Like you say, you can't change the past. Whatever happened, whoever was horrible to you is all in the past. You can't change that, nor can you change how people act towards you.
However, you can control your future and where you want it to go, even if it takes a little longer. You have time Priya, no need to rush. Just take things at yours own pace and remember that every new day is a new achievement!!
Dear Pauline, I told you before that I really appreciate our talk in Poland and it encouraged me a lot to move forward, to be social, and to share and talk to others. I feel lonely, alone by myself always even though I am surrounded by people. Crowd doesn't give me the anxiety like it used to be but still sometimes imaginary images come in front of me. I call them imagination but my doctors told me that those things actually happened and I need to face it instead of letting them come over and over again. I couldn't and I still cannot. I feel scared, I feel the fear of those dark moments thinking they will take me with them and I won't be able to come back.
This is something I need to believe because I push myself a lot and expect a lot. When everything goes down, I go down and then my loneliness and thoughts put me in deep depression... Unfortunately, I still don't understand why I am like this...
Thank you @livinguktaiwan for everything and hopefully again we will meet and have a conversation. Thanks for always being so supportive and helpful...