"There's danger up ahead." My heart tells me. It's been tossed like a rubber ball off walls, it's natural to be cautious.
"What makes you say this with such certainty?" My ever-pragmatic brain asks. It has calculated for every probable issue. The heart is a metaphorical twat swatter.
"It's dark ahead, brain. Surely, I don't need to tell you what happens in the dark?" My heart is desperate now, beating against its bone cage like escape is possible.
My mind only answers in the tired way one can when anxiety has taken root in the water pipes though. "And I don't need to tell you that it also happens in the light."
I disappeared from the world for several weeks recently. I'd found myself in the thick of depression; difficult life circumstances and the weight of the choices I've made sank my serotonin supply. I began to push situations I'd long thought I'd gotten over through the ole processor with fresh eyes. I gazed at my shadow, and it gazed back.
I've been a people pleaser my entire life. This tendency slowly formed the skeleton of my personality. I was two girls, one who is adventurous and outspoken, and one who constantly believes that something terrible will happen if I make even the most minor of mistakes.
The first girl is my true self, the voice in my head when my mind is still.
He always encouraged my creativity too though. He remarked that maybe my strong-willed nature was the cost of my ability to create. He laughed at my emotionally volatile outbursts in my teenage years, not questioning what would make a kid so damn angry. I felt unheard, so I didn't speak up.
There were many outside factors that my father was unaware of giving me absolutely awful messages. Unknowingly, he was playing in to them. The woes of raising a kid, eh? I don't fault him for it. I think everyone fucks their kids up somehow, no matter how hard we try not to.
What was ingrained in me was a people pleasing nature that was laden with anxiety. I felt that I was too much, I was told I was. Each interaction that harmed me became proof of some personal inadequacy, and I frantically tried to correct for it. My identity was self-doubt.
When we are told that our reactions are wrong constantly, the only thing we can do is learn to not react genuinely. My 30's have largely been about unlearning that terrible life lesson so far.
I once set the perception others carried of me over my own contentment. I pushed myself to exhaustion, I set aside my own desires. It took a lot for me to overcome that, and of course it is an ongoing practice. I've learned that it is only me who must live my life, to reap what is sewn in action.
I've found peace in seeking what I truly need, even if it does not make sense to others. I've spent too much of my life basing decisions on the paths that are well-worn, the ones others encourage you to walk... As I trekked, I learned how utterly not for me that really is.
These lessons haven't come easily, and I'm not the only one who has been hurt in the process. Although the purpose of this blog is to talk about my ongoing shadow work... it would be remiss of me not to mention how my journey for personal growth has impacted others. Unfortunately, people pleasing is only a camouflaged disservice in the end.
Or perhaps I should say that life aggressively told me that years ago. Maybe I could talk about how my discomfort in society nearly drove me mad half a decade ago, or how I stuffed those feelings into a far corner of my brain.
I gaslit myself, like I was taught to. I lashed the vibrant parts of myself with the notion that my dreams were impossible. Feats I now know folks do every day. I told myself there was safety in things that ended up gutting me. I lied my ass off, and I believed me.
Recently, I sold or donated most of my belongings. I made a co-parenting plan so that I could be not just a mother, but a happy mother. I stuffed one suitcase full of the things I feel are essential, and I flew across the world. Social media says my general location is the starting point of WW3, this is parroted by everyone I speak to. I tend to feel this it is not the situation.
Yes, I am firmly planted between Iran and Israel right now in lovely Amman Jordan. With rising tensions in the area, it is fully probable that I will experience some things that are frightening, potentially even deadly. Should this stop me from following my heart though?
I've taken the chance of dying each time I've gotten onto the highway in substance laden Cleveland Ohio. You have a 1-in-5000 chance of dying in a car crash each time the wheels start spinning. Yet, everyone agrees that driving is fine, so I've done it as much as the next person. When did I begin valuing the opinions of the general zombified population over my own instincts?
I will die on the day I am meant to, until then I will live my life to the fullest. I'll explore, force myself to ignore anxiety and speculation. I'll prioritize passion and love and inspiration. That is what brought me here, after all. I fell in love with a man that I met on this very blogging platform roughly two years ago, and now I lay my head next to his at night.
That's another thing everyone told me not to do. According to the rules that people have decided govern them, online relationships rarely go well. Chances are, you'll go off to meet them and find that the person in front of you is nothing like the one on your phone screen.
My gut knew otherwise, and it was correct. I walked out of the airport to see the man I love, and everything was exactly as it always has been, just a whole lot cooler. Real recognizes real, and @yaziris is the most genuine person I've ever met. We drove off from the airport and settled into being together as if we'd gone home together 1000 times, but that is a story for another time.
Between statistics, instinct, and the batshit way people drive here, I truly feel that I was more likely to die during the ride than living in this city. I'm going to keep trusting myself, as joy grows in all of the cracks left from the times before. The fear within me no longer governs me.
It brought tears to my eyes. One day I wish to meet you two, love @yaziris as an elder brother. And it was so good to see you two are finally together. Words fail me here but all I can say is I am really happy for both of you.
Awe shucks Prav! Maybe someday we will go on a double date hehe 💚
And FINALLY is dang right, it took a lot of time and tactics to make it happen, but I'd do it 1000 times over if I had to
We're sending you love from Jordan 🤗
This is quite moving...
I've been wondering where you've been, sorry about the dark times and I'm glad, happy and a bit worried about your current destination.😂😂
Regardless I am overjoyed to hear from you once again.
I am proud that you moved past the depressive episode (even if by chance you're not completely over it.) for moving is all that matters.
In matters of life, depression, love, feelings and relationships, many people tend to fuss over how they start or finish and the preparations of getting ready.
The first step is important yes, it sometimes could define the end point, but the most important step is the next step.
The next step is indeed what makes the future. No matter how you start, how you continue defines how you'll end.
Seems you're next step is in Amman, make it a wonderful one, and if it doesn't go as planned, just take another step, if something brings you down make that next step again.
I'll be here, waiting for updates, stories posts and hopefully lots more pictures of all the steps you're willing to share✨
Heya Seki!
It seems I have a habit of disappearing for several weeks then coming back; this time I am hoping I can make myself consistently post, I miss writing here a lot!
Thank you for the well wishes, both for my journey here in the middle east and for my mental health!
Just wait till I go to Syria 🤣
This is very well said, love it!
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Thank you Prav and India United! 💚
I am really happy for you 🥺✨ I dropped a few tears for the hope for you and I hope this fairytale will become the best version itself. You know the happiest for you and I think you did it well. Us, women, can do anything right? Especially if it is for our love.
Damn right! I'd fight a grizzly bear with only a spoon as a weapon just to kiss Yaz's lips 😌💞 hehe
Thank you so much for the love and well wishes Bemier, it does indeed feel like a fairytale come true
HUGE HUGS!!!!
Huge Hugs back at ya Momma Bear 🤗
I'm always searching for light, and I found it here:)
Best wishes to the pair of you 💞
Shucks, that made me smile 💗 Thank you Milly 🤗🤗🤗
This is so incredible, @grindan. I'm so happy for you! What a lovely, amazing thing. And you ended up with one of my favorite people in the world. I couldn't be happier!!!
Shucks, thank you Jayna! It's crazy to think that we got to know each other in The Ink Well, and now we are here building a life together 😍 BLISS! Big hugs your way 🤗