I read @itravelrox's story and wanted to share my thoughts in just her comment section but then I realized I also have a lot to say. So here I am, ladies.
Money is always a sensitive issue in my family, or maybe at least for me. My family isn't rich, we have enough, so when I finished college, my father kept saying he didn't have to work anymore because it's time for me to pay back what was given to me. Was it a joke? I wasn't entirely sure because he kept repeating the same thing every time.
Back story. My father didn't have a proper job but he's doing his best to provide for the family. He owned a small business, rented the space for it but not entirely earning well. The pay was just enough to put food on our table and give us allowance for school.
My mother wasn't living with us and at that time, she was nursing my grandparents who were sick. She didn't have income but she had savings at least, also from my grandparent's inheritance probably. Even when she's far away, she would send money for our needs.
My parents didn't really have to worry about my tuition in college. I had a scholarship, so most of the time I just needed to pay 2,000-4,000 pesos (35-70 USD) for the remaining tuition. And that amount would be taken care of by my grandfather, then when he died, the sister of my grandfather took care of it.
You see, we're on the brink of poverty but thanks to blessings, we're still safe.
So passing the baton of being the breadwinner in our family.. I didn't know what to feel. Of course, I would want us to have a comfortable life. But the weight.. I wasn't too sure. I was young and a little bit immature.
To be honest, the burden of responsibilities is too much to bear. As the eldest in our family, I know I have to carry this responsibility but why would he stop providing for the needs of the family? Why would he pass this burden to me, his daughter? I had so many whys before graduating college and it just increased after graduating.
I was blessed to land a job even before graduating. My first job was as a software engineer in the IT industry in our country. It pays well if you compare it to other professions. I didn't inform my family of how much my salary was because it would cause problems for sure.
I provided to my family of course. Not because the responsibility was passed to me but because I just like to give. Who doesn't want a comfortable life for one's own family anyways? I helped with the groceries and bills but later on, the responsibility of sending my brother to school was also given to me. I didn't mind because that would mean helping my family, right?
Later that year, I was solely paying for a loan from my grandmother (not the one mom was taking care of). That loan was to pay off the bill of electricity in the house, in which we're living together with another relatives' family, my grandma's house to be exact. We're out of electricity for more than a year because of not paying for many months, and the penalty just went sky high that we, rather I, had to take a loan for it.
Back then I didn't think much because it would mean I would be helping the family but later I realized, why do I need to take care of that as well? I was paying off the loan.. which should be the responsibility of the families living in the house. Why am I paying for everything?
When is giving enough?
I'm not so sure myself.
Years later, we decided to move out of my grandma's house, we're still renting til now. I sent my brother to college, he took his time but eventually, he finished. My father was giving him his allowance for college, which I was thankful for. If he had stopped working and given all the responsibilities to me, I would probably become so rebellious.
My relationship with my father now is very complicated but we're civil now. We had a fight years ago because of money. Before, I would be paying off almost everything for the family, now at least everyone in the family is sharing burdens. I guess that fight helped.
I'm living away from my family now and they actually think I'm living a luxurious life abroad. To be honest, it's not easy because I also have bills to pay here. I let them understand my situation which led to a big fight in our family, but I'm happy I let my feelings out.
I like to give, but only if I have something to give.
How can I give when I don't have anything left for me?
Being a breadwinner was exhausting so to avoid the stress, I indulged myself in traveling and eating out with friends. Those travels though were tightly budgeted, up to every coin. I earned my salary, I should also enjoy it, right? Besides, I still give to my family, so I'm allowed to have this treat, right?
Until now, I still think it's not the sole responsibility of the child to pay back to parents. It's the parents' choice of bringing the child into the world, they should be responsible until the end.
Paying back shouldn't be required for children. It should be the child's choice to pay back, out of gratitude and not out of duty. Giving back should be out of gratitude and not because it's imposed.
I'm always envious of Japan's view on this. Japanese parents don't require their children to pay them back. My Japanese partner would often wonder why I kept sending money to my family even until now. When will this stop? I'm also not sure.
I think that's also the reason why I don't want to have a child of my own. I don't want to pass the burden of being a breadwinner and/or require my child to pay me back. My child doesn't owe me anything. It's the parent's responsibility to raise that child.
