I think that I am a pretty encouraging parent for Smallsteps, but I also wonder if I am going about it in the wrong way. For example, she was at a friend's birthday party, which was held at a climbing center for kids, and because there weren't enough workers monitoring, I lent a hand to help the children with the harnesses and safety equipment. However, most of the time I was helping Smallsteps, as she was struggling out of fear.
I would encourage her to be brave, I would say "you can do it" and how all those hours spent on the rings in her room has built the strength she needs to do this easily. She would climb about three meters up, then jump back down. This went on for about forty five minutes, and they would only have an hour in there.
That is until...
While about to come down again, instead of encouraging her to keep going, I said "Fine, and had a look of disappointment on my face" as I dipped my head. A moment later I looked up again, and she was climbing higher with determination in her body. And she didn't stop until she got to the top, slammed the button and then abseiled back down.
She was ecstatic once she landed.
And once down, it was straight onto the next wall, striving to top it, and then onto the next. And a couple minutes after topping the first and then them saying "five minutes left" on the time, Smallsteps was keen to go on, and disappointed she had to stop.
"When can we come again?"
Which begs the question.
If the role of a parent is to encourage their child to try new things, improve themselves, learn to fail and all of that, should the style of parenting be based on what makes the parent comfortable, or what is best for the child?
It felt terrible to feign disappointment like that, but I wanted to see if it would have an impact on Smallsteps' behavior, and it had the predicted outcome. Not wanting to "disappoint me", she lifted her game, and while that might not sound like a healthy attitude, perhaps it is a personal preference for her, where something in her wants to meet the challenge.
Like it or not, our behaviors are influenced by what we perceive as the expectations of others for us, even if we want to pretend that they are not. In some way, we are all affected by other's opinions and in my experience, those who believe they are unaffected, are often the ones who are actually the most affected.
Is it a bad thing to be influenced by others?
I don't think so.
At least when we actually want to be influenced into behaving a particular way, or accomplishing a goal. For instance, if I am looking to increase my fitness level, it is best I hang out with people who are looking to do the same. Not only that, it would be even better if I could workout with them, so they can encourage me to push a bit harder, and watch me do it to keep me accountable. I suspect that at least most of us are going to shift our behavior in some way, when we think we are going to disappoint someone whose opinion we care about.
Do you admit it?
I don't want to use this as the only mechanism to encourage my daughter, because I really don't think that is healthy. However, I wish that my own parents found ways to encourage me to try more, do more, and overcome more - but they weren't even bothered enough to feign disappointment in my lack of attempt. When left to my own devices as a child, I took the easy path. As an adult, it has made things far harder than they need be.
There was no one standing at the bottom of the wall at all.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Well, sometimes the best encouragement and influence for the other, and in particular for the younger ones isn't only to be a good example, but to provide the comfort of being there, no matter if they achieve their goals. For me, the best lesson is to trust in the path. The goal is not only to arrie at the finish line, but to continue to pursuit on the best way to get there.
Thank you so much for sharing one more of your father daughter connection moments. It is always a pleasure to read out your thoughts and reflection about life.
this is the challenge. Moving away from goal orientated pursuit, and instead being "the kind of person who" areas.
My parents were dismal failures. They were never there to catch my falls. I have tried to forgive them but have fallen short.
You are a hero in my eyes for simply being there to catch her if she falls.
Sounds like we both know what is like to fall alone. Stand up, dust ourselves off. Then carry on. 👍
It is essential that parents allow their children to take calculated risks, always under appropriate safety rules. This helps them develop resilience and problem-solving skills. Avoiding overprotection fosters independence and self-confidence. Guidance and supervision without excessive intervention better prepares them for future challenges.
I think a lot of parents are protecting their children when the cost of failure is low, because it is easier to not have the tears. However, at some point, the cost of failure increases, and the kids aren't prepared to deal with it.
Smallsteps is an adventurous warrior; having the spirit of wanting to reach the top will take her to reach all her goals. That's life, sometimes there are things that cost more than others, but you have to learn to deal with frustration and not give up unfortunately there are parents like that, but at least you had for better or for worse every experience every joy every disappointment formed your character and the way you perceive the world.
