I am the kind of person that probably annoys every grumpy person if I am to walk past you in the corridor. If your door is open and I am passing I will shout a "Good morning" to acknowledge the value of your existence and a new day to give life our best shot. If I get the same energy and you continue to ask me: "How are you Humbe?" I flash you a big smile, and give a default response that I have been using since my childhood: "I am great thanks, and you? Honestly, this is more of a daily song than actually expressing how I feel. Surely we cannot go around sharing our battles with everyone as not everyone really cares until they get to send R.I.P. and condolences to the families.
I have also normalized hearing people's responses as "I am fine" and I have fallen into a trap of never really mastering to decode the emotions behind the response when greeting people. The truth is most of us are good at putting on an "all is well mask". One can easily miss out when people we care about are dying inside. What is more frustrating and heartbreaking when you look back is when they used text to reach out and you misunderstand it to be the usual small talk. Admittedly I was not good at decoding emotions from small talk like: hello Humbe, how are you? What are you up to?
This type of texting seems to lack a sense of urgency to respond if the person continues to build up on that without expressing their mental distress. So if I am busy, I would tell the person what I am up to and propose to catch up later. In most cases, the conversation just dies like that and there will be no follow-ups. My poor judgment would consider it not really a big deal but just a random greeting if the person does not come back to me with more content. And that is what I did when I lost a friend to suicide. At that time we were using Blackberry Messenger which served a similar purpose to sending instant messages just like WhatsApp Messenger.
My friend was the Romeo or Jack of our time who was so in love with his girlfriend. I am used to hearing ladies being the ones who would plan their weddings from kindergarten. But this one was looking forward to his wedding as soon as he finishes his studies. There were signs of him loving his girlfriend so much and that was a good thing, so we all thought as few guys these days would opt to settle down at young age especially plan it right after they get their financial freedom.
I remember one Friday morning, I woke up to run some errands and also planned to go to the salon later in the day. We were on academic holidays and haven't checked on most of my friends. That day my friend sent me a BBM, it was also like the random small talk we often do as friends just to check on each other. My lack of reading into the text to see a cry for help got the best of me. I just did the usual and said we will catch up later because in my mind I knew he was stressing over his dam design project that was due when we re-open. So when he initiated small talk substituting "I'm fine" with "I'm trying", I assumed it had to do with that.
I never got to follow up until a Monday when I received a text that he committed suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him. I was left with mixed emotions wondering if I failed my friend and misunderstood his attempt to talk to someone. Since that day, one of my biggest fear is missing out on reading the cry for help from those who need emotional support. There is no guarantee that they will open up to us but we cannot lose anything if we try to at least follow up on conversations that we thought were just small talks when we were busy.
Some friends will only remember us when they need favors but it is worth following up and just blue-tick them if you feel being used. Every small talk has a context and ever since my friend's passing, one of my worst fears is the possibility of never finding out why the person thought of randomly texting me! I also fear not being able to get the help I need if I ever end up with a psychological breakdown. I knew my friend as someone who was too strong to give in to suicide and I am certain that he was not himself when he took that decision.
Thank you for stopping by!
This is so beautifully expressed. I don't know why I read this text with a masculine voice in my head till I got to the end and saw your beautiful face🤦🏽♀️
I understand this fully and was guilty of it in the past. I know better now and do read meaning into every switch from an ‘I'm fine’ to ‘I’m holding up’ to become a chatterbox in bothering over and again till I'm sure it's just a boring day or an off the jolly mood day.
I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way as this sort of experience lingers on, affecting your decisions in the long run- all positive I hope🤞🏽.
A friend of mine sent a message out of the blues and sounded off - I called and listened to the longest talk ever on some emotional stress. When she finally saw me as the year rounded off - she hugged me so tightly and for quite a while that almost seemed awkward (unlike her though) I smiled and returned the hug. On hearing about her demise at the start of the year, It felt like she knew.
Thanks for sharing💕
Thank you for your kind words, @whitneyalexx! Haha, I actually read your comment with a bubbly voice and a smile. It is so full of life! 😀
And wow, your friend really left you with a great memory of her. That hug was a beautiful way of saying goodbye. ✨
Thanks for stopping by! 🌺
Awwwwwgh!🥹Thank you. I'm glad You felt that.
Right?!😌 the memory of her is forever❤️
The pleasure is mine @humbe 💕
That's the thing about suicide; it leaves guilt in the hearts of those that could have done something to stop it, but didn't—because they just didn't read between the lines. It's a really complicated discussion, however.
