I think my grandma is living with me.
I don’t know… she might not be… but I also don’t really see a path to her going home.
My grandma will be 99 in January. She owns a walk up top floor condo that she lives in on her own (grandpa died in 2003). She is my mom’s mother. Grandma is an only child. Mom is an only child. I am an only child. So her family is me, my husband, mom and dad.
She is incredibly healthy for almost 99.
Before covid (when grandma was 94) she would go out to breakfast every day, and totally took care of herself. My mom was healthy then (before being bedridden by cancer), so if grandma needed anything (escort to doc’s appointments, home repair, etc) mom and dad would help. But back then grandma didn’t need much.
So covid happens. Mom’s cancer happens. Grandma becomes totally isolated. Except for seeing me. I would go shopping with her. And started taking her to her doctor appointments.
Grandma is maybe 5 feet tall on a tall day. So very tiny generally. But the stress of everything thing with mom… The isolation brought by on by covid… Grandma lost weight (was down to 90lbs from 120) and generally became more frail.
Grandma also can’t hear well at all. So can’t talk to anyone on the phone. (Oddly she can only hear my dad’s voice). So getting things accomplished has gotten harder for her every year.
Grandma still drove her car up til the start of this year. (Luckily only one block to the store). I would ask her not to shop without me, but she would go anyway. However, she started to get too tired to carry her groceries up the stairs. She has also started falling the last year and has gotten some big bumps on her head because of it.
Anyway, grandma gave up driving (finally) and is going to let me sell her car. So I have been taking her grocery shopping every 2 weeks.
On October 28 I had dad call grandma to arrange the time I would pick her up on the 29th to shop. We found out late that night that her power had been out for 3 days! And she had just been under a blanket with a heating pad trying to stay warm. 🙁
I went over on the 29th. Her place was freezing and I brought her to my house. It was our intention she would go home when the heat was fixed. (My husband had left town for a work trip to India on October 28, and isn’t home until tomorrow.)
Anyway, having grandma here… her frailty became more apparent. I knew it was there, but I can see it more with her here all day. I am also the only person who ever sees her since mom is bedridden and dad is always with mom. So when grandma’s heat was fixed on Halloween, she didn’t seem to want to go home. It is a lot of effort for her to get dressed and even leave the house.
Having her stay a bit longer seemed fine. I figured she would probably go home before my husband was back from his business trip. But I’ve been kind of worried that grandma wouldn’t want to leave. At the same time, I’ve worried sending her home isn’t really in her best interest.
However, last week it was just her sleeping here. Me feeding her. Me calling my parents to say… grandma really shouldn’t be on her own anymore. And no one really knowing what to do with that reality.
Until she started feeling unwell.
I had to take grandma to the doctor earlier this week as she was in a bit of pain. Aside from helping with her troubles, the doctor let me know grandma only weighs 73 lbs! Which is a BMI for her of 14! She lost 27 lbs since last year. I was also assigned some personal care tasks post doctor visit… It it the kind of stuff you might do for a baby, but don’t really want to do for your grandma.
I am feeling really overwhelmed by the whole thing.
So I have suddenly gone from having an overnight guest who has overstayed, to being a caregiver. And I don’t know if this is temporary or long term. While I think grandma is realizing home isn’t the best for her, I do not think she is ready or wanting to live in a facility.
Her ideal situation would probably be living here with some kind of nurse/caregivers coming around. Selfishly… I don’t think her ideal situation is my ideal situation. But I don’t really know how to broach that, so am just playing things by ear for now.
It's clear that Grandma cannot be on her own anymore, she gets my admiration for being independent as long as she had and at 99! I think you made a well reasoned call, not as much as you had any choice, becoming her immediate Caregiver and as her advocate @dfinney. Going to Care facility may be overwhelming to her. I hope you find better assisted living options soon that are more suited for your grandma.
Thanks Kerris. We have a social worker coming over today. I am sick to my stomach nervous and I don’t even know why. I am hoping she can at least tell us all of our options and help with the best path forward.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know I'll have to at some point with my parents. You're doing the right thing by being there for her, especially when nobody else can.
It's a really tough situation. I wish I knew what to say to you but I have no idea.
All the best.
Wow... 99. I can only hope that's in the cards for me. But yeah, that's a rough situation. I don't have any suggestion. You know your situation much better than me. Just good luck in playing it by ear. I can imagine how tough it must be for you.
I totally feel you... and that is tough.
