It all just clicked into place.
After years of being something else, I was unaware of my soul rattling around in my body, trying to find the right levers to twist and pull to release the mojo juice into my conscious being.
It's the weirdest good I've ever felt, full-stop.
This "clicking moment" happened on the last night of my mini-vacation. I was sitting alone, listening to some music, reading this post by @lols, and the feeling of clarity wrapped around me like the embrace of fresh bedsheets against bare legs.
I'd unlocked all my senses, my mind was open, and I could genuinely feel around me. Ever since this realisation, the whole universe has been setting up the dominoes for my intuition to engulf with vigour.
"Ahhh, I finally get what they are talking about."
It hasn't been an easy ride, but it wasn't top of the spectrum levels of difficulty by any means. I've had plenty of privileges throughout life, and even though I've squandered time and time again, I have still managed to find more in front of me.
This is where my ego comes into the situation. Reality as I see it is my own and no one else's, yet I understand the need to ground myself and figure out, at least on some level, if I am realistic and authentic to myself. We've all heard the stories of people who have started out on the right path, and then they've ended up back down the rabbit hole.
Self-reflection to understand where my morals lie is paramount to my own happiness and enjoyment of this wild ride we're on.
Everyone has their poisons.
There was a time when I was consuming far more than I could handle, and the darkness did a number on me that has taken almost half a decade to address. We're naive creatures without proper guidance and support, but we're genuinely remarkable when we can see this life for what it really is.
It just takes some time to figure that out for yourself.
My "awakening" process seems to have linked directly to some medication I was taking. It was for stabilising my mood and helping me to stay grounded while I built up the mental fortitude to handle some of the more debilitating thought processes and emotions acting in unison.
The initial thought I had was;
"That medication was stunting me. It was holding me back."
The reality was that although, yes, it was doing that in some way, it was a more abstract look that was needed. As I said, it was a stabiliser for my mood, and I didn't grow a dependency on it; I made my own fate.
Once the side-effects dissipated (I was on vacation, so they were barely noticeable), I was left with the most incredible thing.
Someone who I didn't recognise because he'd been gone for half a decade. It is fucking amazing.
Now alright look, I'm not going to turn into Tony Robbins, so for any of you self-help nuts out there, you can put your bits back in your pants. I'm just back to me, and it feels good. I don't need to tell anyone else how to live their life.
Well, maybe a couple of sentences to finish us off...
Don't get yourself disheartened by squandered opportunities, past regrets, or borrowed time; just soldier on and do your thing. Don't sweat the small stuff (easier said than done, I know). Rock out with your cock out (just make sure it's within the confines of your own home... story for another day material).
Alrighty, let's just archive this as; "the time calumam almost became a wackjob guru"
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Lovely moment of self reflection, I kinda felt like you'll have time to do this on your holiday. I can see your angel, i've had to depend on some medications almost throughout my life. Although this isn't to help me maybe mentally, mine was to help me stay healthy. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the hustle of life, it's like we're losing our identity. Truth is, I try as much as possible to life my life, stay dar away from stress in other to maintain a good health and mind as well. I mostly live in the moment because I can't change the past and sometimes we need that time off to set ourselves straight up.
I'm taking more little breaks more often now, lol. It was a true revelation.
Very true. That word "hustle" is a double-edged sword. It's great to knuckle down and grind it out, but on the other hand, it can leave you disconnected from what really matters in life. In the end, it's just a word, not a lifestyle.
I can get down with that. Is that reflected in your posts? I've always wondered what your writing process is. Do you plan first or just go with the flow?
Sometimes I go with the flow, sometimes I plan, it depends on the conditioning, my experience in life has taught me to never be dependent on a single methodology as life itself is a different puzzle every of our lives and it's left for us to be one step ahead for the purposes of survival by all means.
Life is that old cycle of comings and goings.
We reinvent, come back, learn and make mistakes. But it is in these moments of self-reflection that we realize whether we are really learning to live or just following an automatic path without having a sense of direction.
I knew you didn't just wear that hat and sunglasses because it looks cool ;)
Very grounding words, it's important to not get ahead of ourselves. There are plenty of unknown corners in life.
In real life I wear a real hat xD
I just don't need the glasses at the moment haha
Maybe i should get one of those vacations to clear my head. i am currently in a place far from my usual habitat (in search of a new one). It is has been both calming and stressful, but mostly tranquil. It feels good to be away from everything familiar for a while.
This is something I have struggled with but I have learnt to forgive myself and move forward with my life. the universe has been kind to me and I have try to repay this kindness by being the best version of myself.
It's needed, I think. Maybe something about brain wiring and how we become trapped in a feedback loop when we're given the same stimulus. I'm just guessing here though, I don't know the facts, lol.
Anything you've shared in a previous post? I'd like to read about it if it's something you've shared.
i would have to unearth the post. it has been a while since I spoke about it. or I can revisit the topic again in an new post
Well if you do revisit it, save it for the week after next! (I have some fairly outrageous news upcoming for next week)
hmm...interesting. looking forward to it
What a beautiful testimony! I'm glad it was the first post I saw today on Proof of Brain. Glad you found yourself... These moments are always magical. I hope you don't miss this.
