Get to the point.
What I have learned, is that my wife doesn't like being told that her stories are rambling and hard to understand. They are like a mix of choose your own adventure, detective novel, and acid trip. I need a murder board with red string to attach all the references and background stories, possible leads and of course a red marker, to cross out the dead ends.
I know.
The irony.
But, while I often actually enjoy my wife's stories, this was more in a specific sense about the way she might approach some professional conversations, especially around providing feedback. Giving feedback is often quite hard for many people, and for a lot, even harder than receiving it. However, it is a necessary part of life for anyone who wants to improve at something, or anyone who needs to improve in an organization. Though, it doesn't have to be painful.
But, rambling feedback is terrible to receive, because it creates stress and unnecessary ambiguity. This leaves too much open to interpretation, and often, it is also accompanied with no clear way forward. There are many models for giving feedback, but it is pretty easy to do if prepared correctly, and like a good story, there is an introduction, a middle and an end.
First of all, no one really likes unsolicited feedback, so asking for permission is the starting point, even if it in a supervisory role where the expectation is that feedback will be given. Depending on the circumstances, a separate time might need to be set up for it, rather than delivering it there and then - but priming in some way gets their consent, and helps them prepare.
Then when it comes to giving the actual feedback itself, it has to be given on something that is within their power to influence, not something that is unchangeable. Essentially, it has to be behavioral, and something that is observable. This way, the conversation can start with something they have done, not something that is about them personally. Stating what has been observed, with something concrete means that there isn't room to argue at that point.
Next, it is on to the follow through, which is to express the impact of the observed behavior, which could be a personal impact based on feelings, or some kind of other indicator, like a business impact of some kind. Whatever it is, there needs to be a reason that the behavior is being mentioned, otherwise, what is the point of the feedback?
But after the situation and impact has been stated, it is time to get some perspective on it, by asking the recipient if this is how they see circumstances, and perhaps get some reasons as to why this behavior is so. Possibly, once they have expressed themselves, the behavior is justified and acceptable. Or, perhaps they will realize that it is unacceptable themselves, which leads to the last stage, which is where to go from here.
Next steps are vital, and this can be a collaborative effort where firstly, the recipient of the feedback proposes a course of action, then it can be discussed in more detail, and how to follow up on it. This way, there is responsibility and accountability that is agreed upon, and expectations set on what a successful outcome will look like.
Going through these simple steps means that there is more "fairness" in the feedback process because voices are heard, and ensures that it is actionable on both sides, where there is a consequence of the observed behavior if nothing changes, and steps to take with consequences if things do change. Interestingly perhaps, this works with reinforcing good behaviors also, but of course, nothing need change in those cases, except perhaps to install more of the same or better.
I have been trialing this method recently, and it has yielded some good results on both the negative and the positive feedback sides. I have also used this with my daughter a bit, and she has responded well to it also, as it gives her a chance to hear how her actions matter, and then reflect on them to see if there is a better way for her to go forward. And on the positive, it makes her feel good that she has been noticed.
I need to get better with my wife.
How about you - do you have a way you give feedback?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
When I was a civilian supervisor a similar approach was used and it was very effective most of the time. There will be some people that are just not receptive to negative feedback though and are much more challenging. I used to have to put much more preparation into theirs. It could be mentally draining.
As far as the wife, I approach with extreme caution LOL
Especially these days for a lot of people who have lived in digital silos, anything negative is taken as a personal attack, like they have had their fingers cut off.
For sure. I find people who have no emotional-control, very draining too.
One day, I will learn.
Glad to see you around the woods here :)
It's good to be back on my feet and back at it.
Fantastic!
My partner is the same... I'm not only does she ramble, but she loses the thread completely and I have to remind her what her story was originally about... but honestly, it's fine, she's having a fun time telling her stories so I'm happy to be her audience.
Very, very early in my career, I had a project lead give me my official annual review where he talked for ages about how I was reading a book at my desk that day and he didn't think that was professional... even after I had told him I had worked through lunch on an urgent issue and was finally taking a break. I was so mad that it was the focus of my annual review.
It did teach me that perception > reality and that feedback only matters if you respect the person giving it to you. I was a contractor for a really long time so the only feedback you'd ever get was if you got hired again (and that's usually more of an availability/pay sync up than actual feedback per se). I do get feedback now, but I'm not sure I've ever received anything yet that has changed my outlook or behaviour.
