As I was reading this I had a thought... I hope I can articulate it clearly.
I wonder, because of the ways you learned to cope with childhood trauma, if you used those same coping mechanisms when you fled the war. From what I have learned about coping mechanisms, they serve us in the moment, but because we got stuck using them for extended periods it got ingrained into us as a normal way to cope. I mean, why wouldn't it, since it was our normal and we needed it to function/survive. But they stop being useful when we attempt to grow away from the trauma. What I am wondering (and I am not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt), is that if you started working on healing from the earliest trauma you remember at the moment, it might have a cascading effect. And maybe give you more clarity for your healing journey.
Basically, recognizing what behaviors were developed when shit was first fucked up for you, seeing how you were wronged and developing self-compassion around that, then moving forward one step at a time with more self-love and understanding while identifying more shit that needs to be healed.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy or like it's coming from a light and easy place. It's fucking hard work, scary, too. And when it comes to noticing others who look like they have it easy, jealousy is what you feel and it is exactly right because it is your feeling. And probably they do have it easier than you. I still get envious of people who handle big social situations like a piece of cake, and people who had better childhoods than me and were able to develop healthier behaviors from a much younger age. Envy is normal, anyway. Helps us grow, too, if we use it right.
I'm glad you have a therapist to vent to, one that listens and also observes what you are taking in. And I'm sorry the EMDR didn't work out. I heard also about a technique called brain spotting that uses eye movements but doesn't require recalling the traumatic experience. I don't know anything about it, though.
Also, I'm here if you need someone to reach out to. I know how painful it feels to question one's own existence. And I like you a lot better alive than not.
Yes, I am unknowingly and unintentionally following the same coping mechanism because that's how I used to do in the past, consume everything alone and move on. Right now, it doesn't work anymore and the same process is affecting my psychology as well. The healing process was the goal but I couldn't achieve it because there is a lot that needs to heal over time. It is now visible that I never healed from my past traumas, I just completely ignored it and moved on. Scar stayed and now wounds are opened once again. For healing, I have having new treatment plan but still a long way. It feels like I am not ready to heal or my mind is actually not accepting any healing treatment because it wants to grieve and vent first.
Unfortunately yes and still my problems are unknown because I am not very open or ready to talk about the past. It's uncomfortable.
Yes but these things won't work because I first need exposure therapy. They are still suggesting trauma therapy but I am not confident about it.
I know and I will reach you out.
Sorry about my delayed reply, I was being un-hivey for a minute.
So much to take on to heal, I hear you. I believe in you, though. Sending love.