Image by StarShopping from Pixabay
“Gracie,” seven-year-old Amanda Ludlow said to her best friend eight-year-old Gracie Trent, “could we please ask the Lord to bless about a gallon of water, and make it holy, because, um, reasons!”
“Edwina's other grandparents and aunts and uncles calling again?” Gracie said.
“Cousins,” Amanda said. “It's not about to be cute, fun, or safe, because Edwina has the phone, and was looking through Grayson's vocabulary words, and then Papa is going to get the phone, and then who knows. At least my other grandparents really know Papa is not to be played with, but Edwina's people don't get it!”
“We better ask the Lord to bless two gallons,” Gracie said. “Next to messing with my Jubilee people, messing with Ludlows and Lees is probably the most dangerous things you can do in Lofton County, but, we gotta get the Lord involved, because nobody really needs to be on the six o'clock news!”
“Yeah, I know, but I feel like we are the only ones who get it!” Amanda said.
“Well, let's pray over three dozen little bottles, and make sure everybody gets one and some get two – because – uh oh, it's starting,” Gracie said.
“Listen, I'm a Ludlow – ain't nobody over here implying nothing!” Edwina bellowed in her already huge contralto. “There's no implication -- you hear me! My real grandfather is going to pack y'all in for this, and I'm going back to my gardening and grow flowers for your funeral!”
“We're praying Peter's prayer when he was drowning on the sea – Lord, help us!” Gracie said as she and Amanda quickly guzzled down a bottle and then started passing the bottles out to Gracie's family members.
“Drink this and protect yourself – don't ask questions – just drink it because you gotta be safe and it's gonna get worse!” Amanda said.
Meanwhile, at the Ludlow home, Capt. R.E. Ludlow put his hand out for the phone.
“Give me the phone, Edwina.”
She did with a grin.
“Get' em, Papa!”
“Hi, Cousin Sharon? This is Capt. R.E. Ludlow, Edwina's other grandfather. Can you get your grandfather Tristan on the phone for three-way really quick? Thank you.”
Everybody heard what was said next, for Edwina's already mighty voice was the analog of her grandfather's truly colossal basso profundo.
By this time, eleven-year-old Eleanor and ten-year-old Andrew Ludlow were on the porch evacuating all siblings not Edwina.
“Go! Go! Go!”
“It's the end of the world!” nine-year-old George Ludlow said as he ran to the Trent porch to get his water. “Crazy Town decided it needed to call over here, and there goes the neighborhood!”
Sure enough …
“TRISTAN! HOW MANY MORE OF YOUR RELATIVES DO YOU NEED ME TO BURY BEFORE YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD THAT I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT YOU AND YOURS ARE NOT GOING TO BE BOTHERING EDWINA!”
“See, we just shoulda dropped a nuclear bomb!” Amanda said. “They would have been safer and it would have hurt less!”
“BUT NO! I'VE BEEN TO EIGHT WEEKS OF THERAPY! I'M GOING TO HIT Y'ALL WHERE IT HURTS – I”M SUING EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR HARASSMENT, AND THAT MEANS, TRISTAN, THAT THERE'S GOING TO BE DISCOVERY – YOUR WHOLE MISERABLE FAMILY'S LIFE HISTORY IS GOING TO BECOME A PUBLIC RECORD! WHO KNOWS WHAT LAW ENFORCEMENT IS GOING TO FIND IN THERE, EH, COUSIN SHARON?
“Look, they need to skip town,” nine-year-old Milton Trent said. “They need to skip the state, the country, the planet, and if anyone can get them a quick ride out of the Solar System, they really need to do that.”
“Oh, it's too late for all that,” Eleanor said. “Papa gets on a whole 'nother level when anybody messes with us. He gave Grandpa Tristan three warnings. Grandpa Tristan didn't follow through. It's over for all of them. They are about to be broke, busted, and disgusted, and they all deserve it.”
“Yeah, see, because when Papa says NO, you are going to hear that!” five-year-old R.E. Ludlow III, also known as Lil' Robert, said. “I'd go back him up with the Robert Edward Ludlowness also vested in me, but, see, I don't think anybody could hear me over there right now. I'm loud, but my vest is not that big yet – next week, though!”
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO EDWINA'S FOSTER PARENTS? YOU HAVE ALL SIGNED UP TO FIND OUT! GET READY!”
“I guess this evening will be all of them notifying each other as they are each other's next-of-kin,” eleven-year-old Velma Trent said as she put her arms around crying Eleanor. “I know you wanted it to work out, Ellie, but you really are well out of there because they really don't get it.”
“Correction,” Andrew said as he hugged Eleanor on her other side. “They just got it!”
“I gotta do a bunch of blueprints,” Grayson said. “Poor houses are nicer to build than funeral homes, though.”
“I gotta get some of this water over there!” Amanda said. “Grandma is still over there, and Papa and Edwina don't know they need this, but they do!”
“Y'all can borrow my wagon,” Grayson said, and dumped his Legos out on the porch so his sister and Gracie could load it up with bottles of holy water.
Surprise, surprise …
“There will be no further problems, because if you really want to get people's attention, hit them in their money,” Capt. Ludlow was calmly explaining to Edwina when Amanda, Grayson, and Gracie arrived. “By the time they see what lawyers cost, and realize they have no chance, they will beg me to settle out of court, and that way, we will get what are called legal stipulations with penalties. After that, every call costs them money. They are trying to get to the money they know you are going to inherit from the Ludlow Bubbly – they are not trying to pay money out. So, that will be the end of all that.”
“I don't understand any of that, except, you're my hero!” Edwina said, and started bawling in her grandfather's lap … but she was refreshed by the two little bottles of water she received, and was soon asleep between her also well-hydrated grandparents.
“Whew,” Amanda said. “That was close!”
“Yeah,” Grayson said as he opened another bottle and handed it to her.
“Ain't it the truth,” Gracie said as she opened another bottle and handed it to Grayson. “Thanks for the wagon train, Grayson – that was just enough to get everything calmed down.”
“I'm an engineer and I'm here to help,” he said. “Plus, I'm a Ludlow, and I gotta live with Edwina, so, I gotta help myself, too.”
People need to learn that Capt Ludlow does not mess around when it comes to his. I hope he just taught them a costly lesson.
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Oh, like Andrew said, "They just got it!"
The sad part is, these are Edwina's mother's relatives. They could have been involved all along, but they have their own struggles with addiction, and now that she and the rest are going to be heirs, they want a toehold with her and her true siblings Lil' Robert and Eleanor. But their Ludlow grandfather will not have it.