Yesterday, an acquaintance told me about what was on her mind these days. She seems troubled by the behavior of her boyfriend. She didn't express any desire to break up with him but as I listened to her describe the situation, I recognized a lot of his behavioral patterns and thought she might be better off being very direct and setting some boundaries with him.
The problem isn't just his alone, it's cultural, and by that, I don't mean related to Japanese culture. It's the culture of social people, specifically drinking culture internationally, and more specifically, the drinking culture of students and people who aren't that invested in their work.
Every night he goes out with friends. He invites her, but she can't keep up with him and only joins him 2 or 3 nights a week. He will drink until 9 AM in the morning with them, and then the next day say "I wish I hadn't done that, it's a waste of time", and then he'll do the very same thing again.
It's not that he wants to stay out all night, it's that the people he likes are there and he doesn't know how to say no to them.
He will plan on going home at midnight, but then a bunch of friends push him to go on to the next place for more drinks, and since he doesn't want to be the only one to go home early, he says "OK, one more hour" which usually turns into 3. Then when everyone is drunk they are even more clingy and persuasive about staying out.
He says he wants to be full time artist, but from what I hear he isn't really doing a whole lot to achieve that. He books events but then he's so hungover and tired for them that he dreads them when they are coming up. He seems far more interested in socializing then doing anything.
Listening to her story, I'm reminded of my late teens and early 20's. I had so many dreams and was doing very little work to achieve them. I wanted to create things so bad, but all I could bring myself to do was talk about how much I wanted to do those things.
I didn't stay out when I had work the next day, but basically all of my time was spent working/studying or playing. I didn't have reflective time. I didn't have a chance to really sit back and enjoy the moment. Most importantly, I didn't make any time or space to work on myself and my projects.
It wasn't that I had a great time every single night. I guess you could say I had a good time around a third of the time. At the time, I can remember just not wanting to be home so bad, not wanting to be alone.
The real issue was that I was running from something.
My dreams felt big. Too big. I looked at my favorite songwriters and wanted to be able to make songs like them. I wanted to speak more languages. I wanted to collaborate with brilliant people. But I didn't feel brilliant. I had an inkling that under some conditions I was capable of writing great songs, but to write songs as well as them felt...well...impossible. "Maybe some day, after I'm way way way better than I am right now"
Then there was the issue of how to achieve these goals and make a living in the process. I knew just how hard it was to earn a living as a musician or a writer because I knew lots of them. They were all struggling in some way or another, and most had issues with money, relationships and addiction.
This is not to say that artists have these issues more than other people, but that their dreams are bigger and so these issues become more detrimental to achieving what they aim to achieve.
I had lots of goals but none of them felt realistic. They were all long term goals. On top of that, I had lots of relationships built around a lack mentality and fueled by addiction. We were addicted to each others company. We didn't necessarily have any deep sense of appreciation for each other, although we may have liked each other.
We didn't know how to appreciate anything because we were constantly in a state of victimhood. "Why is it so damn hard!" "Why does rent cost so much?" "Why can't work be more fun?" "Why don't more people come to my show?"
But even more than that, there were all kinds of things we talked and thought about that weren't relevant to us at all. Non-consequential political debates. Gossip and rumors. Complaining about things that we had no control over, or that we'd rather complain about than do anything about.
I was easily swayed by friends to do things I didn't want to do because I felt that I would make them unhappy if I didn't do things their way, and I didn't want to lose them or to upset them.
Looking back on it now, I think it's silly that anyone would have disliked or created distance with me or stopped wanting to hang out with me because I was sleepy and wanted to go home. I find it silly that we would travel together and go absolutely everywhere together, instead of splitting up half the time to go do what we really want to do. I find it ridiculous that I could spend 5 days a week talking to the same people about the same things without making any progress on anything.
I still have friends who engage in that kind of behavior, and in some cases, we are more distant that we might be if I were to join them every night. But that's perfect. I don't need to kill 2 hours a night with you. I have shit to do.
