Every now and again I scroll through my photos kept in Lightroom, to see if there is anything interesting to sue in there for an article. I often use a lot of the same images over the space of months, depending on what I am writing about, but I do like to diversify and, I do like to add fresh new pictures, when possible. But sometimes, I am just looking through for sentimental reasons, some memories, as a lot of pictures from highlight moments are in there with family, or something that stood out as an event.
Today, I came across this set of black and whites.
They are not compositionally impressive, nor are they overly interesting by themselves, but they did bring back memories. These are the photos I took while waiting in a hospital bed for a scan of my head, before they knew that I had had a stroke. I was almost turned away as "non-critical" because of Covid times and then waited in the waiting room for about four hours, before finally seeing a doctor, who didn't want to scan me at all.
So, while I was waiting there, with nothing to do other than lay with a throbbing head, I took some photos and edited the. At that point, I didn't know how serious it was, but I knew that something was pretty wrong with me, as I have had all kinds of pains, and this was different to all of them.
While my wife drove me into the hospital and got me through into the waiting area earlier in the afternoon, she wasn't allowed to join me, because of Covid restrictions. I didn't want to be there alone, because I felt that I wasn't going to get home again. We had dropped my daughter to her grandparents and when I said goodbye to her, I said goodbye to her. Of course, I didn't want to worry her, so it was just a normal goodbye for her with a hug and kiss, and an "I love you", but for me, it was a possible last time.
After about nine hours of sitting in the waiting area and then waiting in the emergency ward, it was around eleven at night before I was taken to another waiting area with another bed to wait for the results. The only reason I was kept overnight was because my wife's brother in law (specialist radiologist at the same hospital) saw the scans (I had to give him permission) and saw a shadow, pointing to a broken carotid artery in my neck. There is a picture of him looking at my scans on his couch at home, while watching Finland play football.
But, the scan was on my neck, not my brain.
At about one in the morning, I was taken to a room to spend the night, under the assumption that they will monitor and get me treatment for the artery the next day. It wasn't actually until two days later when my wife noticed the corner of my mouth was dropping slightly, that they did an MRI and discovered that I had indeed had a stroke, and the treatment they were giving for the artery, instead of helping, might kill me.
It is strange to think back to that day and night and all that had happened in the couple days lead up into it. And, it is strange to think about the consequences of it since, with my entire life shifted on its axis, orbiting an unfamiliar body and mind that no longer recognised itself in the mirror. And, it is also strange to think that despite this monumental shift in my personal universe, life just goes on, much as it did before for everyone else.
But it didn't just go on for me.
I mean yes, life has continued, but not as before. For me, everything changed in an instant, and who I was the day before, was completely different to who I was the day after. It is like one of those body-swap comedies, but with only one body available, one of the personas had to die.
A morbid game of musical chairs.
I remember pieces of this day, like the doctor's face, and the dry, rye-bread sandwich and a juice box they gave me for dinner. I remember waiting in the waiting room and looking at the people there getting frustrated, as while they waited, alcoholics who had fallen down drunk and hit their head got taken straight in past the line. And, I remember these curtains made of paper in the picture and thinking that I hadn't seen them before.
I remember thinking that I might never see my family again.
A family with names I was struggling to remember.
They are just photos.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I've had to go to the ER a couple of times in the past years. The one time my wife was with me and just like you said there were drunk people coming in and since they said their chest hurt they got taken to the front of the line. They clearly know the game and they play it well. The other time was during Covid and my wife couldn't come with me. Nothing as serious as yours, but it was still scary and lonely.
They are there so often, and don't want to waste their drinking time.
When there is already high uncertainty and stress caused by the condition, then an unfamiliar environment and people, it is good to have someone there with a known face - even if they can't do anything.
Hopefully those days are past us now. Unless this bird flu thing goes south on us!
Oh my what a scary moment!
and during covid too without family in ED. Tough times and a close call.
How lucky that the scan was reseen, and your wife noticed that tiny detail and they paid attention to her comment.
was it the artery bleeding that caused the stroke?
hopefully even over the coming years it keeps healing a little. Brains are such odd things. My mum had a traumatic brain injury last year, and had to relearn everything. (work in progress)
I was an COVID ICU nurse in Brisbane during pandemic, the things i saw....
But now, the damage to my hand stopped that career.
Thanks for sharing
BLINGIT
Yep. I don't know how I got the dissection in the first place, but my neck had been sore for a few weeks. Problem was, I was renovating the house, so a sore neck was expected.
