Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp
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Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp
I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.'” – Stewart Francis
My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans
I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans