I struggle with solitude a lot. What I mean is, though I enjoy my space, I don't want to be alone. I believe I don't want to interact with people but I want their voices, their warmth around me. Is this normal?
I recently rented a place in Benin city. I picked a part of the city that has a poor road system. Cars can barely get in and when it rains, it is inaccessible. I love the place. I can be myself, walk around nude in my apartment, get high, get real low, cook, eat out, smoke to my heart's content without worrying about someone bursting in on me unannounced. It is normal for folks to visit you without calling first over here. It is normal for your parents to appear out of the blue with a packed bag.
Solitude for me is that silence of night when everyone sleeps and the sounds are distant and indecipherable. That time when you can hear your breathing and your thoughts, when all the performance is not needed. That is my best time to write and think. There are other times when my lover will be right beside me and I will feel so alone. This is not solitude, I think. It is a more negative emotion and dangerous for me. When I feel like that I begin to think dangerous thoughts.
I envy people who have access to safe solitary spaces in this world and have the money to go there. I wish I could go some place where it is just me and the mountain air, the straggling trees, a cold stream that freezes sometimes and birds. I will watch the sky come down in clumps of dew, the way the sun hides behind the shadows of mountains, the ice chipped river, animals making their way through their own dilenmas. I believe I will learn more about myself in such a place than in a boisterous city.
In truth, I feel like since I moved to my own place, my writing has improved in sense of structure and story telling. I feel a little bit disconnected from myself anyhow and the same sacrilegious thoughts still stir in my soul but I am writing and reading better and for me that is worth more than gold. So silence for me is truly golden. I go days without saying a word even though I hold a continual conversation in my head, interacting with everything I see.
What I have not dared yet is to put off my phone. I am afraid that if I do so, something bad will happen. I am afraid that if I put off my phone, I might not have the willpower to put it on again. So I still linger behind the scenes, like a vouyer, listening to people talk, live their lives and try to find laughter among the debris of existence.
I am presently working on a collection of eleven poems. The poems are my reaction to something I saw on Netflix some days ago. I think it is one of the most chilling things I have seen on television. I am up to eight poems now and will hopefully be done with the remaining three this week. I am writing a dark thing and I know it and it worries me but not as it should and that is the biggest worry; that I'm comfortable in this skin of dark thoughts, twisted fancies. How did I become this cynical, pessimist; this warped?
I intend to leave the poems untitled and instead just use a general title for the collection. I do not know where to submit it yet and I feel like it won't be accepted because I am telling a story that does not belong to me. In so many ways, in writing these poems, I am telling stories of myself and of you, my reader, who knows what it means to be manipulated, twisted and forsaken.
It is solitude that has enabled me to write these poems. One thing I have come to learn about solitude is, it is expensive to maintain. To live a solitary life means to have money to maintain your distance from other persons around you. How do I do this? It is crypto that has made it possible. I have spent this year creating a space where I can be who I want to be, unecumbered by family obligations, love, friendship, work. It is hard. It is very hard and sometimes, unsafe for me. But I love it. I love knowing that if I am tired of humanity, there's a place I can go to and I will find the solitude I hunger for.
I thought maybe I will write a poem but it ended up being an essay. But here, a poem to keep you far into this night:
Terror of being alone
The solitary branch in the wind,
The bird of broken wings perched
On the leaf, the bead of river on the tip
Drowsy paddling down the waterfall.
The cacophonic tongues of many waters,
All that sparkle in the light, a camera
Shy in that independent moment,
Not sure if at the bottom, a life raft
Will lift body from pleasure into heaven.
It is this solitude that a prophet wanders,
Lost from his god, broken from the stalk,
Spine twisted with rust & warping
Of salt stained wood. He wanders
Seeking any groove, any mountain
That holds something holy, aloof,
Uncontested; somewhere a stone
For pillow, a carpet of dead leaves
For bed & feet will suffice.
O prophet where is your body?
How will you soar before heaven
To hear your god's anger & pain?
A solitary dog barks at the night.
He hungers for the passing season,
For the hunt, for the hand that
Once held his collar. The downtrodden
Path awaits all who come to
The mountain to pray. At the top,
The fire burns into the char of
Bones & prayers. This place
Is in the eye of that branch,
That bird, that solitary leaf
Floating on a frozen river.
This is a good place as any
To peel chrysalis from skin
& Like any pupae become something
More than a poet, than a prophet,
Than a terror struck soul.
There, I have given you something of myself. I have conversed with you this night. This is not an easy thing to say but you are a friend and this is important today. I love you and I hope that you are happy. Good night.
