Dealing with difficulties can be...wait for it...
Difficult.
Dealing with difficult people can be...fucken horrendous...But it doesn't have to be.
We've all had to deal with difficult people and have probable been difficult people to deal with as well. I've had my share of experience with them, it's just part of being human and, in my case, I've been in leadership roles most of my life and navigating the minefield that people's personalities can be has been challenging. I've picked up a trick or two though and I figured I'd share a couple of them, things that have made the process of dealing with difficult people easier for me and have created better outcomes.
Do not argue
This is arguably the most important - Being provoked into an argument is a ploy difficult people will use to destabilise you, diminish your confidence, manipulate or gaslight you. It's much better not to be drawn into an argument; the, "let's agree to disagree," phrase works sometimes, and sometimes it's best to simply acknowledge them (and their point of view). No matter what though, being drawn into an argument with a difficult person itching for an argument is a slippery slope.
Do not defend yourself
People want to be right and will often defend their "position" for that reason. Doing this with a difficult to deal with person is fraught with danger. They often use "logical arguments and strategically confrontational dialogues" to entangle a person and cause them to become defensive; it's a very poor position to be in. It doesn't diminish or invalidate your opinion or perspective if others don't agree with it and besides, *they're entitled to their own opinion just as you are. Getting into a defensive position will be used against you with great effect by a difficult to deal with person. If they think you're wrong that's ok and, keep in mind, you might actually be wrong! arguments.
Resist the urge to explain yourself
Difficult people are often very good at criticising other people's ideas, choices and decisions, opinions, ideals and perspectives leaving people feeling inclined to explain themselves, often in a bid to defuse the situation, however with difficult people it can pull one deeper into trouble and then the two points above can circle around and things become even worse. Explain one time, calmly and logically, then take the high road rather than dancing to the difficult person's music.
You don't need to justify, so don't
A difficult person, one who seeks to gain advantage or leverage through destabilising you, does not deserve justification but they'll want it and will goad you into giving it. Feeling like providing a reason for one's own opinions or choices gives them power and more to apply the other points above to, and the situation will go from bad to worse quickly. Confidently saying, "I am certain I have made the best choice," then shutting the fuck up is one phrase that can work however I usually don't go even that far.
There's four little tricks I've learned laid out in a very basic way; there's a lot more to them but I want to keep things simple. As always, when I write posts like this they come with a disclaimer; these concepts will not suit every situation or person however if remembered at the right time they can save a lot of hassle, heartache and complication. I think it's wise to undifficultise the difficulties one can find through dealing with difficult people. (And before you argue with me...I know undifficultise is not a word.)
As someone who has led teams of various kinds across a few different professions, and has been around the block more than a few times, I can attest to the effectiveness of these basic concepts and others like them in respect of dealing with difficult people, but how about you? Have you ever had to deal with a difficult person? Have you been, or are you currently, a difficult person? Feel free to tell a story, share some thoughts or opinions if you'd like.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
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While working in department store customer service for several months, I dealt with a great many difficult, rude, obnoxious people. At first it bothered me when they called me names or yelled in my face, told me how stupid I was. It didn't take long to figure out I needed a tougher exterior and a better way to deal with asses. The animated and helpful voice turned to a grey monotone and the welcoming eyes and smile turned into a stone mask. Argue, explain, defend, justify...these things I did at first. Then I turned hard and took no shit. That position didn't last long. It left me feeling less of the person I wanted to be.
There's something about retail and customer service that makes people turn into...well, I'm not sure, fucktards? I guess it's just that the people are like that regardless of the situation and their sense of entitlement brings it out more in a retail environment, or other such situations. It could also be a feeling of empowerment, like, the retail worker can't retaliate to the treatment so the customer feels more able to act as they please?
I don't like many people and keep my circle small for this reason, I don't want or need the complexity that comes with them, but I feel it's quite sad that people will lord over others with impunity in such basic situations as retail and other such customer service situations. People are dick heads.
I do believe you've hit the nail on the head. Same goes for when patrons are so shitty to serving staffing a restaurant. People sure are dick heads. I always hoped I would run across one of those folks stranded on the side of the road...could I leave them or not??
The sad fact for some is that because they get pushed around (by co-workers, boss, partner etc.) that they feel entitled to do the same to others for a momentary sense of empowerment. Of course, that moment is fleeting. It doesn't speak very highly of a person who acts in such ways.
I reckon, should you come across them, leave them...but then, at that point they might be polite and defferential. It's a hard one. Do we want to sink to their level or be the people we are naturally? Hmm. 🤔
Ah, this explains why we are friends, you know how to
wranglehandle difficult people.I am available to hire as a professional difficult person consultant.
Indeed, we are and you can be. Lol.
Available to hire? That sounds like a plan. I reckon you'd deal with difficult people in similar ways to how I do. We could start a business, People Wranglers, or something like that. I reckon it'd be a winner.
Now that you say it, it does sound like my dream job.
Being a dictator I mean.
We spoke about this before...just need to make it happen!
If the question doesn't come wrapped in curiosity, then it's a challenge and shouldn't be answered.
Indeed.
