I was talking to the friend who was visiting me on the weekend today and I made a bit of a potential discovery about why I am such an asshole. I was saying I was difficult to live with and as we were discussing pasts, I started running through why I might be "the way I am" due to my childhood. Because from a young age, I was pretty much left to my own devices with little guidance from my parents. Not only that, I also didn't have a peer reference group in primary school, because I was excluded due to being the wrong color.
Don't worry, this isn't a making excuses post.
However, what this meant was that I couldn't rely on people to be there for me or give advice. Not only that, I didn't really have any natural role models to copy. Instead, I spent a lot of the time alone, reading or more often than not, observing people from a distance, as they interacted with others. Also, I got a lot of experience as to how people treat those they do not like, something that has been invaluable (another post sometime) for me in my understanding of the mind, cultural patterns and people's behavior.
But, the realization came in the fact that due to this lack of quality people around me, I had to make my own decisions. While looking after myself made me independent, it also meant that I was in somewhat of an echo chamber, always being right, because there was no one present to prove me wrong, or discuss how I might be missing part of the story. My argumentative style (IRL) reflects this heavily and I am frustrating to talk with when there is disagreement, because I will argue hard and, I am (used to be) pretty good at it.
However, it also can put unnecessary pressure on relationships, as while I don't get emotionally connected to what is being said, others do. And, it isn't that I don't recognize that I am wrong either, it is just that it doesn't happen during the conversation, it happens after, when I have had time to reflect upon what was discussed. At that point, I can realize I was wrong or misguided, but this doesn't mean I then go back to the person and let them know - something I am trying to get better with and am making some progress.
While these patterns of behavior for me aren't new, what is interesting is that now I have distance to see them more clearly, describe them with greater clarity and perhaps make a change for the better. Just because this is the way I have always been, doesn't mean it is a beneficial way to be, nor does it mean it is the best version of myself. It is still me, whether I change it or not, but that doesn't make not changing it the right thing to do.
In a separate discussion in a chat based on a shared article from a friend, the topic of obesity came up and the complexity of the topic. Sure, it is easy to lay blame on someone's weight problems, but can you blame an adult who as a child was provided the wrong patterns that became habits? Probably not, right? However, as an adult, it is possible to recognize this and make changes in ourselves, rather than finding excuses as to why it is okay to stay the same.
We live in a culture of excuses now, where people's shortcomings are glossed over, where for example someone who has a drinking problem, is no longer an alcoholic, they are someone struggling with substance use instead. There is a softening of the terms that shift blame away from the individual and onto an unknown external source. And, no matter what issues we have, we are able to divert the attention away from ourselves, which takes away our ability to reflect on the role we play in our own condition.
Sure, the environment I grew up in was not ideal for many reasons and it taught me a lot of valuable lessons and behaviors too, but as an adult with the ability to think and reflect, I always have the opportunity to improve myself by turning my attention to do so. But, when we follow the accept ourselves and love ourselves as is approach, we don't have to change, no matter how unhappy we are "as is".
In my opinion, rather than trying to convince people to be happy being unhappy or even happy staying the same, we should encourage people to be better. We should have a culture that rewards the attempt to improve, even if it ends in failure. It doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny, weak or strong, smart or a moron, if you are actively trying to be a better human, good on you!
Fail all you must, but not trying is pathetic. The attempt matters.
Am I right?
I don't know. But, at least at this point of the post, it feels right in the moment. Tomorrow, when I reflect on what I have written or from the comments I receive, perhaps I will change my mind.
We are human; changing minds is not only possible, it is how we evolve.
I am a firm believer that the average is a mess currently and we are heading down a slippery slope, creating divisions between us that do not need to be there. The more we subscribe to building identity on the differences between us, the more disconnected and volatile the world becomes, because those slices and shades can be continually parted. However, if we focus on our similarities, we aren't that different at all.
It doesn't mean I can change my behavior overnight, or at all. But I can try to be better than I currently am, even if through trial and error, sometimes the results are worse.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
You're pretty good at psychoanalysizing yourself.
Interestingly, reading through what you wrote, I see that the same may cause me to be an asshole sometimes. Less than I used to me. Decades of Zen Buddhism has helped mellow me down and make me much more tolerant and accepting. But still.
Many people have this problem, myself included. Working on it always.
Yep. As I always tell my kids "I don't care if you fail. But you have to try."
Isn't it sad that for some, they are just able to be mellow, no insight or meditation required? :D
I think this is an area where many parents themselves fail, especially when they have expectations on what is right for their child to do.
Excuses along with procrastination is common place today as a society we have become lazier accepting faults instead of fixing them. I know here it is difficult as you cannot just go for a walk due to security issues depending on where you live. Times have certainly changed and the young generation has such a different upbringing to what I knew and loved.
We can all be active in improvement. It is about the only thing in which there is equality.
I think you just offered a lens into people I previously hadn’t forgiven for their hand in my life. When you observe that previous version may not be the best version of yourself, I couldn’t help but agree.
We are all victims. All perpetrators. This doesn't mean we should accept every behavior, but we should reflect on our own.
I hit reply too early.
What I mean to say more of is, the attempt at improvement’s the ideal mind-frame. Compared to perfection, there’s a satisfaction to reaching level not previously achieved. Knowing that improvement remains also lights a fire to continue, gives meaning to the current trials and efforts too.
