A friend of mine shared a post on Facebook about forgiving our parents for the mistakes they made and and pain they may have caused. I know that for her this is part of her healing journey to let go of stress in her life and heal past traumas in order to heal from cancer in the present. However, it obviously hit a sore spot for someone else who read it and their angry response was that some people don't deserve our forgiveness and it's not fair or reasonable to ask us to forgive them.
My heart went out to this woman, because her experiences or the experiences of someone close to her must have been painful in order for her to harbour this level of resentment. However, forgiveness isn't necessarily about those who have hurt you, but rather about coming to peace with things ourselves.
Image courtesy of @lightcaptured
We often think of forgiving someone as giving them our trust back and allowing them back in our lives in a way that they can potentially hurt us again. However, this is more to their benefit than our own. There is another side to this where we can forgive them, but also choose not to have them back in our lives or draw a line as to how they get to be a part of our lives. We could just cut them out of our lives anyway without forgiving them, but we will always be holding onto that resentment and probably wanting to see them suffer, punished or whatever other resolution we might hope from them. These things are not within our control, though, and justice may never happen for us, so holding out for it will never allow us to heal and move on.
When we forgive we can let go of that resentment. We are not saying that what they did was right, but we are also not allowing what they did to continue to have a hold over us, whether they are in our lives or not. As much as we might want some retribution or for them to regret what they did, that is not within our control. The chances are they have had their own issues in life that brought them to that point anyway. That is also not within our control, so choosing whether to forgive them or not is the only thing we have control over.
They call stress the silent killer and it affects our metabolism just as much as diet and lack of activity does. Unfortunately, it's one of the hardest things within our life to control. Stress tends to come from outside stimuli which we have an automatic and understandable reaction to. We cannot control those stimulus events, however, we can find methods to control how we respond and react to them. Taking a step back emotionally can help us to do that.
Whenever I come across stories from people who have healed from a cancer where doctors have concluded that they can do nothing to more to help, one of the common factors is that they have managed to get rid of any stress in their lives. They say stress is a silent killer and stories like these really do seem to confirm that. So I feel like we owe it to ourselves to allow ourselves to let stressful things go and move on.
Do you have methods that help you to deal with stress, have you managed to heal from past trauma or to turn yourself around from being a high stress, high anxiety person? I'd love to read about any tips or things that worked for you, whether here as a comment or as a post (please tag me if you post about it).
Una amiga mía compartió un post en Facebook sobre perdonar a nuestros padres por los errores que cometieron y el dolor que pueden haber causado. Sé que para ella esto forma parte de su viaje de sanación para liberarse del estrés en su vida y sanar traumas pasados para poder curarse del cáncer en el presente. Sin embargo, es evidente que a alguien más que lo leyó le dolió y su airada respuesta fue que algunas personas no merecen nuestro perdón y que no es justo ni razonable pedirnos que las perdonemos.
Me compadezco de esta mujer, porque sus experiencias o las experiencias de alguien cercano a ella deben haber sido dolorosas para que albergue este nivel de resentimiento. Sin embargo, el perdón no tiene que ver necesariamente con los que te han hecho daño, sino más bien con hacer las paces con nosotros mismos.
Image courtesy of @lightcaptured
A menudo pensamos que perdonar a alguien es devolverle nuestra confianza y permitir que vuelva a nuestras vidas de forma que pueda volver a hacernos daño. Sin embargo, esto beneficia más a esa persona que a nosotros. Hay otro lado en el que podemos perdonarles, pero también elegir no volver a tenerles en nuestras vidas o trazar una línea sobre cómo pueden formar parte de nuestras vidas. Podríamos sacarlos de nuestras vidas sin perdonarlos, pero siempre guardaremos ese resentimiento y probablemente querremos verlos sufrir, castigados o cualquier otra solución que esperemos de ellos. Sin embargo, estas cosas no están bajo nuestro control y puede que nunca se haga justicia, así que esperarla nunca nos permitirá sanar y seguir adelante.
