Sometimes we tend to underestimate the influence of our emotional state, and this is because we have no idea of how it impacts our general well-being. In 2007, there was this huge Marital crisis between my late parents and there was a huge decline in my general well-being and health, it affected how I looked and my emotional state. It took some mental readjustment, and getting a decent job working with good people that helped me out. Over 3 years I experienced a massive positive change in my emotional state and this affected the prognosis of life.
I have been in a depressive state, one scale I haven't tipped is that of suicide, and that is because no matter how life sucked, I loved it. I loved the ability to fight against all odds, coping with my health situation as a result of a strong mental resolve, it was fun to fight the poverty, the lack and want, the job scarcity, family dysfunctionality, and the endless sleepless nights on how to survive. The biggest blow I've ever had to face was losing my only sibling, from anger to pain, regret, panic, and fear, it's felt and still feels like being in an abyss with no way to survive.
While he wasn't really much of a support system, he was evidence of hope that life struggles eventually fade away with continuous perseverance. To be very honest, I've lost every hunger to fight. It's like being in the middle of the storm, but you just stop rowing not minding the impact of the Storm on the outcome of your journey. Having lost him, made life different, it became even harder to battle my health complications, the different diagnosis, and the anxiety I've been battling. A lot of people do not understand, that's why I don't try to explain.
The gravity of the loss, coupled with the endless battle I'm fighting with my health complications makes me wake up with heart palpitations in the middle of the night, the lack of hunger and desire to get out of bed, signals a huge dent in my life. Sometimes I wonder if the clinical manifestations of my heart problems aren't as a result of my many anxieties, or an expected outcome with my health situation. I cannot really tell. There are so many grey areas covering my health situation at the moment.
However, one thing I know is that heart palpitation is not something I've had before. One of the things I've lost recently is the excitement to wake up. Most times I struggle to sleep and finally get this job of sleeping, but I mostly wake up with a heavy heart, bemoaning my new reality and the toughness of experiencing this newfound health situation that I now need to manage at a cost or regret the consequences. A lot of people don't know the lonesomeness of life until they meet with tragic events, and one of the saddest things is waking up to the fact that these things are going to stay with you for a very long time.
Sometimes I watch my phone ring endlessly, and the strength to wear a fake smile or a fake countenance to the person on the other end of the receiver is not there. Faking a relaxed countenance is probably something I cannot do properly, but life.... People expect you to be strong irrespective of your battles, having no such strength to do is, is why I Mostly choose to break down in my closet and do the crying. These past few months, I realized how my strength has always come from a Divine reconditioning, and not from those I probably feel I get my source of inspiration from.
Pain makes you go back to the drawing board, especially when you're searching for relief. For me, I have accepted my present condition, the consequences and the damages it has done, the risks and the fear. But getting rid of the anxiety has been difficult. It's a testament to how life can suddenly change. Yet, I wake up every day with prayers in my soul, for one more chance to overcome my health situation and find another source of joy and the reason to keep going.
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Losing a love one is very painful and sometimes I wish there was a way the universe could stop it. You are really a strong person I must say, despite that life has happened, the only thing is to fight and bounce back which is what you are doing. I wish you quick recovery in health. God is your strength, Jose!
Thank you for your kind words. Well I wish it was just any loved one, unfortunately, the only nuclear loved one. It's a pathetic thing. Again, thank you, I appreciate
♥️
Keep taking these little steps.
Thank you, I will.
I pray you find peace.
Losing a loved one is a hard blow coupled with your health situation. I can only imagine the state you're in right now but there's one thing I'm most certain of, and that is you're a fighter, and a very strong man. I'm certain you can sail through this path even tho it's tough.
I'm sure your brother is watching over you from Heaven ❤
Get well soon❤❤✨
Thank you, for your kind words. What can I say? It's not what I'll wish for anyone. Loss and ailing health are two things are two things anyone will likely wish for another person, but what do I know, life itself can make people unlucky, and it's what it is.
Pain makes you go back to the drawing board.
Every pain and problem we face in life is directing us toward something which is finding a solution. I know a man that is now investing heavily on research due to his health challenges. Some people find purpose in pain. It's ok to cry when overwhelmed with all the problems and pains. We keep moving and showing up because it's not over yet.
Well, thank you, I tap into that inspiration, because to be very, I don't think anyone should be in that much pain, fear and anxiety. It's an endless twist no matter how it acts as a motivation. Pain differs, and tipping the scale is lethal.
Keep up the good fight. Anxiety is hard to beat, I know that one all too well. I also understand that feeling of not wanting to fight like you used to, I've been through it too and still do from time to time. Every day is a new struggle, but at least you have a day to struggle. I often wonder why life is so hard, but then I realize that if everything were easy there would be no growth or reason to keep fighting. I wouldn't complain if I were rich though, but most rich people I've known aren't all that happy either!
Keep up the fight, I understand what you're going through.
Thank you for the constant support always, to be very honest, I'm barely holding, except for a few people who truly turns up to visit me at home. At the moment, I don't even care about riches, I just care about stability and never having to worry. Like you've said rich people have their own problems too.
Stability is a great thing, and not having to worry as well. I do wish I had the cash to get you to the US or Europe treatment, but my illness and ex-wife have left me on a budget. Have you considered a go fund me account?
Ahhh your constant support have been immense, it's just hard knowing that I'm an empty place, with not a lot of people being able to relate. Oh I didn't know you divorced, something it comes with financial consequences. I'll still reach to people on the change who can pull some strings for me to leave my country. It's just hard having to be a burden to them.
With a blood dyscrasia you will get better treatment in Europe or the US.
Exactly, I also think so too, the tech here is archaic, and many kg the medical practiioners are not even sure of what they're doing. With mine I couldn't even keep a job and now there are complications. It's saddening to be very honest
I'm sorry my friend. If I can help in any way to get you somewhere where they can help I will do my best to help you. I don't want to get to personal but which blood dyscrasia do you have?
Pain hurts and it sucks to have it. There isn't much we can do about it but move on. I hope you are able to overcome this soon.
It hurts and the unfairness of life hurts even more, thanks a lot for your kind words
You’ve gone through a lot but I believe that what does not kill you makes you stronger
I’m glad you have accepted your condition and working towards how to be a better person
You’d be fine
Thank you
One thing I believe is that God still lives and He knows what you are going through now but just know that He hasn't abandoned nor forsaken you. Hold firmly unto Him because He's the only one who will make everything new in your life.
I know it may not be easy but give it a try and you will live to testify.
!BBH
!HUG
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You are a strong man bro 💪
You will overcome
Of course, this is the reality of life, it is very difficult and if you want to live it in a good way, then you have to work hard, you don't have to take people's words to heart, then only you can succeed in this world. So you will spend the rest of your life in depression.