Even when I probably sound like ranting now, if I would go back in time, I would still be giving to my family. I don't regret being a breadwinner either, not anymore now. Graduated from being one and am glad I did. Now the entire family shares the expenses in the house.
My POV now is still of a daughter though. I'm not entirely sure if this will change when I become a parent (if and only if I will, maybe nope) but I will really try my best as to not be a burden to my child. I want my child to be free, and not to be in chains of paying back to me.
Thanks for reading!
See you around! じゃあ、またね！
With love,
All photos are taken using my phone unless stated otherwise.
This is a very good topic and very relevant in terms of financial education which I think is low in the Philippines. While the family culture in PH is strong, one of its downsides is on familial dependency. To the extent that children are seen as investments/insurances when one gets old.
"Marry and have kids so that someone can take care of you".
"Once the eldest graduates, I can retire"
...
Sometimes I feel bad that I have never offered something to my parents for their daily needs. However, my mantra is that I am ready to help once asked, but will not offer something unsustainable and unnecessary.
I definitely believe that it is the parents' job to raise the child and guide them to their success. No obligation whatsoever for them to pay back. This also means, parents should still prepare for their own retirement and not rely on their children. Definitely agree with what you say, "Giving back should be out of gratitude".
I respect your decision whether or not you plan to have an offspring. Come to think of it, it's actually responsible people like you who is conscientious about sustainability and financial education that should go forth and multiply.
Hopefully, more blessings to come your way. :)
That's the problem. Financial education is very low in the Philippines. And lots of old mindset. Children are not born and raised to be investments. That's a life you made, parents should be responsible to give their children the best, not the other way around. If the children would want to give back, it's really heartfelt if it's out of gratitude.
Hahahaha no pa rin sa offspring, katakot! hahaha
!PIZZA
I feel you madam. And I guess you know my other side of the story which was the main reason why I chose this topic because I know, it's not just me who's shouldering family burdens here..and just like you, my way of unwinding is traveling, and eating..
Sometimes I think, "How to be inconsiderate and irresponsible?"
I guess we weren't born like that so we keep taking the responsibilities that shouldn't be ours. And you know what? I have three college students with two ill parents.. It's too much to bare.. Sometimes, I just don't want to breathe, lol.
Life goes on..things will get better soon for us breadwinners.
Sending you my hugs !LADY
That's why it's very important to take a breather every once in a while. If we just keep on working and working, then giving and giving, we'll be drained, then will think of negative thoughts..
There should be boundaries talaga being a breadwinner.
3 college and 2 ill parents? Naku ewan how you managed to still be smiling and have positive energy Jane. Many people in your shoes probably would already be giving up.
If that's me, I would be so depressed na... rebelde na and inaaway ko na family ko nyan hahaha
Life gets better soon for all breadwinners talaga.
Everybody in the family should be helping each other, di yung ikaw lang nagpapasan ng lahat ng responsibilities. That's too much to bear.
Hayst..sinabi mo pa. Kaya tipid2 ako now. Wala muna cafe blogging 🤣.. .
Hay buhay. Some of my friends even said stop supporting them so my other siblings would work for our fam..d ko carry lalo na't may sakit sla papa at mama..tsk
Actually maybe I'm also one of those friends na magsasabi sayo nyan. Your sibs need to support your family too. Di pwedeng ikaw lang lahat Jane.
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You are correct! If it isn't like that you are being exploited!
Rightttt!
Right, always never tell your salary to all relatives. Kay possible permi ka utangan. Bad feeling kaayo mag away with parents because of money. Faet.
Kabalo ba kaaaaa when I had my interview for Japan, my laptop was on loudspeaker and I was at the house, gisulti bitaw na sa interviewer ang expected salary
Syempre dungog kaau sa balay, mao to, kabalo na dayon sila pila akng pay dire sa Japan.
Hayyyyyy dako na dayon problema coz they keep asking money, mao to ga away!
Ahak mag expect lage dayon...
I think in some cultures it is engraved and expected for the younger members to always help, but you’re absolutely right - we can’t pour from an empty jar. We need to take care of ourselves and our bills before we can help others. I also got to understand it later in life 💙
It's also painful if we want to give but we can't because we just don't have something to give.