Cuando perdonamos podemos soltar ese resentimiento. No estamos diciendo que lo que hicieron estuvo bien, pero tampoco estamos permitiendo que lo que hicieron siga teniendo un control sobre nosotros, estén o no en nuestras vidas. Por mucho que queramos algún tipo de retribución o que se arrepientan de lo que hicieron, eso no está bajo nuestro control. Lo más probable es que hayan tenido sus propios problemas en la vida que les hayan llevado a ese punto. Eso tampoco está bajo nuestro control, así que elegir si perdonarlos o no es lo único sobre lo que tenemos control.
Al estrés lo llaman el asesino silencioso y afecta a nuestro metabolismo tanto como la dieta y la falta de actividad. Por desgracia, es una de las cosas más difíciles de controlar en nuestra vida. El estrés tiende a provenir de estímulos externos ante los que tenemos una reacción automática y comprensible. No podemos controlar esos estímulos, pero sí podemos encontrar métodos para controlar cómo respondemos y reaccionamos ante ellos. Dar un paso atrás emocionalmente puede ayudarnos a hacerlo.
Siempre que me encuentro con historias de personas que se han curado de un cáncer en el que los médicos han llegado a la conclusión de que no pueden hacer nada más para ayudarles, uno de los factores comunes es que han conseguido deshacerse de cualquier tipo de estrés en sus vidas. Dicen que el estrés es un asesino silencioso y este tipo de historias parecen confirmarlo. Así que creo que nos debemos a nosotros mismos el permitirnos dejar pasar las cosas estresantes y seguir adelante.
¿Tienes métodos que te ayuden a lidiar con el estrés, has conseguido curarte de traumas pasados o dejar de ser una persona muy estresada y ansiosa? Me encantaría leer sobre cualquier consejo o cosas que funcionaron para usted, ya sea aquí como un comentario o como un post (por favor etiquéteme si usted publica sobre él).
Dividers courtesy of @kattycrochet
It depends on the event. The triggering event can affect different areas of our lives: our physical health, our mental health, and our emotions... In the case of stress, for example, strenuous physical activity, exceeding one's actual physical capacity, can generate it. This can happen even to an Olympic athlete, who may experience periods of stress under specialized training. The interesting thing here is the physical capacity they develop, one of the reasons that can evoke admiration and fascination in their spectators for feats that leave a lasting impression. Thus, here we have established the development of "willpower," which allows us to persevere despite circumstances demanding physical efforts we initially couldn't control.
But if we shift the focus to a person suffering from obesity who wants to lose weight, whether to improve their health or physical appearance, the willpower to change their habits is completely different from that of an Olympic athlete. In my environment, I often hear people who always plan to lose weight but end up postponing it. Other people, when they feel love or affection for someone, start exercising more frequently; the appearance of that person can be reason enough to develop the willpower they initially lacked.
Those who carry their greatest weight mentally owe it to constant negative thoughts or overthinking that leads nowhere. This, I believe, is more associated with the clarity with which they perceive themselves and their environment, their biases or limiting beliefs, their assumptions, the work or social environment, and even comfort, all of which can generate mental discomfort and stress. In this case, it can be complicated to offer advice, because ideas, like emotions, can lodge in our minds for a long time; they are not a simple overnight change. Simply put, when it comes to mental situations, I think what can be done is to complement them and work on the other two aspects, the physical and the emotional, because being so focused on just one aspect, or hyperactivity in just one (in this case, the mental), will tend to perpetuate stress. By engaging in physical and emotional activities, mental overactivity can be stopped. If successful, the person may experience something like: "I didn't know I could develop such incredible strength, I feel full of vitality. I was so immersed in my thoughts that I didn't realize how my body could experience such a positive change."
And finally, the emotional aspect. People can also lack the emotional capacity to cope with stressful situations. The most frequent case to illustrate this is that of romantic breakups. A breakup can trigger changes that are difficult to manage at first, and this is normal, in the sense that it's not easy to separate from the person we love and cared for deeply. But here we return to the mental aspect: emotional overactivity due to the breakup. I believe the person needs to dedicate themselves to other activities, to expose themselves to various ones; it's not about finding the "ideal" and "absolute" activity on the first try, but about exploring to find them. It wouldn't be wise to constantly change activities either, because the person could experience the strange feeling of "nothing satisfies me," entering another emotional problem: "Since they left my life, nothing has been the same." But despite this, there has to be a beginning, a beginning of something completely different to live new experiences. Over time you will be able to determine what works and what doesn't, because persisting in the same emotional state makes change difficult.