My father was without doubt the most difficult person I ever encountered. In all the years I knew him, I never heard that man answer a question. That was his thing. "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies", he used to say. Having dealt with him for so long I awarded myself a diploma in dealing with the impossible and have used many of the techniques you outline. I find that humour can work well in some situations. But then, I'm a bit of a clown.
Humour is a really good way to deal with people like this although it depends on the situation I guess; I've done it that way a lot and it's worked well though.
My dad was the opposite of yours it seems, open book, incredibly forthright. It infuriated me at times, he was so defferential and forgiving; probably why I'm somewhat...harder. Still, I probably paint myself in a bad light and the truth of it is I'm multifaceted I suppose.
Your father sounds like an angel. Though perhaps he was simply following Oscar Wilde's advice, “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so intensely.”
He was, the best man I knew/know, totally gentleman. You know, I never heard him swear once, not once. He was a good role model for sure, I just had my own experiences as well which led me to be a different person, with many of his traits as well. He was better than me though, in most ways.
It can be soooo hard to not try to start justifying yourself in the heat of arguing only to later think to yourself "Who cares what that person thinks of my opinions"
You're right, we all probably feel that way at some stage, or will. Resisting the urge is the best way to go of course.
Me I think I classify as a difficult person probably. Some interesting combination of not having the wit for realtime conversations and being unreasonably stubborn and also tending to lizard stare at people while I'm thinking and being very dismissive when I get annoyed with them x_x
Those are some good undifficultisers (also not a word), now if only I could remember to do them if I get roped into difficult conversations.
We can all be a little difficult at times, some more than others though. Unreasonably stubborn probably qualifies really well! 😂
Hi @galenkp, of course I have had experiences with difficult people, too many, I think. The advice you have given is very timely, I think it is basic. I would add a nuance that I think is implicit in the text, we don't have to take these situations personally, which can be difficult.
I think that sometimes we forget that difficult people are also trained people. That the situation they make us live through, they have already lived through hundreds or thousands of times before and that they have learned many effective strategies, discarded the less effective ones and refined those that are useful to them for their purposes.
That's a very good point, people take things so personally these days, probably due to the feeling of entitlement. It's best to stick with the facts, stay on track and not allow oneself to become emotionally entangled.
Your last point is also very relevant as I sort of alluded to in the post. Difficult people aren't bad people per se, sometimes it's their job function to be difficult, or make it difficult for others during negotiations. Trump with Zelensky the other day for instance.
Thank you. By the way, the example of Trump and Zelensky is very good.
I hope you have a great Wednesday.
Yep, people call Trump out as an idiot but he is very far from that; he says dumb things sometimes, but he's no idiot.
Those seem like some really effective methods to handle people who choose to be like that. I'm getting ready to read a book that I hope will give me some more ideas to put into practice. It's probably going to take me a while to read it however...
Picking up information from others, books, podcasts and general experiences will help a person proceed with greater confidence and effectiveness so well done for making the effort.
What a remarkable life has been lived, by anyone who can say "No!" to this question, @galenkp:
If they exist, not being one of those remarkable people myself, here is a quick bullet list of what I have found to be helpful:
While these doesn't eliminate the difficulties, it will almost certainly reduce them. Hopefully to a reasonably manageable level.
Good points for sure, there's many more too, and depending on the situation a person could/should use a combination of several strategies.
I have definitely dealt with difficult people and not only in jobs, but also in the family and I have seen that giving explanations does not help, what they do is to entangle the situation and turn it in their favour.
So those four points are excellent. On the other hand I don't like to argue and it makes no sense with a difficult person. We've all been difficult at times, but some people are difficult all the time. The best thing to do is not to play their game.
I good kick in the head is one way to deal with difficult people...but it's not always possible or prudent, so it makes sense to learn some other ways to deal with them huh?
It's a very good solution .... or a good punch haha I would need a very strong stick! But let's look for something else.
There is one more way to deal with, let such person to be the boss and ignore all their bull-shits. Many a times I encounter such person and rather than valuing their talks or agreeing with what they say, I simply say them "you are correct". Atleast it helps in keeping their mouth shut....
Ignoring their bullshit is pretty much what the points is doing, only in a slightly different manner.
Another way is to administer a karate chop to their head.
Lol....Wish that 'chop' could be so easy as it appears in words....😉
I know...there's always implications when one delivers a karate chop, one needs to weigh up whether those implications are worth the satisfaction of dropping the chop on someone's head. 🫲🏼
I agree with you about not arguing. I try as much not to get gaslight so I just walk away or play music to ease my tension to avoid getting tempted to argue
Walking away works, although in certain situations it's not possible, like in professional environments where communication has to happen. At those times it's best to have some skills.
That's true , then I will just go mute
You cannot win them in argument they will always give reasons to supper seed your own even when they are not making any meaning they shout you down pray not to come across them they are troublesome people all together 😂🤣
Supper seed...I assume you mean, supercede?
I think it's best to know how to deal with all types of people in many different ways,l; some may need a deft or light touch, others may need the head cut off with a blunt spoon. I tend to treat with people in ways commensurate with the situation, their treatment of me and their actions, and my code of honour and integrity as I see it.
Hahaha please don't cut off any ones head it has not gotten to that 🤣🤣 thanks for the correction