I never knew how much motherhood and becoming a mother would develop, change and grow who I am as a person.
My little daughter Lory recently turned four years old. Those past four years seemed to have flown past in a flash between all the every-dayness that we all encounter. I do however try to embrace, encourage and include special moments of bonding, care, togetherness and closeness between her and I each day.
Yesterday we embarked on a picnic together with some picnic food, great company and conversation. She and I sat together watching the water as she made up new names for all the birds flying overhead and scrounging off picnic tables deserted by previous visitors. We laughed together at the silliness of the shapes of their bodies and sounds they made.
While walking there and back, she took the opportunity to pick flowers of different types and colours, carefully placing them in our bag until we returned home.
She is a sneaky little one sometimes and upon returning home, she busied herself collecting things in the kitchen while insisting I sit down and do my own thing. Although curious, I complied.
After some time had passed, she came to me with two large melamine bowls in hand and asked if I could fill them up for her with water for our foot spa as she couldn't reach the basin tap. I had a smile on my face while agreeing to her request. We added some cream and nice smelling stuff to the water and then she surprised me, going and collecting all the flowers she picked earlier during the day to place carefully on the water surface, declaring with beaming exuberance "TA- DA - Mommy this is our foot spa because it's pampering day"
We spent the next while telling each other silly jokes while soaking our feet and putting on hand cream. It was a special little time together where we had no rushing around to do, we were just being "mommy & me" - bonding over our shared femininity and (mostly) her appreciation for self care.
A few months ago Lory started coming to me each day and asking if she could put on my make up for me to "make me look beautiful". It was kind of hurtful at the time, but I also recognize now that she could feel that I was hurting a lot internally for various reasons and going through a vast, dark emotional time and she was trying to help by being nurturing to me. She would come sit behind me and brush my hair, choose out summer dresses from my cupboard (in the middle of winter) pleading with me that she wanted me to look pretty. It arose very mixed feelings in me at the time. I get it a bit better now though.
After having a rather long standing & rocky, emotional detachment towards myself and negating my needs for the things that are necessary for the survival and needs of others - and day to day functioning of a house-hold, my little girl was trying to nurture me, love me, bond with me, make me feel better, make me feel whole, make me feel beautiful. She was trying to get me to reconnect with myself and in the process - re-connect with my self nurturing side, my self compassion and my self respect and build the bond between us too.
In late July, my own mother passed away and lead me on a journey of recollection from my childhood and beyond and the relationship that I tried to nurture with her.
I have some fond memories of her, but not many of her being nurturing to me in the kind of way I feel I am with my own daughter. I suppose for some people it comes naturally and others it is very difficult when you are disconnected. My mom had a lot of challenges in terms of anxiety. She ran the household according to a very strict long to-do list and she worked really hard to keep everything at a standard that she thought was acceptable. I'm not sure who's standard it was though.
Some of the closest memories I have of her from when I was really small was when my father wasn't there and we danced to songs on vinyl in the lounge, sang, laughed, she looked happy and had taken that moment to spend with me.
So often I tried to get to know her on a deeper emotional level, but I was met with a cold indifference and sometimes an irritation for my neediness.
In retrospect I think I can see this differently now, but when I was a kid this was extremely painful for me and I believe that it contributed to my inability to feel "worthy" a lot of the time.
I have never wanted my daughter to feel that and while there have been instances along the way where I was incapable of tending to her emotional needs immediately the way she needed me to, I try daily to keep an open emotional bond growing with her, an honest understanding and and open dialogue. Whether this is simply listening to her imaginative stories about chasing the super quick invisible mini flamingoes around the house or making sand and leaf tea, picking and blowing dandelions to make wishes - I do it as often as I can, because these things are important in her world and are therefore important in mine too. She brings my imagination to life with magical fairy lands, interesting creatures, epic battles that need to be fought against villains and thieves, cloud formations of dragons and so much more.
Lory picks flowers for me every day and brings them to me as gifts. I dry them and keep them in a little box. They are all different types, shapes, colours and sizes and I appreciate every single one as they are given with love.
We have the bond I never had with my mother and I am truly grateful that I can be there for her to help her when she needs me - the way that she's recently done for me too.
I recently finished knitting her a unicorn coloured blanket, she chose the different types of wool. I poured many emotions (positive and other) into this blanket and my wish is that in any time of her need, whatever her emotion is - that she will find comfort, love, hope, forgiveness, acceptance, nurturing and warmth in it, hopefully long after I am gone and perhaps even down to the next generation. In the meantime, she has me here, my hugs, my cuddles, my silly jokes and playful antics and I'll protect and nurture our bond 'til the end of time. I feel exceptionally fortunate to call her my daughter, she's a pretty freaking awesome person!
Kids brings the best out in people.
I have two nephews. One is just 10 months old and other is 11 years old.
In the last year, during the lockdown, both of my sisters stayed with us for a few months.
There were so many times that I was feeling stressed because of work, or general life, but playing and talking with those kids made my worries go away. I was happy in the moment.
Now, whenever I am stressed, I devote my entire focus to play with those kids, especially in the evening.
Work can wait. Life troubles can wait, but their childhood will be over in a few years. They won't be doing those silly and funny things after 10 years.
They will be mature.