I'll write a post. I hope you don't find my comment overwhelming.
Not overwhelming at all and very thought provoking. I look forward to reading your post as well.
I like that in your last paragraph you touch on some ideas of distraction from the pain of loss. This could go for grief too. I feel like it is effective, but more of a stop gap to survive the immediate loss, which still has to be addressed later at some point. Hopefully when we are in a better emotional position to address it.
I also like that you highlight the physical connections to stress. We often fail to connect the mental and physical in our bodies despite the fact that the are fully entwined.
It is true that forgiveness is not easy, but as you said, it's not about justifying what they did, but about freeing ourselves from the weight of resentment. Here in Venezuela, especially at a political level due to all the harm they cause us, we know that life can be tough, and resentment only traps us in a cycle of pain, anguish, and also stress.
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It doesn't mean we have to accept those people back into our lives, but we can choose not to carry that resentment. At the end of the day, health is the most important thing, and stress affects us more than we realize.
For more than 30 years, I held a lot of resentment towards my father because he abandoned us. But one day, when I had my daughter, my life changed, and when I had my second daughter, they would always ask about their grandfather with excitement about wanting to meet him. Thanks to them, I learned to forgive him and to forgive myself. Later, on a trip I made to the city where my father lived, I took my daughters to meet him. I couldn't take away their right to know him. I believe that on that day, I truly forgave him. By the way, I never told or shared with my daughters my pain towards my father.
I can understand that resentment towards your father and I'm glad you managed to let go of that. It's interesting how it's often our own children that help us change our perspective to take that step.
I can understand that. It's not their burden, after all, so they don't need to feel like they should shoulder it.
I love this. A very good perspective to have in such a tough situation
And how nice that we are dealing with the subject of forgiveness because it is healing.
We repeat like waterwheels the pains when we can make the attempt to understand those who hurt. They have a reason for what they do and, even if they don't recognize it, they need help.
Not only stress hurts us, not understanding, not empathizing and not being grateful, also hurts us.
My best method to lighten the load is to try to understand, the other, the circumstances, and look for the lesson. Taking everything with gratitude for one more lesson.
It costs but it can be achieved with constant work on oneself, with internal dialogue.
I loved your post.
My blessings and greetings to you.It's good to read you, @minismallholding
That's a good idea, even though it's not always easy to understand the circumstances of others. Sometimes we may never understand them, but we can still forgive and move on, however, it may be more challenging to do so.
Saludos cordiales desde Venezuela.Así es, @minismallholding
Beautiful post! I loved it! and I just did a workshop this weekend in which they made reference to this topic of forgiveness. The facilitator said that the art of forgiveness was not about freeing the other from what he had done, but rather to put love in that wound that was left open in us to get rid of that resentment, I found this vision of forgiveness beautiful.
I believe that many people close themselves to this process of forgiveness because they believe that with it they would be doing good to the one who caused them harm, and they do not see that they remain harboring that resentment that ends up being a poison for their soul.
I like to think about this vision of forgiveness that you bring us, and as I heard in this workshop “forgiveness is an act of love for oneself”.
Thank you for sharing your reflection with us ❤️
This is perfect. Those we forgive don't always even know or care if they are forgiven or not. They may not even know that their actions hurt anyone.
I love that this came near to the workshop you did. I often wonder if these things are brought to us when we most need them or are most ready to receive them
I've been trying to practice a kind of forgiveness. I've been harbouring resentment for all the zillions of people on the beaches near me this summer. Grrr. But I have to flip it and tell myself they have a right to enjoy the beach too, and isn't it LOVELY they get to enjoy it, and before lomg the stress I've been GIVING MYSELF disappears. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we bring about our own anxiety and illness and stress - we have the power to see things differently. Often it's not about us at all.
I always find it remarkable that people can forgive those who have caused them untold harm, like drunk drivers killing their kids, you know? It takes some compassion to do that, and to realize that holding onto anger, resentment, grief, whatever - can cause ultimately more harm than the act itself, in many cases.
