I identify with you a lot since my first post when you commented, because we have some similar problems hehe, I felt very embraced by the community for being in an environment where people don't wear that mask that are perfect like instagram. and that motivated me to stay here, so i have a lot to thank @calumam.
And regarding Coach's spirit, sorry, but I have to ask, have you ever read "Outwithing the Devil"?
man, this book changed my life and today I'm no longer suffering from the problems of the past, if you've read it I would like to know your opinion if you haven't read it yet, here's a suggestion.