He looked out of place, completely worn out, and gasping. It was as if the air has been cleared out of the room. He had an unsteady heartbeat, and the wriggling won’t stop, at least until the imaginary knot tied to his chest was completely loose. With an almost fractured left arm and a broken rib, his spines must have cried out for help the umpteenth time.
It hurts, but the pain had left his body, leaving him emotionless while still drenched in the pool of his sweat. He could swear he’d been to hell and back, and the heat from the infamous furnace had somehow stained his soul.
This wasn’t his first, going on such a journey, and he’s always managed to escape unhurt. But this whole setup, in particular, felt somehow strange. It felt more like the devil’s ingenious had him tight, this time, by the balls.
The seizure happened again, the size of an earthquake capable of bringing annihilation and despair in its wake. His eyes rolled over, and the blue pairs allowed the white part full rein. He could feel a groping somewhere around his neck, stifled, the memories played out again, but this time in a very slow fashion.
There he was, staring hard at the family photo. He didn’t understand why he’d picked it up in the first place. It was strictly instinctive. He made a complete U-turn to look at everybody present for the ceremony. Beams of laughter, smile, and happiness flashed about. His cousin had just given birth and the whole family had gone over to celebrate. They were all happy, except for him, the black sheep in the family.
This was his first, joining in on their reunion after he left home a couple of years back. He had a great family, but for some reason, he didn’t belong, and it didn’t seem he will at any point fit in with the rest either.
His thoughts were all murky, he needed alone time to clear his head, like always. Even so, his disposition was misrepresented like always. Everyone in the family believed that loneliness used to be his thing, and he loved every bit of it. And they hated him for that one flop in their judgment.
He yanked the balcony door open which went closing behind him as he makes his exit to the nearby plantation. He figured he’d stuck around long enough, longer than he had done in two decades combined, and not even one had looked in his direction. He knew he had made some mistakes in the past, but at least, he’s been trying each day to make up for it, putting everything on the line to make it work. He had never felt so unwanted, so unneeded before.
He also had news to share, a bad one, but just didn’t know how to share it with the others. He’d just been diagnosed with cancer a few months back, and it took a great deal of courage to show his face again, hoping to get reunited with his loved ones. His thoughts seemed centered on things that usually don’t matter to him, perhaps he only just realized how grave his mistakes were. He was out in the cold far too long, and his blanket (family) won’t even shield him. He knew he’d lost the battle on all front. He only had a couple of days, maybe months left to live.
He’d be gone, and not even a single person will notice. That made him sad. Lonely and alone, what a gruesome way to die. Time was of the essence; he’d rest just before that final breath leaves his body. Swept off his feet by the evening breeze, he’d been ferried to what seems to be his go-to destination after death. He’d been a good person all his life. He wasn’t surprised, it was just as he had expected.
He’d been in the cold far too long, and he figured he’d pitch his tent for a while to get heated in the fiery heat of hell. He saw himself as a traveler on a journey to paradise, but the devil understood better, his cravings for warmth and acceptance are but a detour that leads right back to his princely domain. He’d make him too good an offer to refuse. He’d flaunt before his face, a three-bedroom mansion he had built in his name. He’d go as far as offering him a way out of his misery. And when fingers snap, it’d all go down, just like he wanted it to.
The groping persisted, then he realized too late, he had flown too close to the sun. He feared for his waxed wing-pairs, and then a very loud clang in what happened to be the sound after a great plummet zaps him into an eternity of anguish where he once was the devil’s guest, except this time he owned a mansion in his name, earned by a clouded judgment and a misguided statement “what is left to live for?”.
He was selfish to the end. Days, weeks, and months rolls unto the next, cancer came to claim him as promised but he was no more. He’d taken judgment into his own hands. Snuffed life out of his own body by hanging on a rope. For him, paradise remained a myth, timelessly adjusting to his newfound home, again in a place where he never belonged.
Fun story and interesting ideas! If you'd like feedback I'm happy to offer you a pointer or two based on what you wrote, I don't want to give unsolicited advice!
Please feel free to. I'd really like that!
Try to stick to the same tense, you jumped around a few times between the present and past tense e.g. 'It was as if the air has been cleared out of the room' should instead read:
'It was as if the air had been cleared out of the room. I used to make this mistake frequently so I spotted it straight away 😅
Make sure to check through your grammar as well, one example is the following:
'They were all happy, except for him, the black sheep in the family.' should instead read:
'They were all happy, except for him, the black sheep of the family.'
Try to avoid repeating the same word or phrase near one another e.g.
'His thoughts were all murky, he needed alone time to clear his head, like always. Even so, his disposition was misrepresented like always.' could instead be something like the following:
'His thoughts were all murky, he needed alone time to clear his head, a regular occurrence these days. Even so, his disposition was misrepresented, like always.'
Keep improving and giving it your all! 😊