im going to be critical on this, with caSE, as haiku are generally all lowered, unless proper nouned.
it also doesnt appear to compleat, as a haiku would, with a sort of final gesture or windful wistful blist of logic or heart felt lossy gain. perhaps i picked up my haiku from this book of dead philosophers, besides me -- but i THiNK! Im going to rewrite it for you --
freedom pays this flag
back again a tissue wept
risen to don bow
the last line is obtuse, in reference to how aikido master belts are counted up and one less than trained master. I guess if one was his own master, he would train others, so
Thank you for the critique! As I look at it again. I can see that you're totally right. While I have never really followed the case rule, I do try to hit the mark on that final gesture and I didn't really accomplish that here. But I do like your re-write though, especially the final line. Thanks for your input.
heymoeshu,
im going to be critical on this, with caSE, as haiku are generally all lowered, unless proper nouned.
it also doesnt appear to compleat, as a haiku would, with a sort of final gesture or windful wistful blist of logic or heart felt lossy gain. perhaps i picked up my haiku from this book of dead philosophers, besides me -- but i THiNK! Im going to rewrite it for you --
freedom pays this flag
back again a tissue wept
risen to don bow
the last line is obtuse, in reference to how aikido master belts are counted up and one less than trained master. I guess if one was his own master, he would train others, so
risen don bows known
peace!
Thank you for the critique! As I look at it again. I can see that you're totally right. While I have never really followed the case rule, I do try to hit the mark on that final gesture and I didn't really accomplish that here. But I do like your re-write though, especially the final line. Thanks for your input.