She is an adventurous warrior, once she gets started on the adventure. Otherwise, she is shy and reserved! :D
Learning to deal with fears or like I was saying yesterday, boredom, is part of maturing. A lot of younger adults I meet today don't seem to be able to emotionally deal with much in the negative, yet believe they are emotionally healthy.
I think what's best for the child is more important over what's comfortable for the parent. Putting Smallsteps in a position she didn't want to disappoint was a pretty smart and effective idea though if a parent is doing this they should avoid all forms of negativity that might hurt the child's self-esteem. But it has to go hand in hand with lots of commendation for the child if they perform as expected. In my experience, that's a huge motivational factor. Thanks for sharing this educative experience with your daughter. I'd say you doing excellently well for a father. Have a nice weekend.
Some parents only deliver disappointment to their kids, whilst others only give them positive reinforcement. Both ways are going to unbalance a personality.
It must have been difficult feigning disappoinment. However, it paid off by motivating her. It seems your daughter thrives on overcoming or meeting challenges. What really matters is your awareness on how impactful it has on her and how well you are willing to adapt. However, there is a need to balance encouraging growth and pushing too hard.
This is really insightful 👍
Thanks for sharing
There is definitely a difference between encouraging growth and pushing too hard, and there is a fine line there perhaps. However, being aware of the processes in play can help.
Exactly 💯
Thanks
When I was much younger I worked on a high ropes confidence course at a local kids camp. I am still not fond of heights, but it's amazing the confidence you can get when you are harnessed in. I think my favorite part was practicing rescues. Cutting someones line but seeing they are totally secure was kind of freeing.
a great post, i think at 1st she was just having fun not taking things serious, once u showed disappointment she pushed herself to her real limits & took things serious not to disappoint u, i agree that we do push ourselves to our limits not to disappoint those who we care about, being influenced by others is good wen the influence is for good "like n ur examble" not for evil, so it depends on who we r being influenced by, i believe that parenting style should be based on what is best for the child as n young childhood kids aren't always able to know what's better for them specially things with future consequences, agree that n most cases those who think they aren't affected by others opinions r the ones most affected but as i said it's n most cases so it's now always, agree that showing disappointment shouldn't b the only way n parenting to make kids do what we want them to do, it's a mental game & can b harmful, but wen it's about things that r important & n the child favor it can b used with caution like showing disappointment wen they say a bad word, bad act, not caring about studying & school grades.
I spent my whole life wanting approval from Dad and he was always encouraging. Only showed disappointment if I did something stupid/wrong. I just loved him to bits and it felt good when he was proud of me, which was just about for anything I did. The other day I got an awesome wave and my first thought was: 'cant wait to tell Dad' and then had the crushing realization yet again he was gone.
Intrinsic motivation is actually the key. Figure out how to encourage that I reckon.
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If I will be influenced by someone, it must add some value to my life such as knowledge, skill, postive feeling and so on.
When I was a kid we went to cinema, traveled by the sea or countryside but I never been bowling or to a climbing place like this.
Years ago, when I was in high school, I had a casual attitude toward studies. I liked my free time and didn't have to work hard to do fine. My first biology test in the tenth grade I had my usual laissez faire attitude. The teacher handed back our tests and announced the results in order. I had a 78. He called that grade out after giving the A and B results to other students. I was humiliated. After that, I never got less than a 100 on a test. Every week, mine was the first name called.
What a smart teacher. He knocked a lazy student off her stride and got the very most out of her. Leave it to a biology teacher to understand social motivation.
Honestly everyone has what pushes them over the edge but the most common is the fear of failure, the never ending urge not to accept defeat, in as much as encouraging is good; it helps in pushing your mind sometimes.
Honestly good parenting friend, although I believe it's dependent on context of knowing the child's ability if he possess it already and is having a mental issue implementing it encouragement is need if otherwise dependent on gaining an ability disappointment should be used but rightly.