While our daughter was eating an evening snack before bed, my wife was showing videos from when she was a baby between the age of maybe one and a half, and two years of age. Parents are generally pretty proud of their kids achievements and for first time parents, everything she did was amazing - whether it actually was or wasn't, that didn't matter to us. Our daughter has a gift for languages and started talking early, with her first word at eleven months.
At this point I will highlight her first word was, Daddy.
But while everything was special and amazing at the time, looking back at the videos, in hindsight - she was pretty amazing. She is there at one and a half speaking in both Finnish and English, depending on her audience, counting things from her books, and making intentional jokes to be a smartass. She was a pretty talented little kid.
But it is funny as we watched, as while our daughter likes watching them, it is almost like she is watching someone else, as she has zero recollection of any of this today. She knows it is her, she sees familiar things, but the activity itself is no longer in her memory. It is like watching footage after a very, very drunken night.
Not that I would know about that.... because unfortunately I have never been able to get drunk enough to not remember. Just drunk enough to do stupid things.
And a bit like seeing that replay, our daughter was still kind of embarrassed that it was her, saying things in a baby voice, blowing kisses by slapping her face, and demonstrating how to get on and off a step stool in great detail. And it is interesting, because when I look back I am still amazed, yet when she looks back, all she sees are the flaws and immaturity.
Having kids is awesome.
I was reading an article where some Gen-Z "celebrity" was saying how she doesn't know anyone happy parent, but I don't think that is a fair appraisal. Because yes, having kids can be difficult, and yes, it means that a lot of the things that were previously enjoyed get missed out on - but it doesn't take into account all the additional experiences that can be had without children. But more importantly than that, it doesn't take into account that having children isn't a phase in life like going to school, or having a summer job, it is for life.
The relationship is always there, and it changes over time drastically. The experience of being a parent isn't a static experience, it is a wildly variable one, where things change massively over time. While the child is always a child in the eyes of the parent, the parent still has to come to terms with them changing into whoever they will be as an adult, whilst still remembering that they changed that adult's nappies, comforted them when sick, put a bandaid on a grazed knee, and watched as they have their heart broken by a person you knew would break their heart.
The entire dynamic of the relationship changes over time, but it is also a relationship that is consistent throughout life too. There is always a parent-child connection. And, I think that this is why so many much older people who chose to pass up having children, often regret their decisions when much younger, because they didn't factor in how they would feel about it in the future.
How can we?
We are terrible and considering how our future self is going to feel about something, so we make decisions based on what we know, without thinking about what our future self will know. If you ask most parents if they regret having kids, they don't say no because they can't put them back, they don't regret because they now know things they didn't earlier. Looking forward, it is hard to imagine this, because unless experiencing it directly, it is probably impossible to truly understand.
Just like when my daughter looks back at herself as a baby, and doesn't see how she could be so silly, even though she was very clever for her age. We don't know what we are going to know in the future, and we definitely don't know how we are going to feel about our past and the decisions we made in the future.
We are always immature in the present.
But if we are going to be kind to our future self, we are going to have to consider that the things that future me is going to value and find important, isn't going to be the same as the things that present me finds important. A lot of people these days seem to be going all-in on their current feelings, without putting anything aside for their possible future feelings. It is like someone who has nothing put away for a rainy day, assuming it will always be sunny.
Kids don't have to be gifted.
They just need to feel loved.
It's the same with adults.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Aaaahhhh those videos sound so cute XD I wish I had a lot more videos from when mine were tiny but we didn't have a video camera and phone storage was pretty trash back then x_x
I do have a hundred million photos at least
One of my rules with my kids when they started drinking (whether they listen or not is another thing altogether) was do not ever imbibe so much that you can't walk unassisted and can't remember things afterwards.
The two that are old enough to drink have been pretty good.
I'd be almost willing to bet that if you saw videos of little you, you would be thinking exactly the same thing even if it's somewhat tempered by enough context/experience ;D
I think that's more in the "things you don't know you don't know" than the "things you know you don't know" categories. And this is speaking as someone who spent a lot of the worst parts of the early days of parenthood very determinedly not wishing this bit was over because I academically with the first child and experientially with the second and third knew that this bit was a drop in the grand scheme.
whodathunk that getting into characters' heads would be a useful skill in real life XD
So then
makes a lot of sense as I know in my late teens-early 20s when I knew everything I was pretty certain I would never change :) And I know a lot of people my age think that they're set in their ways (okay in fairness some of them are and a lot of the older ones definitely are, but I don't know how much of it is set and how much of it is because they're told that they are).
It is funny how few understand this. Put yourself in silly situations, get silly results.
For sure. If I looked back to last week I would be pretty harsh on myself :D
I often wonder how different "skills" (professions or talents or whatever) affect parenting. Is an engineer a better parent on average than an artist, an artist better than a soldier? I know it is case by case, but it is interesting to consider, that is all.
Usually the hyperfocus is on how much fun you're having at the time and consequences be damned.
I still don't see how getting blind drunk is "fun" but being too far over a little bit tipsy annoys the hell out of me, guess I've been old since I hit the magic adult age XD
LoL but you know what same x_x
The differing backgrounds and skillsets would definitely lead to differing approaches and solutions to things that come up for most things. As you said it's case by case and probably more adaptability and being able to respond to what's going on at the time (which changes all the freaking time).
Basically I'm of the belief that if someone firmly believes that they know best and kids don't know what's good for them and all their kids have to be parented the exact same way for everything to be "fair" and you have to "start how you mean to continue" (or any combination thereof) they're going to have a bad time.
What a beautiful testimony of fatherhood you share, friend. It is true that being a parent is a journey full of magical moments and transformations, in my case joy and sorrows. There is nothing like holding that little being in your arms for the first time and watching it grow.
I am touched when you say that your daughter changed without losing that special connection we have with our children. It is true that they teach us as much as we teach them. There is no manual for parenting, the career is learned along the way,
As a dad myself, I understand perfectly what you are describing, that mixture of amazement at seeing their first achievements and excitement at seeing them become unique people. And you've yet to experience other great moments, as they leave childhood behind, graduation and marriage.
You are absolutely right, children don't have to be gifted to be extraordinary. They just need love, patience and presence. And certainly, just like adults.
Thank you for sharing this reflection. It made me remember my own moments with my daughter Sofia and appreciate even more this gift that is being a parent. As you know, she left us when she turned 11. Blessings.
I know the sorrow you speak of and I wonder if it has made your journey with Matthew quite different than it might have been otherwise. Perhaps there are fears you wouldn't have had that are there, but also there are things you enjoy that you might not have paid attention to earlier also. Life changes us too.
It's a pretty amazing time huh? Our great niece is just four months old and she is doing new stuff that amazes us every time we see her. She already has a pretty crazy story for even joining us, so I can't wait to see the new stories she makes as she grows.
I think people should "reminisce" with their kids more often, reminding them of the good moments and highlights that so they don't forget, and feel that people are really paying attention to their lives.
We do that quite a bit with our nieces. We were just watching old videos the other day from when they were babies. They were really into it.
You're absolutely right man, they don't need to be gifted and I've learned that sometimes good parenting gives more value to a kid than some natural talent they have. Love and attention is more important
Talent only goes so far, before hard work outperforms it.
this is a quote I'm going to post man, thank you you're so right man
I think she is lucky as she has started learning English at early ages. Thus, she can go for another language during her education life instead of spending years for English :)
She will have to learn English formally at school too, but she only really needs the written stuff from that. She will have to learn Swedish also, which I think she will enjoy, as she is doing German now and likes that :)
She has time ;)