Life just goes on🙂
Hi Looftee
Thank you so much for your comment, it warms my heart knowing that others can identify this with their little family members. It is such a short time that they are small that we get to enjoy with them.
I hope you and your nephews make wonderful memories together (and try not to get into too much trouble lol)
Have a beautiful day.
This is such a beautiful post and so deeply touching @andrastia. I'm so sorry about your mom.
So many things you've said resonate with me. I don't have children, but I do have a mom and the most important thing are these times you share together bonding like that. The memories that are created last forever and are a refuge in later years. There is nothing better than real love, that makes all the difference. It's expressed exactly in how you spend those special times with your daughter. There is no better way. So beautiful and lovely photos.
...a refuge in later years. That's exactly right. It's funny though, as a kid it may not seem that way at the time; it's only in hindsight that thought/feeling comes I suppose. I remember many times as a kid with both of my parents in which, at the time, I probably took it for granted. The nature of a kid I guess.
I'd say that little Lory has a good mum (mom) and vice versa. Splendid and touching post right?
Yes, very much so, so much so, it brought me to tears (in a good way).
Hello Nine. Thank you for writing, please send your mom a message today that will make her smile.
I cannot agree with you more. It makes all the difference between an average life and a magical life.
Have a lovely day please :)
I did on Monday. I call her every week at least once. We share memories, laugh, talk, and love.
Thank you, real love made all the difference for me. I hope you have a lovely day as well. 😊
She seems a lovely little girl, and I think I know why. You.
I love the tone of this post despite the content running much deeper than the words on the page. It feels nice, the love you have for her, and she you, is apparent. I feel it. Such a lovely post.
I'll never know what you feel, the connection between you and Lory, as I'm childless, but that doesn't mean I can't feel it through others. What makes me smile here is that you and Lory are a unit and are unbreakable.
The name Andrastia means one who is unbreakable and through this image and the words on the page I see two unbreakable people and that's as it should be.
She's your mirror.
Thank you Galen for your kind words.
Lory is a special one, I admire many traits of hers that I wish I had, but I'm learning from her.
There are different connections that people have, I was texting Angie the other day and she told me that she and I are connected with a golden thread, that even though we were separate for over 25 years, we were still connected. It's just that some of us have that special bond and it doesn't matter what happens, that remains.
Have an awesome day!
Funny how the daughter can teach the mother huh? We're always learning, humans, and from interesting places at times.
I agree on the thread concept. I get it.
So cute. Children are always curious and they like to create different things. Their imagination are so active.
HI KellyAne
That is so true, the strange things they come up with are sometimes really funny and totally worthy of keeping.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my post, much appreciated.
You're welcome @andastria. I enjoyed reading it.
I don't think there is any attachment more intense that develops than that of a mother and daughter. Honest. You can bond with your son, your father, but, there is something special about a daughter.
Not to be mistaken that a son isn't as wonderful or special, but, I think you know what I mean. Emotionally, it feels differnt, no less love, but, different still.
You are giving your daughter the best thing you could ever give a child. A piece of you. I remember reading an article on bonding with your baby and it said bonding helps to release hormones and chemicals in the brain that encourage rapid brain growth. Wow! I was amazed at this, but, think about it. What happens when love is graciously given to us? We respond in like, our hearts growing bigger and bigger.
I reread your post several times and I thought to myself, how lucky they are to have each other. She learned how to nurture from you and you learne how to nurture because of her.
You are an amazing human being, Iris! ❤️
Hi Denise
Thank you so much for your message. I absolutely can agree with the bonding and that it encourages growth and development, the human body cannot survive without companionship, love and connection - especially at that age.
I try to be what she needs, often I fall short because I am human, but she knows that I love her, I'm proud of her, I encourage her to be proud of herself and her accomplishments and I've taught her that being a good person at heart is worth more than being a "fancy" person.
Have a good one, stay smiling and happy first day of spring from here - when you run out of flowers, I'll send you some :)
Haha! Thanks! I appreciate that and I may have to do that. My wings are clipped right now, so I cannot go fly and find flowers when I run out of them. I may have to order them up from you!
I think you are doing a great job of providing her with all the love and security that is needed. We all fail, being human, but, it is because of the expectations we have for ourselves.
Your attitude is admirable. Truly.
Well you can't just stop by my place without me checkin out what you're workin with. I like what you've done with the joint.
Here <-- Don't say I never gave you anything. Pura and I recorded that a few years ago. We're far from a sea right now but we play that game when birds are around. Your daughter will love it, I demand you take pictures! Oh, and she's lucky to have you. Almost forgot that part.
Now don't let'er grow up to be soft like all these other soft ass kids who still live at home with mom and dad and they're 30 and have no plans of leaving but complain about struggles every day like the soft ass kids they are and it's way too early to go off on a tangent like this.
💖
Hi @dandays Thanks for stopping by, I love the video, good fun!
Yes, I absolutely need to find seagulls round here,she will do her nut lol. I couldn't help but hear "mine mine mine" in my head throughout it though hahahaha.
She is soft natured, but she's also fierce and tenacious and definitely not afraid to tell you what's what either. I think there's a balance.
Your motherhood years have just begun. May your love for each other deepen with each passing moment.
Love that blanket!!
Thanks @owasco I'm enjoying toddlerdom. Thank you for the nice message and I'm glad you like the blanket, it's a bit over the top, but she likes it 😊
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