I don't know how many times I tried to write something about myself but in the end, hesitation came and I decided not to write something personal on the blockchain. Hesitation comes in different forms and thoughts, and one of the main key reasons is privacy issues. Nowadays people are too judgemental and sometimes people think that the people who share personal life stories are attention seekers. Even though my motive was to share my thoughts and feel safe; I ended up being judged. I do not care what others think about me because my problems only can be solved by myself. Sometimes it's hard to deal with such a difficult atmosphere.
How I have been doing lately? I would say not bad. After going through tons of therapies and appointments, I have been feeling much better than before. Every time I learn something new about myself but the difficult part is to work on it by accepting the problems. I am on a healing journey process, my main treatment for my PTSD is done so now this phase is all about healing and focusing on small details. Not all the traumas are recovered yet they are way more manageable than before. A lot of questions often arise in my mind, why now, why me? Unfortunately, there is no timeline; anything can happen at any time.
My current core problem is dealing with my depression and how to get out of it. I still don't know yet because my depression is related to some specific key issues in life. My therapist often goes through my life journey and she is still trying to figure out the cause. Recently I have not been very open in front of her, I guess I am not ready to disclose deep dark thoughts yet. I know I should be open about my problems in front of her but I am not ready. My mind is too messed up and confused. My brain never stops overthinking and my body's reaction is too active and fast.
I discovered that I have different shades and phases in life. Sometimes I am very open, talk a lot, and share a lot and sometimes, I just confine myself in an invisible shell and show anti-social behavior. My doctor says that there is always a reason behind every individual's behavior pattern. I also have a pattern and this pattern didn't form in a day. Years of sadness, traumas, behavioral issues, and surroundings caused and created the person that I am today. I sometimes find my conversations with her very interesting, these conversations have depth now, and they are deep and meaningful.
You might think that I travel a lot, I do see many places and live a life that many people want. Maybe you will say some people live a more miserable life than me and they have more thorough problems than me. Well, I believe there is no comparison between me and anyone else. My struggle is my own struggle and my thoughts, mindset or brain cannot be compared with others. The entire world is going through a critical moment right now so my problem might seem a small problem but it's my own medical problem. Besides, nobody can describe what depression looks like, nobody cannot define an individual's depression.
I have come so far and I don't deny it. I took small steps to move forward. I am able to control my emotions way more better than before and that's a huge progress. I know what I had to go through, how many sleepless nights I passed. I struggle still, sometimes I push myself hard and have to turn back. Sometimes I feel all of my hard work is wasted but again next day, I take one step for myself. I have more space now to think about other things in life; maybe it might be for a shorter period of time but that short moment is slowly turning into a long moment.
So, besides attending my therapy sessions, I do regular chores and try to finish daily life things. I cannot do a full-time job due to the ongoing treatment process so I do flexible/ part-time work. I do voluntary work once a month, I do try to learn something new when I can. I do walk outside every day on a regular basis, sometimes I go somewhere, eat something, and walk around. I have a small garden area now, an indoor area where I grow chillies and I love to watch them grow. My full focus is on my well-being and not overdoing things like I used to do. Daily life schedules actually help me to get out of the room I stay. To be honest, maintaining a daily schedule is a tough job for me. I am not disabled, I am just having a tough time with my mental health problems.
I know I have to go to long way and I also know I will be better. It's about time... I also know many people do love me and care about me...
One day I will be able to go home...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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Thank you so much for sharing your personal struggles and challenges. It is not easy to start writing about our selfs, and even harder to publish it. I'm so honored to be one of the persons that read your post, and I wish that you can keep taking step by step to go trough the long process of coming back home and be more in peace with your thoughts and memories. 💙
Exactly, writing about the toughest moment in life especially writing about and dealing with mental health problems. I hesitate a lot before writing something about me thinking how people will react and think about me. A lot of posts I couldn't publish just like you have mentioned. I wrote a few posts when it started and when I look back at those posts, it shows the progress I have made till now. Even in real life, I have faced a lot of challenges, people called me a weird, anti-social person. I really had a hard time. Now, I just focus on myself only and don't pay attention to anything else. Thank you for your warm wishes and supportive words, I really appreciate it...
I dare to include myself among those who appreciate you and care about you, and I couldn't be more proud to read where you are now. I'm very, very happy, and I hope you continue like this.
This!
And this! You’re saying, you know! Big hug, my dear. ❤️
Yes, you are and I remember you always told me, one step at a time, and when I was in a tough spot, having suicidal thoughts; you told me to believe in myself while seeking professional help. I feel grateful that I have friends like you who genuinely cared for me when I was broken and in a dark space...
Thank you my dear friend for being so supportive always...
"nobody can describe what depression looks like" well said friend, no one knows the heavy weight that others are carrying no matter what you can see or in networks or that person wants to share with others outside of their mental health. I hope you keep going forward and fighting hard as you are doing, I highly recommend the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, it has helped me a lot to improve my mental health, greetings !
Exactly, no one knows. Besides, no one shares about their mental health problems and depression because of fear of being judged. People like to maintain a happy image within society and share a happy mirror image which people and society want to see and appreciate.
I am gonna look for the book and gonna read it. Thanks for the recommendation. I hope you are doing well. Thanks for stopping by...
It was pleasure to read your post, thanks to you for opening up with your mental health, hope you enjoy the read !
Just keep going! You've come so far, you've changed a lot and you're on the right path. I'm really proud of you my dear friend! ❤️🤗
Thanks, Erikah for being there always for me whenever I needed it and comforting me when I needed it the most. I am always grateful to you...
Lots of Hugss dear... 😍
Hello, Pri...
I feel you. I may not understand the full depth of what you are going through, but I do understand how crazy depression can be. And, yes, you are right.
Your struggle is yours and shouldn't be compared to someone else's. We all have different hell, so no one should "huff" what someone else is going through no matter what it is in their world.
It must be tough penning this down. Your thoughts, emotions, and all, but I am glad you did. Thanks for sharing with us your struggles and the winnings as well. Well done, Queen.
Exactly and unfortunately it's easy to judge others. For example, I heard a lot of times of not being grateful about my status. I never said or showed an attitude of ungratefulness but people judged me. I tried my best to stay humble and to stay calm no matter what was going on with me. Sometimes, food, shelter, and money can't solve my problems because I look for a safe space, a healthy space.
Yes it was and I guess I mentioned it last time also that I cannot write, I am blocked and totally blanked. Thank you my dear for taking time to read my post. It means a lot to me...
Yes, unfortunately, it is especially when the deep scar in their heart isn't known or even when it is, they don't care.
Let them judge that's who they are. That's their job, and your job is to love yourself unconditionally and pass their statements to the nearest dump where it is meant to be.
Food, money, and shelter are basic necessities! The more people get to learn that, the more they'll heal faster.
I am glad I saw this post 😊.
No judgement, all people have some sort of mental issues even the most stable of us. Also, traumatic events can up-end any stable system. So take your time and recover, depression is a tough one sometimes that needs pharma help (at least temporarily) so don't shy away from that either.
Yes, I find it really hard to work on my current status alone. Even though I am not fully open in front of my therapist, I know I have to share at some point to understand the cause of my depression. I travel whenever I can to stay stable and to bring some colors to life. But when depression is heavy, nothing matters to me and all becomes black totally...
I appreciate your words and thank you so much...
❤️
😊
Thank you @ewkaw and @qurator for curating my post...