I'm building. I'm growing. I'm evolving. I'm creating. I'm sharing stuff. I like you, but let's talk when we have something to talk about, and if that is too hard for you, then I guess you didn't really like me to begin with, you just wanted someone to give you attention so you can distract yourself from your own shit.
I look at the people I get along with the most and the people I respect the most and they all have a habit of creating healthy boundaries. They care how others feel but they don't sacrifice their own happiness in order to please the lack based insecurities of their friends. They know when they need to say no for their own well-being and their own state of mind. They'll try to help whenever they can, but not to their own detriment. They also don't demand that anyone else sacrifices their own well-being for them.
A relationship where you need to sacrifice your happiness for someone else is toxic. Of course if they are kids or dependents there is an extra layer of complexity to it, but ideally, we should be having kids when we are ready to sacrifice much of our free time and energy for the sake of someone else. Ideally we should be agreeing to take care of family members once we can afford to. With friends there really is no excuse.
Anyone asking you to do something you don't want to do, especially anyone who insists on it, won't actually be happy when they convince you. They don't know how to be happy. They are in a state of lack. They don't know how to love deeply. Their love is equal to dependence. It doesn't mean they are hopeless and need to be abandoned at all costs. It means you need to set boundaries.
Once you set boundaries, the ball is in their court and it's really just a matter of whether they can find that true like or love or appreciation within themselves to keep you around. You need to be ok with that, otherwise you aren't really liking or loving or appreciating them either. If they don't want to keep you around because you don't sacrifice your own comfort for them, it's not saying anything about you, it's saying something about them.
Compromises can be made, "I'll with you to an amusement park even though it's not my thing because you went with me to the concert even though it's not your thing" but both ends of this bargain can be made willingly and without regret, with a desire to make the other person happy, without any conditions or punishments if you don't agree to join them.
Healthy boundaries look like sticking to your plan when you feel it's the best thing for you. If you tell your friends you need to go home at 9 PM, go home at 9 PM, unless you really change your mind and truly feel it's more important to stay out with them. Don't drink when you don't want to drink. Don't go places you don't enjoy unless it's occasionally and the person you go with is really worth it to you.
Don't lend money you don't feel comfortable lending. Don't give time you don't want to give. Don't do favors you don't feel like doing.
It may sound cold and uncaring, but if you give yourself enough space to follow your own rhythm, you start to find enjoyment for some of these things, and THEN you can really make a difference in peoples lives.
This kind of change in behavior towards other people can lead to all kinds of drama and misunderstandings, so it's important to communicate the why and how of it. If you can avoid getting triggered by their response and continue to express that you care about them, then eventually they either calm down and learn to respect your boundaries, or they'll disappear and you are probably better off.
A friend was bringing me down with his complaining and political debates all the time so I told him "Yo, I care about your bro, and I like spending time with you, but I feel like shit when we talk about this. If you can't change the topic, I'm gonna hang out with you less, and I don't want to hang out with you less, but the ball is in your court. Please don't pull me into these debates anymore, at least not this much."
We had an argument and were a little awkward for a week and we've been really really good ever since.
I said the same thing to a dude who would objectify women constantly. I said "Hey, it's fun talking about who we are into and what we are into and our experiences and all that and you can make jokes, but stop talking to me about women as if they aren't human and don't deserve respect. I don't like the lying and manipulation and verbal abuse. I don't want to hear it. It's dumb AF."
That guy disappeared from my life soon after and I became better for it.
I had friends who used to pressure me to drink and I started saying no more firmly. Some stuck around and some didn't. I found new friends who drink and understand I don't want to drink as much as them or go out as much as them and we are still close.
The point is, setting the right boundaries makes it easier to manage your life and figure out what motivates you. From there you can make better decisions and slowly improve your overall mindset and habits. It also makes you more genuine and carry less resentment towards other people. It gives you more power over your own life.
As for dreams and goals, I’ve found it much much more effective to focus on meaningful short term goals and treat the long term goals just as a general direction to move in. It’s impossible to feel inspired or motivated when you are working towards something that feels impossible or unlikely.
