I was trying to accumulate a few words to write a post from the past few days, but I couldn't due to powerful medications and an irregular lifestyle. Every minute seems like a year, and I feel stuck in a dark box every day. Now my biggest challenge is to get out of the box. My treatment process would be longer than I imagined. It's not something that has a deadline and recovery time. The human brain is unpredictable and nobody knows what it would do next. I take powerful medicines for sleep and for relaxation, a part of my treatment as I have developed PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) from Acute Stress Disorder (ASD).
A part of me still fighting to get out of the black, dark box, I want to recover and my fight is all about my recovery. I stopped working and obviously, my employers were not happy about that but it is what it is. I cannot control everything no matter how much I try and that was the reason I asked for help from the professionals. I wrote a long time ago that I have a past that was dark. I never mentioned fully what was that because that part of my life is blurred and I don't remember many things that happened at that time. Recently my doctors asked me for my previous reports from 2007 because, in this one week, my condition didn't develop a bit. Honestly, those reports were with my dad and my dad never showed me those until yesterday. I have found out I suffered from schizophrenia in the past and the treatment process was based on that.
After providing this information, my doctor started asking me a lot of questions that I don't have answers to. This is not a good thing for a patient who is currently suffering from PTSD and was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in the past. Now my doctors are taking time to look into my treatment once again. They have changed my medicine and the new one is more powerful. The current medicine was used on the people who fled from the Vietnam war and on the soldiers of the war.
Anyway, my daily life is almost doing nothing as I don't go to work. I cannot work because my mental situation is still unstable and I snap out on others sometimes badly (not physically of course). I cannot control my anger and aggression levels just like I cannot stop my tears and stress level. But to do some activities, I go out for a walk often though I don't feel like going outside nowadays. For outdoor activities, I am still not prepared.
My depression level is increasing day by day and I can feel that.
So, as I don't have any interesting activities to share so I decided to share some photos of my walk in Kharkiv Ukraine. I guess dumping these photos will help me to clear my head as well and ease my pain.
The name of the street is Rymarskaya street; one of the most prominent streets in Kharkiv for administrative offices. My relationship with this street is mixed, this area made me laugh, happy, and cry as well. During my 6 years stay in Kharkiv, Ukraine, I mostly spent time in this area for immigration and passport purposes. Today also I did document work for the immigration process to stay longer in the Netherlands. Due to my mindset up and mental health, the process I couldn't do the alone, I got help because right now I am not focused and unable to do many things. I don't know how I am writing this post. I guess a part of me still fighting to get better.
I can't think more about this street except for some nostalgic memories. I spent hours there for my document work, waited for results from the immigration, and walked around with stress and tension but it was never too much that could break me into parts like today. The atmosphere of this street was busy and crowded but not robotic. There was something there that I have never found anywhere else. And I guess I will never find that ambiance anywhere else.
Unfortunately, currently due to my treatment process and medicines, I cannot focus on one thing properly. There are so many things ongoing inside me and in my brain too. Very hard to describe this feeling but all I can say, this is one of the hardest moments I am having mentally now.
People move forward with their life and goes on forward with their problems but for me, this is a moment where not only do I feel like my own time stopped but also a part of my life is stuck and trying to get out. As I said, I am stuck in a dark box...
My treatment process will be ongoing and it's not gonna end soon.
Thanks for reading my pointless post...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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All images used are captured by the author...
I'm staying with a friend for a week, so I'm only just catching up with people. Priyan, please don't think anything you write is pointless. It is from your heart and I'm pleased you are letting people in to help you. Hopefully, you have taken that first step to recovery. It won't happen overnight but I'm glad you are thinking about the future ie grandchildren. You will be sorry, as most of my friends who have grandchildren, are busier then ever! Take care. ❤️
I took the first step to recovery and every day seems like a decade now. Obviously, my entire burden cannot be solved within days or weeks. It will definitely take time. I was thinking about having kids as I don't have any children. But in this circumstance, I cannot do it. I hope things will be better oneday...
I'm sure things will get better. You will make a great mum. One day at a time. ❤️
Keep it up, the light will return to your life. It’s time to rest and trust. The treatment will help you. ❤️
Thank you so much for the encouragement...