The same concept as love yourself first before loving others.
I feel you sis. A few months ago my cousin reached out to me to ask if I can contribute towards my nan’s nursing home and in all honesty I can not. I’m still paying debts off from the covid time when I wasn’t working for over 1.5 years and with electricity price and interest rates increase I barely manage anyway 🤷🏻♀️ I reduced my pleasure outgoings, not dancing much and already feel very low with this. Had I decided to help, I’d probably do it at the cost of my mental health and that’s not something I am prepared to do.
Absolutely, we need to love ourselves first.
!PIZZA
Weww! Ang bait naman talaga ni withings na anak. Super blessed ang parents with studies walang gastos. Pure heart, so kind and generous. I am with you. But sometimes yung problems talaga parang pasan mo ang daigdig lalo na pag eldest ka. Feel ko ikaw. Sending hugs withings. Love you always!
Mahirap talaga pag eldest kasi you have to be this and that, pasan mo na mundo later on. Hayyy mahirap maging generous talaga pinkchic pag wala tayong pera hahahaha huhuhu Labyu too!! hugs
I realised that this is quite a mentality that a lot of the older generation hold towards their kids. No idea if this is an Asian culture thing. Fortunately, both me and my spouse's parents don't have this mindset and refuse anything from us. I've pretty much told my daughter the same thing too. 😜
You're so lucky to have modern day parents! Probably more of an Asian thing, though I think in some parts of the world, this is also an issue
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! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoParang mindset na ito Ng mga Pinoy ano na Yung mga anak, palakihin, paaralin and when graduated to college parang responsibility na nya Ang family but yes you're right, we should give because we want to help not because we are paying for something they have done when we were still young.
Yeah, it's really a hard to change this mindset esp in our elders.
Children are not investments. Tsk
awww miss witzu I can feel your emotions reading this. tara shot 🍻 😆
Palahubog ay hahahahaha T_T pols tara shot charot
When you mentioned your father repeatedly saying, "It's payback time," I felt like hearing my own father. I think it's a generational trait - during their time they think that it is the responsibility of the younger generation to tend to their needs just because they are the older generation. Then they cease going to work, not realizing that life does not stop when their eldest graduates from college and lands a job.
As breadwinners, we know the importance of helping out. But it is difficult to not pop the question, "Until when?"
I've even notice that even when you have your own family already, you still need to give back to your parents. It's really hard to set boundaries. Not all people are openminded. Some are still living in the old times.
I'm not sure if this is uniquely Filipino. There's no issue if we have the means, but if we are barely making it, the lack of support often leads to family rifts. Haay. Hehe. :)
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Sahod mo kahapon ah. Kelan ka magpapadala?
walang sahod kahapon
Me want lapad.
tanduay?
Hahahaha. Never ko na iinumin yun.
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Maojud na mindset sa mg pamilya diri sa pinas sa mga nag abroad sis, hayahay, pero tawon wala sila kabalo unsa ka kapoy sa ilang work labi na mga DH, sa mga dili DH dobly gasto kay mahal bills sa abroad, todo tipid tawon pero ang pamilya, mag away2x na tungod sa kwarta sa nag abroad. Nya ang uban manawag o mangamusta lang ug ting sweldo na hays buhay.
Yes sis deserve kaayu nimo na nga e treat nimo imong self, laag2x with friends ug uban pa. Enjoy your life while working abroad.
Panagsa ra bitaw pud ko kamustahon, kung naa ray kailangan. Sometimes gani lahos na sa ilang needs wala nay kamustahay. Ok raman nako pud basta lang jud kasabot sila.
Lisod kaau mura tag cash cow ani hahaha pero ok ra if naa rapud lagi koy ikahatag. Lisod kaayo mag budget2x bitaw. hahah pero lavarn lang, no choice man.
Laban lang jud sis. Maka happy man pud maka hatag sa pamilya.
Anyways Gwapa ug gwapo jud na imong mga anak soon sis kay Japinay combination.
Bwahahahahaha d man ko ganahan magka anak sis hahahahaha
!PIZZA
Hahaha paliwat bisan isa lang sis oy, kay gwapa raba ka sayang imong liwat ana hihihi