I opened up a conversation with someone I've never spoken to previously with a mind to open a dialogue and hopefully give them a little direction considering the path they'd found themselves upon (by their own doing) leads to nowhere productive for them. It didn't go so well as the person seemed somewhat obstinate, defensive and self-righteous. It was at that point I called an end to it and moved on because I haven't got time to waste however I was left considering the many conversations I've had in person, on the phone, email, and of course here on Hive - which is where the above "conversation" took place.
I've not communicated (conversed) perfectly all of the time and believe no one has despite what they may say, however I'm pretty good at it because I've learned how through trial and error, reading and through formal training in the ways of verbal and body language communication; I'm also quite friendly, open, knowledgeable and worldly in many ways which helps. With these thoughts in mind, and the disjointed and failed "conversation" as above, I thought I'd list a few points I've learned that I've used to good effect.
- Be vigilant for signs the person/people you're conversing with are bored; this is usually not conveyed through words but their body language. Have some strategies to engage better, ask open questions to get them involved and if you're talking too much, stop it.
- Don't belabour a point or topic of conversation, you'll lose the listener.
- Be open and engaged with your body language and words, let others know that you have genuine interest in them and what they have to say. This can be as simple as leaning in slightly as a sign you're very interested or a phrase like, "hmm, tell me more." (Said genuinely of course.)
- Be the first to say hello and use a genuine smile and open body language. People these days seem to live within their own world but getting a little social (in the right situations and manner of course) can help you really stand out and grab attention.
- Don't forget people's names, it's important to them. If you do forget don't be afraid to ask or confirm, it's respectful and they will appreciate it. Also, use people's names, not excessively though, that's a recipe for disaster.
- Keep up to date about what's happening around the place which can help conversation flow better; you don't need to be an expert, just know a thing or two. Most people are happy to talk about themselves so if all else fails have some dialogues to get them talking. (That means ask open ended questions, not ones they can say yes or no to.
- Compliment others but make sure it's genuine and appropriate. Telling a girl you just met, "dayum girl, your body is bangin" might not be the best thing to say.
- Make sure you listen to them. I don't mean listen whilst forming your next dialogue or response in your head either, listen to hear them. So many get this very simple element so wrong.
- Seek and expand on common interests, thoughts and opinions and try to avoid controversial topics - This is especially important if meeting and talking with people for the first time or those you do not know well. Stay in a safe zone and build rapport. Telling them their opinion is wrong or trying to prove them wrong won't endear you to them.
- Also, you don't always have to be right, in fact, you're never always right. It's ok for other people to be wrong, or think fervently that they are right, just don't be that person.
- Don't try to be the smartest person in the room, you are almost certainly not. Just because people listen to what you're saying with minimal response doesn't mean they're engaged; they could be simply tolerating you and seeking a way to exit the situation. Listen 70 percent of the time and talk 30 percent and don't be egotistical. Let others portray themselves as the expert if that's their thing.
- Keep eye contact about 60 percent of the time or there abouts. 100 percent eye contact is unnerving and not enough means you're disengaged. And, make sure you're not looking at her boobs (or his dick). This, of course, is situational; when two people are into each other eyes drop to different parts of the body, it's normal, but that will be accompanied with a whole gamut of other body language. In a business meeting though...nope, don't do it, you'll appear creepy, disingenuous and unprofessional and you'll not be well-received.
- Have a sense of humour and smile...obviously this needs to be done at the right moments and appropriately.
- Practice different conversation starters and follow-ups as well. A prepared person is better at a thing than an unprepared one. It's not dumb, all good communicators do it until it becomes a habit.
Ok, I wrote more than I had planned.
Communication (conversation) is important and those who do it well stand out. There's specific times and situations in which different conversational techniques should be used like the office, court room, hospital, socially, with strangers, family and so on and knowing what to do and how to do it in each situation isn't difficult, it just takes some effort and a little prior thought. We aren't all great at it but we can improve and I think that's important when good conversationalists are becoming the exception rather than the rule. Also, I believe one needs to be as good a conversationalist at the initial stages of a relationship as much later; it shouldn't degrade through familiarity.
What are your thoughts on how you personally communicate (converse) with others and do you feel you're good at it or bad; either way, why is it so and how do you think you could improve? Do you understand much about body language and how important it is to communication? It actually forms over 60 percent of communication, overt gestures and expressions and micro-facial expressions as well so knowing how to read those and use your own can help make a person much better at communication and conversation.