We do, for sure, but it's not an easy thing to recognise or fix. Often our instincts can completely turn against us in this regard.
Yes, for a long time I couldn't understand people forgiving others for things like that. You can't change what's happened, though, so at some point you have to make a choice between allowing it to destroy you or healing from it. Ultimately it's not even about them and they will probably never know whether you forgive them or not.
Saludos, tema súper interesante y que me llama mucho la atención porque en estos tiempos necesitamos mucho sanar. El perdón es increíblemente sanador, rencor y perdón van tomados de la mano y son sentimientos que enferman. "Ama a tu prójimo como a ti mismo". Cuan difícil es hacer esto y que fácil a la vez, solo es perdonar, cuando lo haces es como si te quitaras una mochila llena de piedras, sientes como si tú carga se hace más ligera. Cuando guardamos rencor no podemos ser felices, inconscientemente estamos al pendiente de esa persona observando el momento de que tropiece y caiga pero no nos damos cuenta que estamos descuidando nuestras propias vidas. Por eso aconsejo el perdón, aunque no seamos capaces de olvidar porque corremos el riesgo de repetir los mismos errores y ya ese sería otro tema. Perdona, deja ir, se siente bien con uno mismo y con el resto del mundo.
Gracias por la publicación, tema con tela por donde cortar, amerita un post.
Que pases buen fin de semana y bendiciones.
This is such a good analogy. I remember when I chose to forgive it was like taking that burden off and leaving it behind.
What a great exposition on this subject you have just shared with us, you have handled it in a very spontaneous way. You know forgiving is not easy, but it is not impossible either, we just have to dare to decide to live in peace with ourselves, shake off our resentments and not be anchored to those painful memories.
Now, many times we think that we can forgive and live in peace and when we see that person again everything turns upside down, forgiveness is not just a word is an action and decision, the action is to live and perhaps remember that painful episode of your life and not let it hurt you, see yourself as a person strengthened because you managed to overcome.
Well that has a lot of content to address, I will try to share a writing.
Greetings and thanks for giving us this pearl @minismallholding
I look forward to reading if you find the time to write.
El arte de perdonar, justamente me pasó este año anterior con una amiga muy querida, la apreciaba muchísimo, pero, sentí en un punto que no estábamos en el mismo lugar, ella empezó a tener comentarios fuera de lugar que sinceramente no eran sanos para mí, supongo que de mi parte también ella vería algo, bueno jamás me lo dijo, y decidí yo misma perdonarla y seguir adelante, al principio me dolió muchísimo, pero, hay que desprenderse. Actualmente seguimos estando en contacto, pero, hay cierta distancia y las cosas que dice o hace ya no me molestan tanto como antes. Simplemente deje de controlarlo.
That was sad that such a good friendship had to change in this way. I'm glad you found a healthy way to move on, though. Friendships often change through life, but they all touch our lives and make us who we are. So it is better to try to retain some of the good from those experiences, even when the friendship is no longer the same
Greetings, I agree with you, many times forgiving means not being the same with that person who caused you harm, we are simply taking a step to heal our wounds and take a step towards our healing, many fail to understand this, when we forgive we are the ones who benefit the most because we free ourselves from negative feelings that destroy our lives over time. I have always thought that the best remedy for soul is to let go of what disturbs us.
I say goodbye wishing you success
I love this expression. It is just too stressful to keep holding onto all the negative
Tengo mucho que contar con respecto a este tema, así que próximamente escribiré al respecto. Es inimaginable lo que el estrés puede hacer en nosotros y muchas veces no nos damos cuenta. Perdonar es el mejor regalo que podemos darnos, nada fácil pero posible.
I look forward to reading your thoughts.
I really liked your publication. I also think that by forgiving we are helping ourselves. The most important thing about forgiving is that we get rid of resentments, a heavy burden that hurts us a lot.
Thank you for sharing dear @minismallholding . A big hug from Maracay.
Excellent post and one I will ruminate on for a while!
muy cierto lo que dices, buen post!
Excelente tema que me gustaría desarrollar, el perdón tal comp has explicado, tiene que ver con nosotros, con nuestra salud empcional, mental y física. Pronto haré mi publiación al respecto. Saludos.