I can take a picture, but don’t have a contract for my freelance work. I’m artistic but disorganized sometimes. Growing where I’m weak feels as good as excelling where I’m already proficient. Trying to deliver more information, with less error or miscommunications, supporting my loved ones with their efforts, seeing the other side of things, especially for myself. I might take a better picture one day.
Sometimes the results are worse, sometimes. Other times, they might be better, Taraz.
There is more drive to being an expert than getting the label. It is a process of continual learning, even if it gets finer and the improvement slighter.
Improving our negatives is an important step in optimizing our process so we can do more in what we like doing. Everyone wants to do more of what they love, but rarely realize that in order to do so, they likely have to first improve in what they dislike.
I don't know, obesity is a tough one. I really do think genetics has a lot to do with that one. My wife and I both started working out several years ago pretty much five days a week. We also started being very mindful of what we eat. I can't say as though I am any skinnier now than I was before I started. In fact, if anything I feel bigger. I mean I get what you are saying. That's just a tough one for me because it has been a struggle my whole adult life.
Yes, it is a tough one! That is the point, but it also doesn't have to be accepted as the only condition. This doesn't mean that a person has to kill themselves to be thinner, but an attempt to improve the condition (even in failure) is valuable, isn't it? Sure, failure might feel bad, but we have to learn about that too. And also, most likely, thinner or not, you did get benefits from exercise and a better diet, even if it wasn't in hitting the marks you were looking for.
Genetics plays a big role. I am genetically prone to being "soft" (not really fat, but not fit), no matter what I do or eat. Though, I also struggle heavily with a sweet tooth and can't stay strict for long enough. However, I feel better physically and about myself when I am doing something to improve - even if I am not getting many outward-facing changes.
Yeah, I can totally agree with that last part. I am a bit of the same way. I have a sweet tooth too and I do feel healthier even if I am not skinnier.
I think media has skewed the way we view our body size over the many many years whereby if you are not losing weight or getting skinner, you are failing. We need to decouple healthiness & body size.
Good on you and your wife for making the active decision to be healthier and persisting. I have had that good intention for the last 10 years I think. I still think about every time I am having chocolates :D
Well, to be fair, we don't find getting out of bed at four any easier than it was when we first started. In fact we skip more days now than we used to every now and then. It's hard to stay motivated when you don't see the results.
Definitely the physical results are a big motivator, but as you mentioned, you feel healthier. The psychological effects also play a big part. You might also feel you can exercise longer without feeling out of breath and have more energy. The results come in different forms. :D
For sure!
And while I used obesity as an example, it is by far not the only thing. Look at the emerging "Minor Attracted Persons" - yes... paedophiles. The idea of making everything acceptable by softening the meaning is insane.
Don’t know what my youngest’s excuse is then, he had mostly the opposite upbringing to you 😆
I don’t see a problem with rewarding genuine and hard fought attempts even if they end in failure (but not half arse attempts or attempts that fly in the face of previous examples and experiences where people are basically going in convinced that then doing the same thing that failed before will somehow work this time because they’re the ones doing it).
On the focusing on similarities thing, middle child was just showing me TikToks about how people haven’t changed that much over hundreds of years despite a lot of things changing 😆
I see it something like a peanut allergy or similar. The same experience will elicit different responses in different people. Saying we have "gone through the same thing" doesn't mean we went through it with the same tools etc, if that makes sense?
Yep. We are still idiots and I assume we will continue to be for many hundreds of years more :)
Sounds about right XD
I agree on focusing on the thought that we are similar than the idea that we are different. Because if we accept that fact, we will be more connected with each other, we will help each other, and so we become responsible with each other.
It is perhaps a sad fact that we help those similar to us before those dissimilar. However, since we each have a lot more overlap than difference, if we focus on that, we should be able to help anyone.
Very true sir! Thank you for these thoughts you share.
I was also pretty much left to on my own and little guidance from my parents. I can call this situation both good and bad. It was bad because I was alone and I took the important decision on my own since my teenage. It was good because I raised myself and I have gone through difficulities, I haven't been on velvet.
The other day I was listening a lecture. It was a religious one, yet quite logically understandable non-religiously as well.
The speaker said that it is the attitude of Satan to make a mistake and then blame the external elements for this, while Adam (human) stood superior to him because he had the courage to take the responsibility for his mistakes.
The point to understand here is that there are, certainly, external agents that affect us in multiple ways. However, when we take the responsibility of our mistakes we acquire the courage and strength to bring betterment in our situation and circumstances.
Refusing to take the responsibility is a journey towards worsening of the situation.
I agree that we should appreciate one's steps towards betterment. No matter how small they may be. Man being the social animal needs reinforcement from his fellows. Our support may turn the small steps into a long journey.
I am not fat. I just have large bones...
Very large bones...That is the true attitude of those who recognize and accept that to be better every day as a human is to look at the old version of oneself and how you have changed for the better taking only the good and appreciating the process understand that the flow of interactions is never straight, it has curves to clarify nourish, harmonize, reconcile, it is a constant revision and adjustment in our walk with our limitations and I know that it is not easy...I still do a lot of activities, and sports to maintain my health and body weight.
You know how I use to tell people: of course i talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
On a serious note, I was reading long time ago some French psychology stuff about a technique called 'kiss the frog first'. They said that in order to have an easy day, you need to start with the hardest, most unliked task, once you finish that everything else seems easy. I must say, I tried and it is true.
Cute one