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“I mean, it's definitely safer for us to not have Papa just wrecking people's worlds with that instant heart attack voice for calling here like a fool,” nine-year-old George Ludlow said, “but I don't know if it's any safer for them to have him smiling, using Google while they go on and on, and then rubbing his hands together.”
“Oh, it's not,” eleven-year-old Velma Trent from next door said.
“Ain't it the truth,” Velma's eight-year-old sister Gracie said. “See, your grandfather is working with our grandfather and learning: hit them in their assets!”
“Well, I want to thank you, Mr. Fritz, for calling on behalf of your daughter I am already suing for harassment of my family, and telling me at the top of your rather weak tenor about how your family got here in 1661 and your family business was first established in 1721 and is worth this, that, and the other. I thank you because I can now add you to the lawsuit for harassment, and next year your company can reach its 300th anniversary under new ownership: mine!”
“Oh no,” George said.. “I know that man just went on and had that heart attack!”
“Ain't it the truth,” Gracie said as Velma just shook her head.
“I've been telling y'all,” she said. “Ain't no safety when you mess with our grandparents, inside or outside the house!”
“Because, see, Mr. Fritz, there's something called discovery, and, see, there's something called a judgment creditor.”
“He's hitting him with the Lil' Robert talk!” Gracie said.
“I gotta see if I have enough flowers in the garden for the funeral spray,” Velma said, “because if Big Robert at 58 is playing with you at his five-year-old namesake's level, you are a mouse in the mouth of a lion, and he's just enjoying the mouth feel of you before swallowing you.”
“Your daughter, Mr. Fritz, is broke, and so are a lot of other people in the suit – but you, sir, are about to make this whole thing worth my lawyers' while! Maybe I'll let them take it over, and retire themselves! Wouldn't that be a wonderful way to celebrate the 300th anniversary of your first-established-in-1721 business? Or did you want to apologize and forget you have my number and stay out of my earshot before I take every dime you have?”
There was a long silence, and then Capt. R.E. Ludlow's humorless double-deep chuckle filled the air.
“Yes, I suppose you did speak in a bit of haste, and I will forgive it – once,” he said. “By the way, just so you know, Richard Lea got here in 1660. I am his descendant through Grandee Lee – that's right, Hilda Lee Slocum-Bolling, with whom your grandfather got fresh and got knocked clean out in 1942! But you just thought you were going to call over here to Grandee Lee's favorite grandson and not get knocked clean out because of whatever your family was doing in 1661 and 1721? You forgot 1942, but you can remember 2020 and tell your family that they had better leave everyone and everything named Ludlow alone!”
“You know, he was safer to everyone else when he was booming that voice,” Velma said. “I don't know if the world is ready for him in this form!”
“Yeah, Papa leveled up in therapy!” George said. “It's like he can focus the heart attack vibes now! I'm good, but I know that man is not!”
“Ain't it the truth,” Gracie said, “but like Grandma Jubilee also says to some of our relatives like that, sometimes you gotta thank God you are alive another day to learn how to stop acting a fool.”
“Yep, because when you call here on some foolishness,” George said, “you're gonna learn because our adults are the professors, this is a college, and class is always in session!”