Feel free to comment below, I'll get back to you.
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I've been told more than once that I'm a good listener..I kid you not, but I do have a genuine interest in people and I've read The Naked Ape:) If I see someone's eyes glaze over while I'm speaking, I stop mid-sentence to confirm I've lost them, and I invariably have. We give far more away with our body language than we realise and if you're busy forming your next sentence while I'm still finishing mine, believe me, I'll know!
P.S. Thanks for all those notifications I found piled up in my box this morning. Your sweetness is beyond measure:)
I've been told the same but I know I've also not been at times; that's just me being human I guess. As for the glaze, tuning out or listening to respond, I agree with you that it's easy to spot. Stopping mid sentence is a good method, probably much better than the open handed slap to the head I usually deliver. (Just kidding of course...or am I?)
Thank you for notifying me you'd received the notifications notifying you that I'd noted your content and acted accordingly. It's notifications like yours that notify me that my noticing your content is indeed worth my notice and I look forward to more notifications coming your way based on my noticing of your content.
I think that means, you're welcome. Lol.
Eh, um, I agree entirely... I think.
When enough cups of coffee have been drank, I believe my communication is fair. It should be much better with the leadership and communication classes and training received. Practical application seems to be the only way to improve in my small crayon stained mind. As far as reading body language, again, I think I am fair at it, but probably rather poor at controlling my own body language during a conversation. Either way, I have much room for improvement in the area of communication and conversing with others.
Grunting doesn't count (usually) so coffee helps one avoid that method, I get it.
I think communication (the methods) is an ever-evolving thing as words and life-situations change, also behaviours and what's acceptable and unacceptable in society. I like the topic of communication and see it as a challenge to stay relevant and upskilled in it.
Also, I've not eaten crayons like you have but I heard the red ones are pretty tasty. Please confirm.
I hope you're well man, keep on keeping on.
Red with a side of green is the bomb.
It is interesting you mention what is acceptable and unacceptable in society. Do you feel there has been a major change in that over the last 20 years or so? It seems like it to me. Its like I became a walking politically incorrect artifact overnight.
Ah yes, a combination, I should have known. I'll give it a crack and let you know.
Indeed, the last 20 years have brought great change and I'm not sure if it's for the better. Political correctness is off the chain, people identifying as cats and ponies, men wanting to wear dresses, mixed gender bathrooms, decline of manners and any care factor for one's personal future, the fear of mission out ethos...so much more. It's nuts. In 20 years from now imagine what it'll be like. I'll be dead so I want care.
You have made some excellent and very appropriate points for initiating and conducting conversations with others. I think I need to learn more about sign language, some things I know but not much. I tend to communicate quite well, although when I don't know a person some conversation starters may fail. It's a question of continuing to learn.
I thought you might agree with some of what I've written.
Body language says so much more than words and rarely lies. I could say, "it's really good to have your comment on my post," but if my arms were folded, my body slightly turned away from you and I was not looking at you would you feel it was genuine? No is the answer. There's hundreds of micro-expressions playing across our faces all the time during conversations and interactions and it's those which tell the true story. This is why there's no substitute for face to face communication.
When I studied graphology the graphologist technician taught me something, some postures and what they meant, for example the crossed feet in an interview, when the person is sitting or the crossed arms that means that he is not going to show himself as he really is... she gave me some tips and they have helped me.
Thanks for that detail.
I'm a good listener, but I often don't pay as much attention as I should. I don't notice obvious patterns or behaviors until it's too late. I'm also a bit of a brute, I'm somewhat hermetic Sometimes I have a hard time expressing my words, feelings as I should. only with people I trust a lot do I feel comfortable to talk to.
You and many others but if you're aware of it then I guess you could work towards an improvement.
On the other point, I think that's not uncommon and in the current society it pays to keep one's circle quite small and tight; trust is a precious thing so it's best not to give it away lightly. I wonder if you are actively looking to improve your listening skills and if so how are you doing that?
Your question leaves me speechless because if I say yes, I would be lying to you.