Me too, it's very strange, lol. I was in my late teens when I last felt close to "myself", but the weirdest thing is that all the ups and downs have shaped this new character within. I'm still getting used to him!
Such a personal post, @calumam.
Dare (always) to be yourself anywhere in the world. The world already has too many people thinking, talking and acting in very similar ways.
I totally agree. I'd say I do, lol.
Couple days ago I went on a bike ride and went through the park near my house. Heard a guy playing guitar and thought "oh, i'll go check that out", ended up sitting with him for 30-40 minutes playing guitar and teaching him some stuff since he was learning. The world is what we make of it.
You should go for vacations more often lol, am sure it LL take a while to get over it. I should go for one too, I bet I need that break away from the kids😊
I identify with you a lot since my first post when you commented, because we have some similar problems hehe, I felt very embraced by the community for being in an environment where people don't wear that mask that are perfect like instagram. and that motivated me to stay here, so i have a lot to thank @calumam.
And regarding Coach's spirit, sorry, but I have to ask, have you ever read "Outwithing the Devil"?
man, this book changed my life and today I'm no longer suffering from the problems of the past, if you've read it I would like to know your opinion if you haven't read it yet, here's a suggestion.
Glad you lifted the first veil ;) And, btw there's more to come... if you stay open-minded. Tony is a beast. His UPW is absolutely life-changing and highly recommended.
It's been mind-blowing. I'm going to keep on sailing along as I have been and I'll see what comes around, I'm in no rush, just going to soak it all in and see where I end up.
Tony Robbins is a legend, he's just the easiest memeable target lol. I read Awaken the Giant back in my obsessive days of self-help. These days I stay away because of the past (maybe some light reading here and there would be beneficial, although I will be extremely cautious about what I read).
Do you and stay true to yourself. That's it basically.
Are you sure? That was my response before I even read the full post.
Love this self reflection and moment of realisation, welcome back to you my friend, there is only the one you, so enjoy, with your cock out and all lol xxxx
Oh yes, I am sure, lol. Not enough patience for that.
I'm loving it Aish, and I can't wait to see what the future has in store. Patience though...
Wave your bits in the air like you just don't care
swing low sweet chariots, the vibes are poppin'
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STOPAt the beginning of the reading, I thought I was reading a poem novel. You have a gift for writing in those genres I think...hahahahaha
Sometimes we realize things in the most unexpected moments and definitely, everyone chooses how to act and live. We are not "gurus" even for ourselves otherwise we wouldn't make mistakes. Nothing is really a certain way, but it depends on the perspective and expectation of each one.
Life has to be lived with our successes and mistakes that in turn give us sorrows and joys, and each one of us has enough strength to move forward, only that sometimes we do not realize it...until awareness arrives at the most unexpected moment.
I thought it was a good read. What an experience yours was! Regards
I strongly believe in this. Someone coming and guiding you all the time will never make you a good chef. It's when you keep trying, mixing and matching different ingredients and finally one day, its the best dish you have ever cooked. Self learning is what makes a man.
Great thoughts!
This is very good. Life really starts (again) when we remember we are here. Sobriety helps lots in the remembering. Presence is still hard to attain on a moment to moment level, when you are truly present, it is pretty cool. I think that is what you are trying to describe.
Hey guru, how r things :-)?
I somehow didn't read this post before but just did now.
The recognition in your words is pretty astonishing. I feel the same.
Lost in a haze of pseudo personalities and then unexpectedly the clarity comes and shows you, yourself. It's so vulnerable isn't it?
I am in the thick of depression at the moment and have to keep reminding myself it's a black dog (Youtube Depression Black Dog if you don't know what I mean) that's just on the ride with me but it's not me. It's not I, Ashley.
You have a way with words Cal!
Well done, mate! It's heartening to read about your experience. I've battled deep, long lasting depressions in my past, and in the middle of one of them, I downloaded a bunch of videos from Tony Robbins. One simple thing he showed me was about the power I have to control my mood. Luckily I haven't had any serious battles with depression in years. More recently, I've had some existential crises that were as hard to go through, but I've devoted myself to the truth and that seems to be the cost. Life is a constant work in progress, but I currently find myself in a van in the woods in my favorite place in the world and feeling ready to meet all of life's challenges. Even recently, I had to pull myself back from bad habits that were causing me some pretty serious anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. I am in the process of purifying my body of toxins and that has been playing a major part in a transformation on a few levels. Thanks for sharing your experience and listening to mine.
Fuck yeah, this comment is dope. Respect level increased. A toast for sharing and embracing ourselves first.
I get that vibe, lol. I had a major existential crisis yesterday (quite terrifying), but I kicked "fears" ass, met a dog called Cosmo, made huge changes, made a new friend and spoke face-to-face in depth about the intricacies of life and what it holds, plus more (the details are astounding). It's what we make of it. Life is a trip.
This is extremely important, good to hear that. Let us know how it goes.