I wish I could say all this to my acquaintances boyfriend, but I haven't met him, so I tried to say it all to her, and hopefully she can start introducing these ideas to him as she starts respecting her own boundaries and leading him by example.
Novels/music/merch/social media/patreon:
https://linktr.ee/selfhelp4trolls
Untangled Knots podcast:
Japanese Upbringing Explained (interview my Japanese student)
Join us in the Deep shitdiscord channel to talk about deep shit, art and cultute differences
Confessions of the Damaged 1.1-1.3 on Amazont
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
Yo this is some deep shit, man. Real talk.
It’s really difficult to set and stand on your grounds on boundaries around here, especially with family, people you’ve been friends with for a very long time or people you grew up being friends with. That level of closeness makes people feel like your love for them should be without boundaries and that you’ll tolerate or overlook anything for them. And if you’re plagued with the unfortunate habit of people pleasing, you really will succumb to it. I think this is why people in their late teens and early 20s are the victimized when it comes to these boundary setting conflicts - because they want to fit in and be accepted. You care less about that the older you get, so you’re able to be more unapologetic about your boundaries.
What I’ve learnt about boundary setting mostly is that once you set boundaries, you shouldn’t cross them yourself or that defeats the whole purpose of that being a boundary. I’ve seen a couple of times people defining a boundary and being the ones to push it down themselves again. Or in some cases, people who set boundaries have double standards. I’ve seen people say they don’t want to be talked to in a certain way, and turn around to dish that tall out to you and that makes no sense to me.
I’ve been feeling imposter syndrome a lot lately myself with some of the things I want to accomplish. I know I’m capable of anything I put my mind to, but sometimes I just feel like I’m not as good as I think I am.
What advise would you give your younger self about this?
Forgive me for butting in ;<)
Keep dreaming big but don't just dream... Start 'doing' / creating (more) and forgive yourself for the crap that comes out at first. All so-called ''greats" started small. Also you don't need to become legendary, the main thing is to do things you enjoy and to do them a lot ;<)
Doing is the problem. Sometimes you wait too long for the perfect opportunity to “do” because you don’t want to mess up your first opportunity and not get another one. But I feel you. Thanks for the words, ninja:)
funny, after reel reading my post I realized I should address that. Then you asked. I’ll add this in after:
You are totally right about the hypocrites. I grew up with a lot of them and I have seen and heard many of them before I started filtering my attention better.
While there are some benefits to staying connected, I think that’s the big negative point to staying closest with older friends as opposed to newer ones, they become too accustomed to you being a certain way and don’t really give you as much room to change. They may try everything they can to keep you the same because they don’t wanna lose you or have to change themselves.
This is one big reason I left my home country and why I constantly make new friends, although now I’m trying to really cherish and make more of an effort with the friends who encourage me to grow and change.
I’ve seen many people talk about this in so many different ways. It’s sad how it is true. Your very old and closest friends are the ones that least want you to change even if it’s for the better.
Okay this makes a lot of sense. I’m going to try to apply this moving forward. Thanks, man.
Interestingly enough setting boundaries is one of the skills that I have been practicing more and more nowadays. In fact, I discussed the topic with @clareartista recently. It now feels more important than ever.
So much I can relate to here. I feel many of us (have) go(ne) through a similar process, it's just that some are more aware of it than others.
I remember it myself. When I was a university student, I could not refuse the invitations of my friends, and after I started working, I could not refuse the invitations of my bosses and colleagues. At the workplace where I worked until a few years ago, I got sick because I had to listen to senior employees complaining endlessly.
I wonder what that time was, if it was of any use, and if I could have done something more meaningful for myself with that much time... I think.
I don't think anything is truly wasted because we can always learn from our mistakes. 100 mistakes will only make our motivation to fix things stronger.
The question I would ask is...what would have been the consequence if I hadn't done that, and could I have avoided those consequences while still protecting my own rhythm?
I think a lot of the things we are scared of might occur just because we are so scared of them. Like fear of creating an awkward situation is the best way to ensure it's an awkward situation!