I try very hard to remember their names, even if I am unlikely to see them ever again, such as when seated at a table for a show. If you remember their name, they feel they had your attention. I say their name three times right then and there by saying "Nice to meet you Joe. I have found that if I repeat a name three times when I meet someone, Joe, that I will remember that name the next time we meet. So, Joe, enjoy the show."
I love that be the first person to say hello method. I am going to use that one.
I was taught to be wary of others, and I believe that puts people ill-at-ease. So now I try to feel joy when I meet and converse with just about anyone. We both enjoy the meeting much more, and I am better able to make eye contact.
I think you're on the right track with the name thing, just that alone will set you apart in the communication and will be remembered well. If you were to see that person down the track and remembered again I think they'd be impressed.
I liked your last lines; being wary is not a bad thing, but a smile and genuine greeting goes a long way.
In real world most of the time speak with only my mother and our favorite neighbor. I have not spoken with most of my ,,friends'' and classmates in years. I think that I can be a good listener(minus the fact that my memory is not great.)😛
Do you think you'd like to converse with others and if yes how do you think you would go doing it? If no, is there a reason?
I don't know. talking with other people seems very tiring(?) for me. But I would like to have a friend with benefits not just for sex but to talk about things like basketball or anime.
Speaking about basketball my favorite team failed to advance to playoffs in euroleague. All that is left is to play two games( one today) and finish a season. But at least we managed to extend a contract with our best player so maybe next season will be better.
Fair enough, although I think you'll have a much better chance of finding what you're looking for if you get out there and talk to some people, it's not going to materialise out of thin air. Also, referring to the person as a friend with benefits isn't going to help much either.
Too bad for that basketball team, it'll be interesting if they take their losing ways into the next season.
Hi @galenkp, it is very interesting the way you have dealt with the topic. Being a good conversationalist I think requires training for most people (myself included). The body also speaks and the information conveyed by the body should not be contradictory to what the words say. But there is one point you mention that few people point out, humor.
I am not going to be heavy in the explanation but basically paradoxes, surprises (and there is a lot of this in humor) well used can unblock situations by the mere fact that they short-circuit neural networks that work by “inertia” and allow the entry of new information. Here I leave this.
A smile disarms a person, if genuine, and humour can do the same. It has to be appropriate though, and not too corny or stupid, also used at precisely the right moment.
I totally agree. If I don't use it properly, the other person may think that I'm laughing at them or that I don't care what they think. Which is certainly not a good way to have a conversation.
Social queues have always been a bit of a struggle for me, so I can definitely relate to some of the things you mentioned above and probably not in a good way. It's not that I don't try, it's just that my mind works differently I think. It's not an excuse though and I definitely need to try harder.
A person has to be their genuine self, like a person who commented on this post who says they don't find people or topics interesting. That's certainly not someone I bother to waste any time with, but to them it's perfectly natural and acceptable. Just a difference of opinion and perspective.
Sometimes communication is less about one's self and more about the other person; most times actually, especially in social situations.
Yeah, that is a good point and probably a much healthier way to look at it. I am going to remember that. My wife tells me all the time "it's not all about you". :)
Wives always know best.
Communication, contrary to what many people think, is not a phenomenon that is easy to use when properly conceived.
There are various elements to consider in every communication process to avoid barriers that may arise and thus distort what is intended to be communicated or transmitted.
In the case of communication through text messages, it is much more complex because we ignore other elements that also communicate or reinforce what is being conveyed, such as gaze, gestures, tone of voice, pauses, silences, etc.
You share very good tips with us that will surely be helpful to many.
Greetings!
I agree with you. Good communication takes effort and some skill, it's not simply a matter of opening one's mouth and talking.
Thanks for commenting.
Umm I see well communication skills is one of the greatest thing a person should develop because everything even the business and relationship are been depend on your character and how you speak to other people. It's great you have shared a lot of thing which I was unknown about the communication skills thanks for sharing such type of content with us. Sir!!!
I'm always happy to pass on a little something that may help someone out there be a little better; that's how people improve you know?
Yeah after making the mistake and reading such type of post how person should talk and contact with people helps to improve.
When talking to strangers, I am mostly silent. When I understand the essence of what they want to tell me, in 95% of cases I am even more silent. I am a very friendly person, but most topics and people are not interesting to me.
Considering you don't find most topics or people interesting I'd say you're best not to talk to anyone as your disinterest will show, and not be well received.
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