsive, I often let my emotional rush get the better of me. But I'm working on it. I'm learning to say okay, the world will wait for me to think, to digest, and if it doesn't, it's not my concern.
I think the strongest women are made so by embracing their femininity, their intuition, their patience, their wisdom, their nurturing. Not denying it. Not pretending it's not there, just so they can mold themselves to a male fantasy. I think being strong is hard by nature, and made more so by the fact that we don't know what that is.
Which is why it's important we stop getting muddled up with all these fake definitions, and start understanding what words mean for us.
So how do you define a "strong woman"?
Toni Morrison - Strongest women I know. Have you read "Beloved?"
Things have become so distorted that half of the population doesn't even know what a woman is
It was on my mind as I was writing. As if we needed any more confusion on the point.
It's so great to see you, my dear dear friend. How are you?
My diabetes is playing hell with my kidneys. On a brighter note I'm waiting for glasses so I can start writing again
I'm sorry (about your kidneys); as for you writing again, I'm thrilled. You have been missed <3
Thank you! I miss writing and the interaction even more. I'm afraid I'm going to have to use a shorter format however
You win HIVE today imo.
I love you, goddess.
Look let's just strip it all back and say if you identify as whatever gender, vulnerability is strength, and kindness, and the ability to open a jar without losing your shit or seeking out a partner to do it for you.
I think there's a lot of woman out there argue they CHOOSE the botox because it makes THEM feel good, but that's gotta be a lie they don't even realize they are telling themselves. They also say they don't need feminism anymore, prob because they have never been a victim of sexual assault or other power plays THAT THEY RECOGNISE as such.
Most people don't understand how CULTURED and SOCIALISED we are. They believe it's nature, foremost. Even my husband thinks i should shave my legs. It infuriates me. Why? What makes that 'feminine'? I'm such a RESISTER of such things. Poor hubs, with hairy legged me wrapped around him.
Tell ya what though, I don't mind a menage a trois. It's excellent fun.
😁
Not that complicated, but that's taking all the social engineering and conditioning outta the question.
I do not understand these women one bit. I mean who'd buy that? Botox even looks uncomfortable. And I mean I can get women arguing they got a boob job for themselves 'cause a lot of women really are very insecure on that point, I think, so I do believe in a sense it can seem "for them", but the other stuff I just don't get. What, you were doing the old hair one day and thought "You know what'd go great? Lips like a fucking hamburger."
The world has changed, though unfortunately much less than it needs to. There's still a good deal of men who seem to observe these "new" rules of respect and equality and consent (because let's face it, they are new in evolution terms) simply because it's what's done and for fear of repercussions. At the end of the day, feminism isn't gonna save you from power plays or all manipulative weirdos, but it's not gonna hurt either, so leave it well alone :))
:)) Having a woman who loves him as much as you do? I'd say not poor at all Jamie :D
With the right people, certainly. Lotta people seem to have their view influenced by pornography and expect they need to behave like that in some way. Can't think of anything less fun tbh. :))
I can't speak from a feminine point of view, but I don't want to be around "bad bitch" women who conflate rude behavior with strength any more than I want to hang out with men like that. I also see women on social media who act as if the sole defining attribute of femininity is looking pretty and getting attention as if that's power and strength. Not so.
Independence is poorly understood in most contexts. "No man is an island," people say, as if rejecting authoritarian political impositions is the same as rejecting social interaction and exchange. In a similar respect, many women seem to believe "independence" can only mean proving men are unnecessary, but proving it to whom?
Some of the strongest women I know have found true partnerships, not because they are weak and need to be led, but because they found someone who resonates, someone they empower and who empowers them in turn. Others discovered independence is better than abusive relationships, and had to strike out alone after making mistakes in choosing a bad partner. Hard lessons learned, but they had the courage and virtue to change course.
I think the strong woman seeks virtue, and has the courage to embrace the right partnerships when opportunity arises not because she needs a man to be complete, but because the right man enhances her strengths. She has skill and knowledge to act alone, not because she doesn't need a man, but so she doesn't feel like she needs to settle for the wrong man.
I have a family member who chased a lot of the wrong men. She got heartbreak and a daughter and hard-earned experience. Her life isn't easy, but she has the character to do what she can under the circumstances she has. Fortunately she has family. A lot of women in her situation are very alone. And even the strongest can crumple under the burdens they face. That isn't weakness or frailty, it's the bitter truth that life can be hard. And we all face the myth that strength never falters. But even the strongest need a break.
So not only am I not sure I've clarified what a strong woman is, I'm not even sure I've helped matters with my 2 AM ramble. But strong women and men are defined by what is within then first. What they do and with whom they associate flows from that. Society sends us mixed signals. Even the strongest falter and need support from friends and family. Maybe something coherent emerged. I need to log off and try to sleep.
I wonder that, too. It's a good general rule that as long as you're fighting to prove your point is "right", you don't really believe it. Otherwise, why keep proving it?
I love that. As a woman, it resonates a lot. I think there's so much pressure on both sides not to show weakness that we've built prisons for ourselves that we refuse to open. Wouldn't be so bad maybe if we had a better definition of "strong". Yeah, I think you did a pretty good job. I like your definition of a strong woman (or human, really) :)
Truth. For me it is embracing femininity and treating people with kindness (both men and women) - but at the same time, she knows how to set boundaries and not let people use and abuse her. She takes responsibility for herself, takes care of herself (with or without a man) and will not let anyone define her. She is mentally strong and resilient, hard as steel but looks very feminine on the outside. :)
I agree with you 100%