It's not easy to write something when you don't really feel like saying anything (even if inside you're a waterfall of emotions). Not easy at all. I don't want to make this exercise unnatural and forced. I will go slowly if I need to.
There are times when I feel that this very feeling is what pushes me to create. But other times, many times, it is the rock that sinks me. So well, here I am, trying to swim to the surface as dignified as possible hahaha.
I painted this self-portrait last year. It's part of a series that I think is still open. I don't know. I named it in English, thinking about it in English (I'm from Buenos Aires, Argentina, so I speak and think in Spanish). I made sure it had the meaning I wanted it to have and I hope I succeeded. It is called "The inner blue". I don't think there is a direct translation into my language. Please correct me if there isn't.
I really think it makes the sense I want it to make. Whoever reads me and has English as a native language can, again, correct me.
There is something there constant, anchored in (I think all) human depths. That deep sadness, for no apparent reason, perhaps linked to this meaninglessness to which we constantly try to find a meaning because otherwise, well, how can we go on?
This feeling, sometimes more intense, sometimes tinged with so many other subtleties that I won't enumerate because I don't want to fall so much into cheesiness (this is quite enough), has a lot to do with this painting. I always talk about the marks on the skin as a mark of life, traces, reflections of all that terrible tsunami that happens inside us but that we keep there, so as not to overflow, because we must continue to exist and coexist with others, in a polite, correct way. Because we cannot go through life leaving a trail of internal tragedies. I imagine us walking slowly, like a snail, leaving a slimy trail as we pass by of that which we try to keep inside. A pretty terrible image. If I made animated shorts I would make one of this. I'm picturing it right now, definitely, haha. I'm amazed at what comes up when I start writing sometimes. I think I'll close on the third line but suddenly things pop out of I don't know where and the writing continues.
Back to the marks. I'm not just talking about the passage of time, old age. I speak of the marks metaphorically. And I paint them metaphorically as well. That's why I have to say that this one I'm showing you is definitely a self-portrait. From back then, from several other "back then".
Well, I stop writing. Again I tried and once again failed in this not being so cheesy when writing. Hahaha, terrible. Let's laugh so as not to cry.
Cheers!
- No es nada fácil sentarse a escribir algo cuando realmente no sientes que tienes ganas de decir nada (aunque por dentro seas una catarata de emociones). Nada fácil. No quiero hacer de este ejercicio algo antinatural y forzado. Iré despacio si eso necesito.
Hay veces en que siento que este mismo sentimiento es el que me impulsa a crear. Pero otras veces, muchas, es la piedra que me hunde. Así que bueno, aquí estoy, tratando de nadar a la superficie lo más dignamente posible jajja.
Este autorretrato lo pinté el año pasado. Es parte de una serie que creo que aún sigue abierta. No lo sé. Le puse un nombre en inglés, pensándolo en inglés (yo soy de Buenos Aires, Argentina, por lo tanto hablo y pienso en español). Me aseguré de que tuviera el sentido que quería que tuviera y espero haberlo logrado. Se llama “The inner blue”. Creo que no hay una traducción directa a mi idioma. Corríjanme por favor si no es así.
En verdad creo que tiene el sentido que quiero que tenga. Quien me lea y posea el inglés como lengua nativa puede, nuevamente, corregirme.
Hay algo ahí constante, anclado en (creo que todas) las profundidades humanas. Esa profunda tristeza, sin motivo aparente, tal vez ligado a este sinsentido al que constantemente intentamos encontrarle un sentido porque sino, pues ¿cómo seguir?
Este sentimiento, a veces más intenso, otras veces teñido de tantas otras sutilezas que no enumeraré porque no quiero caer ya tanto en lo cursi (con esto suficiente), tiene mucho que ver con esta pintura. Siempre hablo de las marcas sobre la piel como marca de vida, rastros, reflejos de todo ese terrible tsunami que nos pasa dentro pero que mantenemos ahí, por no desbordarnos, porque hay que seguir existiendo y coexistiendo con otros, de manera cortés, correcta. Porque no podemos andar por la vida dejando un rastro de tragedias internas. Nos imagino caminando lentamente, como un caracol, dejando un rastro baboso al pasar de eso que intentamos que se quede adentro. Una imagen bastante terrible. Si hiciera cortos animados haría uno de esto. Me lo imagino en este momento, definitivamente, jaja. Me sorprende lo que surge cuando empiezo a escribir a veces. Pienso que cerraré en el tercer renglón pero de repente salen cosas de no sé dónde y la escritura continúa.
Volviendo a las marcas. No me refiero solamente al paso del tiempo, a la vejez. Hablo de las marcas metafóricamente. Y las pinto metafóricamente también. Por eso tengo que decir que este que les muestro definitivamente es un autorretrato. De aquel entonces, de varios otros “aquel entonces”.
Bueno, dejo de escribir. Nuevamente intenté y una vez más fallé en esto de no ser tan cursi al escribir. Jajaja, terrible. A reír para no llorar.
Salut!
This work is more approachable than some others that explore this theme and imagery.
Your writing certainly isn't cheesy. It is authentic and full of struggle, which is the very topic you have tried to discuss.
That makes it even more important to share.
Thank you for taking the time and reading me. I think in this latest series I have been more literal, to say the least, than in previous works. I always felt that with my work I was exposing myself to the world in an almost extreme way. That's why I feel that with my writing I've finished dropping the last veil that served me as a shield. Difficult, and even more so in a space open to the public. I think that's why I feel it's cheesy, maybe thinking that these are things that I wouldn't share in a place like this and end up doing it makes me feel quite insecure.
Revealing those insecurities makes us feel vulnerable. When we are in that stage, I believe that is the only time we can truly be ourselves; the frightened child we always have been. It's okay to feel that way. We're all feeling that way at some point or another.
Your writing is wonderful and I can't believe that English is not your mother tongue. Keep it up as I notice not a hint of Cheese.
I believe you are correct about 'The Inner Blue'. I understand what you are trying to describe. We all have that side to our souls. I have become a master at trying to suppress it. Do I succeed? No, but I am able to hide it from most except my closest loved ones.
I like the image and although it is more readable than your other works there is lots to ponder below the surface.
So much to ponder!!! :D Yes. This work, this series, is of a more obvious literalness than many of my previous works, but as I said in the text, always painting metaphorically (if I may be allowed this contradiction).
I think if people who know me outside my artistic circle, read this, they would be so surprised! haha. As soon as they know my work they can't believe that this is also me. We build characters so elaborate and different from each other that sometimes I surprise myself. I think we are all those facets at the same time, definitely. But there's always one that prevails, which I think is the one that emerges when we face ourselves, in our solitude, or with our closest intimates. With all this what I want to say is that I understand you. :)
Thank you for taking away my doubt about whether I was right with the title of the work.
Sonia! gracias por escribir. No has sido cursi! jaja, has sido genial. Me encantan tus pinturas y definitivamente amé leerte, no pares por favor.
Aaaayyy!!! qué lindo lo que me escribís, y qué lindo que hayas pasado por acá y por Twitter :D
Te agradezco por lo que me escribís, un poquito cursi tal vez, pero aceptando lo que soy jajaa. Un beso!
Congratulations @soniaperez! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)
Your next target is to reach 200 replies.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out our last posts:
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!
Your work is so beautiful