This was a great read. I like my solitude too although sometimes it becomes too crushing and I have to go back to civilization and say hello to another human :)
Nicely written!
!PIZZA
Yeah I get that
Many a time when I'm reading your post, I find myself going YOU SAY WHAT WE'RE ALL THINKING!
hahaha
On your collection of eleven poems, I have to ask; was the inspiration Squid Game? If it was, I agree that really was a very dark and chilling show. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, though.
Your poem was wonderful. When I read poems like that, I know it must come from a true place in your life.
No it's not based on Squid game which I have not been able to watch beyond the first few scenes. I find it hard to deal with helplessness on screen or even when an underdog keeps getting rubbed into the mud no how they try.
It is based on a docuseries I recently saw in Netflix. Disturbing really and has made me question so many things, well continue to question.
I am glad you enjoy my poems. It is the pleasure I get from writing. Thank you
I totally understand. When I explained the plot to my mom, she said she'd never be able to watch it because she can't stand that they took advantage of vulnerable people.
I see her point, but I'm most definitely desensitized to that kind of media haha.
Some people don't want to be alone even if they belong to the extreme introvert category. I have tried that but failed. However, while doing something creative I need a peaceful environment. But you know what, while I am in my workplace nothing distracts me because I can adjust to the working environment. Found via #dreemport
Yeah at the end we don't really want to be alone all the time. I think my own situation is more about avoiding emotions and interactions than being alone. I am fine if you are around me but not forcing me into an interaction with you. Once an interaction happens, it is expected to continue. So the day I decide to be alone, minding my business, I am labelled a snob. Happened many times. So I don't even make friends anymore.
This piece is a morning therapy for me and I had a great read throughout. It's not wrong to feel something funny anyways, what's more dangerous is to feel nothing when something is around.
That aspect needs to be build up so that life could balance up.
I came here via @dreemport
I am glad.
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I am intrigued to see your collection of 11 poems although I am not a great writer and do not write poems I do enjoy reading them
I also enjoy having solitude and a place where I can do anything I want as you say
I can be myself, walk around nude in my apartment, get high, get real low, cook, eat out, smoke to my heart's content without worrying about someone bursting in on me unannounced.
And that’s why when I lived by myself I always looked fir places that offered me the privacy to do just that
I found my way here via #dreemport
I also enjoy solitude, I pretty much fell into depression recently because I could never be alone so I understand how you feel.
Your poem was a beautiful one.
@dreemport brought me here.
You and I can live together without talking to each other and breaching the silence we both appreciate.
I love solitude too. It makes me productive. The silence has a way of helping me accomplish more
My body feels shy when people are around so I tend to postpone things I would love doing because of the presence of another human.
Right here, I am planning towards gaining that solitude... The one you got by finding a place away from the noise
Yes, about shutting your phone, I do that almost all the time. Except that I will be cut off from vital information, I love it too.
I remember this time last year, I shut my phone off from my friends and family.... No, I sold it so I won't be tempted to open it. Then my country went through a major dead tolls and I wasn't aware. My family had to come in search of me in order to be sure I was okay.
Solitude is fine, but, we shouldn't let ourselves get used to it, I cautious myself again and again. Never build fortress around yourself, isolation is not good, one of my favorite author advices.
Hello. Solitude. It's something I've always longed for and try to rush to when I can. Growing up with lots of siblings, finding a quiet space of my own in a tiny house was non-existent. Someone was always invading my space. Well, the fact is, I had no space. The longing for quiet and solitude increased as I grew to adulthood.
But then I had to reconcile the fact that if I was to have a family of my own, solitude had to be compromised. Young children don't understand a parent's need for it. However, as they grew older and wanted their own space, only then did they come the realization of solitude and what it meant. One reason why I didn't have a large family of my own :)
Thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful article. I can relate.
Read through @dreemport
I tend to stay in doors all through the day without my neighbours knowing that I am at home. I prefer staying alone to socialising with people.. Guess I am an introvert..
Recently, I have been thinking about what will and can happen to me is my solitude state. I fear that something will happen to me without anyone knowing... Just like you, I don't ever want my phone to go off because its the best partner I have.y phone keeps me company all the time and that's the only best friend I have...
Am glad you are coming up with 11 powerful poems..can't wait to read them..
Make sure your lonely nature don't affect you though.
@dreemport directed me to your post
I am a social person at heart but I too love the solitude of the late-night hours, which I feel belong to me alone, and which allow my creativity to spark. I have had many conversations with myself into the small hours of the morning ;-) Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Your writing is an invitation into your soul and a reflection of it's depth. !LUV the poem too. The biblical analogy is fitting. Best post I have read today. !PIZZA I came to your post via @dreemport.