My grandma died when she was 101 years old in the middle of COVID pandemic, but it wasn't a COVID death, at least to our knowledge. Her brain started to deteriorate in her early 80's. She got to a time when she couldn't recognize even my father(her son). It was bad, she couldn't feed by herself. I thought a lot during this period if was it worth to be alive through this period of time from her perspective. Anyways, we as people who care about our family need to invest time and effort both emotional and physical to help relatives that sometimes, like in your case, it is only you! In our case at least there were 3 children (my father, an uncle, and an aunt) and a grandchild if needed. Like you finished the post with this amazing picture, in the end, we keep the good memories forever, and that's what matters.
Ohhhh dear I can imagine how it feels like to watch your once vibrant grandma become frail, it’s so tough and I know for a fact that you’ll get through this.
You can get a nurse to attend to her at your home then the burden wouldn’t be that much.
Thank you for your encouragement! 💕
@dfinney...
Hello, dear soul. I was playing catchup on my curation account. But I had to change hats... and stop by to say hello. This post is very close to my heart you see. My mother's life partner passed away in April of this year. Mom will be 77 this coming year, and as I looked at your post... I kept saying... yep... yep... that too. When my fiance and I went up to help Mom (she lives in Indiana... we are in Missouri) she fell and broke her hip. Then once she was in the Physical Therapy Facility... she fell and broke her hip... again. Despite all that. We have been slowly working with her Attorney (everything is in a Trust Fund created by her partner) to get her back home with us to Missouri. Her partner had two kids... but he left her somewhat taken care of. All of this to chime in...
Very true... Of course, this takes a toll on all of us. Nothing to do with not loving our family. Stress gets us all. But I just wanted to say hello... It has been a few since we touched base. Also... you know how I am. When I see content that needs to get some love... I make a point to try and do so. Certainly hope you are having a good weekend... Remember how much you are loved...
Wes...
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Hope you find a solution that works for you both ❤️🩹
I feel your pain. While my mom isn’t 99 yet. She’s got issues that need daily attending to. It’s not the same as your situation, but I am completely alone doing it. I’m busy as fuck working and my phone won’t stop ringing with more work. My daughter still feels like shit, she’s constantly fighting with her mom. By the end of the day I can barely walk, but still have all my shit plus mom’s shit to do. I need a coma.
It sucks not having enough support. For you the caregiver. For the person ailing. Like I am equally stressed about how this is upending my day to day but then also so upset and worried for grandma cause i don’t want her to feel scared or abandoned or alone. And then I am sad because the compounding of mom’s situation and grandma… I worry they both are physically incapable of being able to see each other again just because of neither being able to navigate a staircase. I have been crying pretty much every day for almost 3 weeks.
That really sucks. I’m sorry Dfinn. But you are doing the right thing.
That’s so very difficult @dfinney…….
 Being a caregiver, can take its toll on you!😮
99 years old, and an only child…….
Maybe being an only child has more benefits and we realize!🤗
I am also an only child, and 99 years old sounds good to me!😀
Take it one day at a time!😇
I used to think I wanted to live that long… but it is really only possible to that with dignity if you have money, a big supportive family and your health. And even then it seems really really hard. I would be happy to live an active healthy life to like 90 and then drop dead from something like an aneurysm. No lingering.
It definitely takes a supportive family for sure…….😮
When my mom had cancer, she moved in with us. Liz took care of her……….🥰
Dealing with aged relatives is so difficult if you are on your own!🙄
Oh I feel for you @silvertop, your grandma with dementia from age ~80 to 101. That is a LONG TIME to have memory impairment, etc. My dad lingered with it until age 89, and Mom (at 86) took care of him at home until the final months.
I think we'd all rather die suddenly before we get to that point. You are right. It takes MONEY and FAMILY SUPPORT to be able to die with dignity.
Oh, wow, @dfinney !
I do not know what to say except that I will pray that you will be able to figure out what is best for the situation.
!LUV
Thank you for the prayers you always send my family’s way. 💕
It is tough when things change and not necessarily the way you might would have envisioned them. Cherish this time, though. She won't be around forever. My Grandmother lived to be 100 years and 5 months old. Although I wasn't involved in caring for her towards the end, I do regret not really talking with her about her life and how things were. There was so much she'd seen in her lifetime.
Things will work out. Just remember to breathe! Take care @dfinney! 🤗💜
100 years and 5 months! Amazing. So much change in that length of lifetime. Having grandma here has been nice in a lot of ways. I can tell she feels safe here and loved. And really the is the most continuous time we have ever spent together.
It is precious for sure! Enjoy and have a wonderful weekend!🤗💜
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Hi @dfinney i saw this post way to late but when Wes showed it I needed to Read. The fact that she was with you must be special to here because your mum at the moment was not able to. I hope the time that was left while she is under your wings and that you made memories. Hard yes now that she is with your grandfather
Irreplaceable no. Time was running out and she needed you. I pray for strength and say I take my hat of to you.