I think the baseline of it all is probably "never think anyone is too strong to give in to losing themselves completely." I have been close before. Yet, I still consider myself "too strong to give in." I bet many of my friends think the same about me. But like you have said, your friend sure wasn't himself that day. What about the days one cannot be themselves.
You couldn't have thought he needed that much help. Maybe, if he had provided more context it would have been easily discerned. I'm not blaming anyone, but the truth is it's all complicated.
We indeed should all pay more attention to people and their underlying emotions, because many of us lie with our words and expressions when we are asked "How are you today?"
I'm sorry about your friend, Humbe.
True! it is a complicated matter and I agree that we shouldn't think anyone is too strong to give in to losing themselves completely.
I also consider myself too strong to give in and probably people around me think the same. But mental distress can make anyone lose themselves and this is why I never question one's ability to cope when they are overwhelmed with hopelessness.
Exactly! And sometimes just being kind to people around us can be enough as many have a lot going on but are not comfortable sharing their battles.
Thank you for stopping by @olujay😊🌺
Oh, yes. Being kind to people can actually save lives, and we often do not see it. There are people that think that the world hates them, but when some genuine love comes their way, it lights up their entire life, saving them from drowning in their minds.
Well said!
Indeed, kindness and love can save one from drawing in their minds.💫
Wow, there are a lot of things I want to say and I feel so sad. First off, I can't imagine the guilt the girlfriend would be feeling following that. That action may still be haunting her.
It must have been so terrible losing your friend like that. I hope you were able to recover from it.
This is also the first time I've gotten to read your post and I love how well you let the emotions flow. It's really nice to be able to relate with you.
I think so too. She probably felt guilty, but then we can't really blame her for it. I still don't know what led to their breakup, and yes I eventually recovered with time.
Thank you for stopping by @jhymi🙂🌺
Oh, mine it must have been hard losing a friend like that, given that he reached out but you wouldn't know he needed help.
People with suicidal thoughts always try to reach out before they commit to their plans. We just need to
learn how to pay more attention to our friend's small talk just like you have started.
I hope writing about this experience made you feel better and free your mind from any guilt about what happened to him. So sorry that he has to leave so soon and may he rest in peace.
You are right! They always try to reach out or give signs and one can easily miss it.
At least for him, we knew the reason why he did it, which made it easier for friends and family to find closure with time. It could have been worse if we never found out what drove him to do it.
Thank you for stopping by @funshee! 😊🌺
You are right, not knowing what made him do it could be more tormenting.
My heart ❤️ goes to you and his family left behind.
Thank you!🙂🌺
You are welcome
The default-like small talks have completely taken over our supposed manners of bonding and relationship.
It's not only you this thing happens to, I've been a full victim of it and it's so bad.
Your friend that committed suicide, so heartbreaking! 💔
I saw that you came around yesterday, so I planned to check on your wall to see whether you've been active...as we agreed. This night, I used the 'search space' to trace you... I was ready to drag you if you've not been active, but it seems you're married to LUCK. lol🤣. Good to see you back 🙌
Yeah, most people are victims of the default-like small talk and I know a case study of someone who is reading this text now who's not so good in follow-ups.
Wait a minute! Didn't we just have a small talk last week, and you said you'd follow up in two days? But it's been a week now. Lol. I trust LUCK has forced you to keep your word. Thanks for the follow-up😀🌺
Lol🤣.
So it was actually two days I picked 🤦🤦
The good thing is, I remembered 🤸.
Welcome back.
I hope she's not going for a long vacation again after this
This is really very sad to say the least. For some reason, I give such responses to people whenever I'm occupied too, maybe because I feel all my friends are tough people just like you thought.
Losing a friend due to lack of attention can be very taunting. It's quite inevitable to not blame yourself especially when they chatted you up few days before their demise. Too bad your friend had to go so soon, must have been hard to live with this fact.
I'm guessing that after this, you started reading meaning to every "I'm fine"?.
Yes, it's something I learned the hard way especially the need to follow up and to check on someone when they just pop in my mind out of the blue.
To be honest it's not easy to tell if one is under mental distress from text alone unless they are willing to open up.
Thanks for stopping by Wongi!😊🌺
This is one reason why I like using voice notes while conversing with people. They could hide their emotions on texts but it's really hard to do that on voice notes.
It's always my pleasure hunny ✨.
That's actually a good plan and it is quicker than texting.💫 I will start using voicenote more!
Yeaaahhh..🤸
I convinced her😅
Yeah!😅
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