Setting thè boundaries is actually very necessary in any kind of relationship . I don’t believe ỉn relationship where partner just want full dominance, doesn’t care for sentiments and feelings of other and just consider it as a stuff available to him/her all the time whatever he does.
A true relationship is where someone cherishes each moment of partner,does what righteous his/her partn asks to do and spends quality time.
I have seen many relationships where people are just together without possessing any sentiment for each other even. I have seen such relationships too whera à partner even grinds his/her self respect and pleasure to please his/her partner but what does thát relationship means which asks you to kill inner side of you.
Relationship was actually being support of each other but in some cases it is exploiting love and soft nature of other.
I can just pray good for your friend.
Your words were really delving the reality of such relationships which are cumbersome and much source of motivation too for those who should set their boundaries first.
If someone can’t love his self,he can’t love others too
Self love and self respect should be our proportion
One of my students today told me he can't meet his friends more than once a month because his wife will be jealous ...I wanted to show him this article and your comment :-P but he seemed to think it was totally fine and normal. I feel he doesn't have energy for himself though.
This is actually the reality of most youth out there. I really don’t know if we are running away from our dreams because we think they’re too big for us or we just lack discipline and fall under peer pressure most of the time.
We all have bad habits and it’s obvious we are bound to make mistakes sometimes but a mistake that keeps happening every blessed day isn’t fit to be called a mistake anymore.
Thank your for sharing this amazing piece. 🙃
maybe it’s because we learn from a generation who grew up in a world without the internet and all the systems and customs haven’t caught up with such massive cultural whiplash. We live in a time where everything is possible but nothing is easy or straightforward. It’s not like the old time when hard work led to the greatest chance of success. There doesn’t seem to be a formula. It’s really confusing
Also I think our parents generations have a lot of over complicated emotions mixed up in their love and we learn that and it makes it very hard to love ourselves. Not completely their fault, but we gotta learn anyway.
Thank you for stopping by 😃
As they say in my country, it’s not about who works hard but it’s about who is more connected. Those who work hard will still be struggling to make it in life while the connected ones are already comfortable in life with little or no effort. Life is just different today but in all we have to make the best of it.
Our parents need to understand that times have changed and everything is different now. Most people are depressed out there because of how fucked up their families are. To some extent , some families come off as toxic because they fail to let go of their outdated ‘traditions’ as they call it.😂
Boundaries are a make or break thing. People who are used to bulldozing them will vanish from your life once you start enforcing them. You're better off without them I think.
It's a never ending downward spiral if you let people overstep them because then they've set a precedent and will conclude that you'll eventually cave. The only person that loses when that happens is you. You feel like shit because your boundaries haven't been respected and you feel doubly shit because you didn't stand up for yourself.
Right! I'm surprised at how many people think that's how a friendship should be. It feels like they are just fighting to see who get more out of each other through manipulation and force. Of course nobody in that situation sees that, you can only see that from outside the relationship. My friendships have no expectations except that the other person will behave with integrity, there is no minimum quote of time we need to spend together and I am free to reject any request, as are they..
Sad reality. For most people, setting boundaries can be dreadful until they find out it's the only way to go if they want a healthier life and relationships. Some would say yes to another because they feel saying no would hurt them and like you said, sacrifice their own peace and happiness. Hope your friend will be able to set hers even when the person concerned is her boyfriend.
She is certainly better at it than he is, but I guess if she gets better at it maybe he could learn a thing or two. Or it's possible he will just take offense to her not wanting to please his whims. He calls her at 6 AM because he wants to say goodnight although she's been asleep for 4 hours. I can easily imagine that if she doesn't answer the phone, he might become closer with his female friends....Seen that kind of situation before. But if that does happen, she doesn't need this guy.
It's nice that he still remembers to say good night but oh man, that's really a tough situation to be in and I agree with you, she definitely doesn't need him if that happens or if he doesn't change his ways. She'd be better off alone than spend her life with someone who can't grow up.