Dear Pauline, I told you before that I really appreciate our talk in Poland and it encouraged me a lot to move forward, to be social, and to share and talk to others. I feel lonely, alone by myself always even though I am surrounded by people. Crowd doesn't give me the anxiety like it used to be but still sometimes imaginary images come in front of me. I call them imagination but my doctors told me that those things actually happened and I need to face it instead of letting them come over and over again. I couldn't and I still cannot. I feel scared, I feel the fear of those dark moments thinking they will take me with them and I won't be able to come back.
no need to rush.
This is something I need to believe because I push myself a lot and expect a lot. When everything goes down, I go down and then my loneliness and thoughts put me in deep depression... Unfortunately, I still don't understand why I am like this...
Thank you @livinguktaiwan for everything and hopefully again we will meet and have a conversation. Thanks for always being so supportive and helpful...