I don’t have as deep struggles as you but I do also struggle with PTSD. It’s hard. And everyone around me doesn’t understand. So it’s nice to hear from someone else who struggles with it. Your post isn’t pointless, it was heard by someone who needed it. I wish you the best on your journey.
Yes it's very difficult and it is such a kind of disease that cannot be seen, so people never understand that. I stopped socializing with people and deep inside I am completely broken. I am sure you can understand what I am trying to say...
Yeah, I can mask well but I just don’t feel right all the time even when I should be happy. I’m just tired… always.
Me too sometimes...
My friend, have hope and keep faith in your heart!@priyanarc, sleep... Sleep is so important!
One of my medicine is for good sleep without any nightmares... Like you said, proper sleep is important and first priority...
Thank you so much sir...I hope you are doing well...
That was not a pointless post Priyan, you needed to share it in order to process it and so that you can move past it and heal, take care of yourself and stay !ALIVE
In my mind I was thinking maybe one day my whole life story will inspire someone or in the future when I will have grandkids, I will share my hive profile with them as a diary... Thank you so much...
That is a fantastic thought, and something to look forward to.
!ALIVE
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The images you share with us are beautiful, thank you.
Do not lose hope, he is already undergoing treatment and that is a step forward in his recovery.
Little by little, small steps, but he's on his way, at his pace, I really hope he can get ahead.
Ya a small step I have taken to see the light of life once again. I know many won't understand what's going on with me because it's not something that can be seen in person. I hope this treatment will help me in the future to recover...
During my treatment for depression, the medications I had to take, I didn't know if I was asleep or awake.
His case is more complex, because of what he has experienced. I really hope everything goes well for you.
It doesn't feel like it but these feelings are exactly what should be happening as your doctor's get to the very root of your problems and slowly help you to move forwards. Often we need to take steps that appear to go backwards before you can start to go forwards again.
All that matters is you are getting help from professionals who know what they're doing.
Breathe in, breathe out and take tiny steps. You've got this girl. The hardest part was asking for help and understanding you have a problem.
Take care always, the whole of Hive is in your corner :-)
I believe in that too. Recently, people started asking me a lot of questions because of my behavior in the shelter. I am not rude to anybody, I am just quiet and my sickness can be seen through my face, lol...
Anyway, I have seen a lot in life and I felt this is high time to ease all of the pains and darkness so that I can move forward and again start dreaming...
I hesitated a lot before asking for help thinking people might think I am crazy but my health is first and I understood that like you said...
Thanks...
It is surprising to discover things that one did not imagine about oneself, I was surprised with the medical reports that your father had.
With strong meds it's quite a challenge to write or work, I know. So I support that at least one part of your mind is working very hard to improve.
I look at the photos and remember that when I first read a post from you, the topic was about your passport renewal process, so today's topic brings back memories of those early interactions.
I wish you that everything improves, that the treatment helps soon, and that you are in remarkable improvement in a short time.
!GIF get well soon!
Stay !ALIVE
!LOLZ
!MEME
!PGM
!LUV
!CTP
Oh you remember that moment and I remember you gave me a lot of information and strength as well to go through the process. I did my passport renewal right before the war and am grateful that I have done it in time.
Me too because my father kept all those reports with him and never discussed them with me. Well, my life has a lot of mysteries as well, and most of them are hidden...
Thinking about secrets, I know we all keep some secrets, but I don't really like it when another person hides secrets that involve me from my knowledge, even if they do it with the best intention of protecting me.
Via Tenor
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Please stay strong , you can defeat whatever challenges you are facing in life...Yes you can do it...don't give up
I hope so too and I am trusting the treatment process too. I consider this phase of my life as one of the dark and toughest moments...
And you will overcome it , just keep the hope alive..
Thank you...
You are welcome
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I just wrote a small text about PTSD, perhaps there is something in there which can help you:
There is also the so called natural sleep which you might want to look into, see naturschlaf. com, then click on downloads, then the british flag to download this text. https://hive.blog/ptsd/@hivesheep/ptsd-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-some-helpful-tips-a-homeopathic-remedy-called-ignatia-amara-a-breathing-technique-called