"Hey skippy, Timmy fell down the well? He hit is head? You were sleeping under a tree? You were tired after a long day eating grass? Yes, grass is good for you. Yes, they are names of types of grasses... Skippy, where the fuck is Timmy?!"
He obviously didn't do his prep. "Annual" isn't "what I saw today".
Perhaps it is who you are getting it from? Or perhaps, what they focus on isn't valuable to you, it is valuable to them. Do you give people (positive and negative) feedback?
I think feedback is particularly needed in work life if both senior and junior employees would like to improve the way of doing work.
Yep. Was talking about senior employees today, and most of them are actually pretty good with growth feedback, because they have been through the process and know the value. It is the middle managers that are harder, because they haven't the full experience yet, but have been promoted on the good job they have done so far.
Rambling is where I live. I would likely drive you crazy too! I often have to backtrack my train of thought for my wife so she can see how I got from point A to point B in my conversation. In my mind it's all connected. To the casual observer, not so much.
I am generally pretty good at following rambling conversations about "open" topics - but when there is meant to be a point, it gets hard - especially when there are time constraints. I think it is because I ramble so much myself :D
I think this should take the highest priority. As they say, happy wife, happy life haha.
But I do agree with what you are saying. Unsolicited feedback is useless, giving it to an unwilling person makes no difference. It should be something they can work on, and it would be nice if you can help them with it. Being short and specific can be good with people one isn't that close with. One can then expound once they ask for more details.
It is a great saying - until reality sets in and the realization is made that they are never happy for long.
Giving good feedback both positive and negative has so much organizational value, and over time when people benefit, it builds trust.
Is tricky. Usually, I suggest and let the idea appear, so she will think is hers.
This is a good way - it needs to be a dialogue. For kids, they might need some help to work out alternatives, but for adults, most of them know the answer, they just need some coaxing.
I am a class teacher, so I am often on my seat when other teachers come to take their classes. Sometimes some teachers will approach me and ask how I feel about their performance. I would tell them what I have observed, if they are just perfect and there is any I will tell them what aspect of their teaching could be better. I ask other teachers for feedback too.
It is essential for growth in our chosen path of life.
At the company I work for, there is a tool to request feedback from colleagues, and people are starting to use it a lot. It is a good reflection mechanism.
My parents complain so much about me with the way I give terrible feedback. They seek not to understand what I mean or what I’m saying. I hope I change that about me though
Learn and practice frameworks, as it is a valuable skill for life.
First of all love the irony man. But yh, feedback can be tricky yet essential. Being clear and specific helps avoid misunderstandings and ensures it's constructive. I try to listen first and then offer suggestions gently.
Active listening is another skill I should work on in myself.
Absolutely bro and I'll follow suite and learn that skill as well 💯❤️❤️
I don’t know but let me assume that’s rumbling. I guess that’s how some people are naturally are. It’s not like they don’t wish to explain but they don’t just know how to put it in a way that people will understand
Those kind of people may be bad when it come stop giving feedback
Naturally are is only a thing when we decide that we are unwilling to develop ourselves.
Feedback is important. After all, a person may not be able to see or realize everything on his own. There must be someone to convey this to him and explain it to him. This is sometimes vitally effective.
And we all have different skillsets and focus areas. One person might be fantastic at their core job, but be missing areas of their secondary tasks, but not realize as it is outside of their interest.
Matthew's mum and I, although we live apart, get on very well. She understands my looks, my gestures..., she can tell what mood I'm in just by looking at me; just like me, with the small difference that it's hard for me to see her gestures because of my visual impairment, but even so I can sense her...
Feedback in human behaviour is automatic. There are situations in which feedback is unconscious, the body performs its functions and, based on biological variables, seeks constant balance in favour of the functioning of the body. Now, talking about feedback in interpersonal relationships, there are also involuntary and not so involuntary responses.
Personally, all this has a cultural aspect, whether in a professional environment or in everyday life. If you travel to a Latin country and do not know the cultural aspects, you will not understand for example “la chola mata, la chiripa” or someone calling you “marico” for being a friend… You may take them as offences, and nothing to do with it.
The same thing happens if a Latin American travels to Paris, and is introduced to some friends, and when those friends, out of courtesy, go to kiss his cheeks, he would not accept it because of the macho culture that prevails in Latin America. Feedback is nourished by previous information, by lived experiences.
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