Sorry to hear. It is a hard thing to deal with, because it affects everyone differently and often, it is hard to see just what is affected. It took me a week after to realize that my brain wasn't making mental images at all. I can imagine things, but it isn't automatic now. It makes reading, learning and recall very difficult.
Thongs, dirty barefeet, people from the Gold Coast?
I jest, but yeah, I can imagine it wasn't a great time.
What happened to your hand?
AHh house renovations.
yeah sometimes you just don't know how things actually happen. Just super unlucky. although at the same time... very lucky. yikes.
Its funny you mention the making mental images in your head, i was watching a documentary the other day about how different people actually think. So some people think "out loud in their head in words" and some some people see an action. So some visualize the kettle boiling. (but no words in their head) and others say in their brain "I.am.going.to.make.coffee." Or when trying to recall someones name you hear their voice in your head in detail, and see their face, but can't remember the word.
So as you say it affects people so differently as even if the same area is damaged the effects will be different as your brain created its own pathway to understanding by thinking in a different way.
hopefully as its only been a couple of years your brain still continues to make new connections.
They say healing can take 10 years.
My mum can't read anymore at all. Her words started all wrong, (so she would say, banna, ribbit, got to go poooma" and think she was saying "look at the flowers".) her speech is back, but she can't read words as she can see the letters but can't translate them into a word in her head.
my hand, a tiny non dramatic incident. I tripped putting away washing and my thumb double dislocated (we think) around a doorframe and damaged the nerve that moves the thumb. so anything with scissors, or pinch grip strength (think syringes and buttons at work) is really hard.
Happily i can actually paint as the pressure needed to hold a brush is not great. (but struggle with opening the tubes).
as for covid ICU... Jest all you like, by all means. as no one believes the reality lol.
BLINGIT
As I read your posts, a bond has formed between you and me. I got emotional while reading this post. It must have been a very difficult process for you and your family. You must have felt something negative from the very beginning. It's hard to say this, but life goes on somehow.
Hive is a strange place to make connections, isn't it? :)
It does. And there really isn't any other option than choose to live it, or choose not to.
Photos become ever more important in such situations. They shouldn't have let you languish that way, for that long. Worse to be all alone
They were under pressures too, because of largely unnecessary Covid nonsense.
It's nice to know that it's now in the past and you are doing way better in your health. It's good that what you thought would be your last time isn't anymore.
Last year I had two surgeries and I thought I would not make it out alive. But here I am today.
And this has made me to see life differently and appreciate life the more.
Wishing you the best in life 🥂
Hopefully you are ain the clear now!
Pay attention to the small moments.
I sure will, thank you 😊
What we experience or feel at a hospital is generally so tough that it could be remembered after years even if we forgot it. That's why I don't want to go there if not a must.
It can be an intense experience - or parts of it can. I remember one time getting a "blood gas" test - which was a massive needle into the artery of my wrist, and they were testing the emergency lights for an approaching cyclone and the lights kept going out. I could feel it sliding off the artery muscle and scraping bone - I had a bruise for 4 months.
And I hate needle 😵💫
I don't think that any of us that didn't have an experience like you did can ever really understand how you felt.
The closest I came to it was when I discovered a hard mass behind my knee and for weeks before I could see a doctor I was afraid it might be cancerous tumor. It really makes you think of your mortality and meaning of things...
The not knowing is the worst part of the waiting, because the head makes up all kinds of scenarios and it might be worse now, because of all the possibility to search for what it might be.
Your post is incredibly powerful. The simple black and white photos, coupled with your deeply personal narrative, create a stark contrast that emphasizes the gravity of your experience. The seemingly small details—the rye bread sandwich, the paper curtains—become imbued with profound meaning in the context of your stroke and the fear you felt. The way you describe the shift in your life, comparing it to a body-swap comedy with a tragic twist, is both insightful and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and moving account. Your story is a reminder of life's fragility and the importance of cherishing every moment.
I hope that for at least a few minutes, whoever reads will cherish a moment or two in their day. It might be important to them later.
I wish you good health - get well soon!
Cheers! I am "fine" now - at least not quite on death's door :)
Mr. Taraz, I know what you're talking about, I've lived it, saying goodbye with a see you soon without knowing what will happen. In the same body, with a 180° change in the meaning of life, one continues to move forward even with a different tido. I wish you and your family a new year with lots of laughter, hugs and well-being.
I guess doing a 180 isn't all bad - it is like having two different lives welded together in the middle. :)
Happy New Year!
It's not a bad thing Mr. taraz is a body with new opportunities, valuing every day, the 180° change arises, it starts in the mind and not outside of us, to be able to see clearly lis different points of view....choices and decisions. Life and health to you and family 💫