Panting swiftly, Queen Dera held her children tightly in her arms until she got to the hidden passageway in the kingdom. Opening the door, she closed it quietly and stared at her two children Eleanor 12, and Aaron 4. Turning her eyes to meet Eleanor, she spoke quietly.
"Elea, can you do Momma a favor?" She asked, her voice a bit urgent as the screaming got nearer. When Eleanor nodded, she continued, "You have to promise to hold on to your brother and protect him. Can you do that honey?" She asked as Eleanor nodded again.
Opening her daughter’s palm, she left her shiny necklace in her palm. Holding Eleanor's cheek, she spoke again. "This necklace will guide you to another hidden passageway, do not mind the loose board in your path and run."
“But, Mom..." Eleanor tried to speak but her Mum shushed her up as she listened intently. Gasping, she held on to Eleanor. "It has gotten nearer. I will buy you some time. Now run. Baby run."
And with that, Eleanor ran with her brother in her hands without looking back. She ran so fast, she almost felt her heart give up.
Following the light the necklace illuminated, she turned right to where the light from the necklace points as she saw tons of loose boards in her path dangling at the top of a mist. She didn't like the idea of climbing it a bit, but then she thought, "What if the loose board was a hidden passageway like mother had said?" With that, she shook off her fear of heights and climbed.
The cringing sound from the board wasn’t helping matters as it hurt her ears. She could have protected her ears, instead, she held her little brother, Aaron’s hand. Her mother's voice kept running in her mind.
“Don’t give up and climb the loose board… Protect your brother.”
As she moved on the loose boards, tears filled her eyes as she wished the spell of “Follow Suit” used on her brother was used on her too. But she knew better, the spell is dangerous because it allows you to follow anyone without complaining. It is like you don’t even know your surrounding. Her mother had used it on Aaron so that he won’t be able to see pain and evil around. His heart is pure and she hopes to keep it so. Glancing at her brother for a little while, she moved on. Not looking back. She knew what she had to do.
After some long hours of walking on the creaky loose boards, Eleanor got down from the last board as darkness curled her in. She hit the necklace in her hands to increase the light, but it didn’t shine brighter as she hoped. Reality dawned on her as she saw that the light was waning. Seeing how thick the darkness that curled her in was, she knew she has to move very fast as nothing good comes out of the dark.
Holding her brother tightly again, she ran toward the directions the little light left in the necklace pointed to. She needed to get out of the darkness as fast as she could. She won’t be able to protect her brother without the light. She knew they were watching... The dark dwellers.
Their eyes are sharp in their homes as they were always looking for a pure soul to camp in and her brother's soul is pure with the fact that he has the "Follow Suit" spell used on him so he won’t be able to fight them off. Sighing deeply, she knew she needs to fulfill her promise to her mother by protecting her brother at all costs.
Her ears could pick up the low murmurs of the dark dwellers as she ran. Their ways are tricky and they have been playing games with her mind to keep her slow and let the light off, but she can’t be moved by that. Her mother has told her stories of their dark ways.
As she remembered her mother, father, and the rest of the villagers, tears filled her eyes. They are all gone. She could feel it. Their souls called to her as she was a 'Soul Bearer'. That was the power gifted to her by the gods. She was a passageway for souls to move to the next world and the thought of escorting the people she loved to a world she can’t be in hurts her. She could feel their presence around her, urging her to cross them but here is her brother who was born with the purest soul and he needs to leave their fallen world for a better world.
The demons that attacked them came as a shock. It wiped out all of their soldiers and the rest, including her mother, had to stay back to fight and maintain it in their land so it won’t spread to another World and they have all died trying. She hoped they were able to contain it so that it won’t get to another World. That would mean a lot to her... That they didn’t die in vain.
A hand grip on her shoulder jerked her back to life. She realized the light in her hands was almost dead. "Oh, No!!!" She muttered abruptly. She has to do something very fast. The light can't die now. Her head sprang around as she tried to come up with something that will make the light glow a little. But her head was running wild at the claws on her body though her feet never stopped moving as tons of hands curled up on her. She lifted her brother and continued running, silently hoping she gets to her destination.
Just then, the light in her hands died as darkness clawed her in. She screamed out for help as she struggled on forward unrelentingly yanking off the claws of the dark dwellers with her movement. She twisted her body like a ballet dancer and edged on until a light shone on her as she realized she was in a passageway to a new World. The dark dweller won't be able to come closer. She was very sure of that. The light will blind them and drive them insane.
Putting her brother down she took the spell off him before chanting a spell that turned him into a baby as she pushed him toward the belly of a barren woman on Earth where he would be safe.
Turning around, she stared at the souls she was to escort to the other dimension as she lead them on knowing fully she would find another World where she could be in and watch over their last descendant and her beloved brother, Aaron.
Thank you.
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Thanks Hivebox😁😁
That's great @balikis95! We're excited to see your progress on Hive! We can't wait to see you achieve this next one!
I will put in more effort. Thank you
@balikis95 At the young age of 12, Eleanor, at her mother's insistence, set out on such a dangerous path with the help of the light of the necklace, saving her 4-year-old brother Aaron.
As I kept reading the story, I felt that some magical path was being mentioned, and it was probably so. In our childhood, our grandmother used to tell such stories and we used to get thrilled.
very good story.
I am glad you had a good read. Grandma's are gems. They are very good with stories.
First of, this story is really really good. I kept reading because I had to know what happened next.
I thought she wasn't going to make it with her brother out and then you go and add the last part where she pushed him into the womb of the barren woman.
If this was a chapter in a book, consider me your biggest fan😊😊😊
I feel inspired to continue writing with your words. Thanks for taking time to read and I am glad you love it.
This was an interesting read.
I really like how you used the prompt idea.
Sacrifices are hard to make especially when it concerns loved ones.
Eleanor is very brave.
Yes, she is. I am glad you had good read. Thanks for stopping by with your lovely comments.
Hmmm.. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you
You're welcome.
Nigerian?
You've crafted an interesting and compelling story, @balikis95. The urgency of her mother, and the presence of the demons in the darkness as she runs to get her brother to safety all add to the suspense of the story. You also did a nice job of starting with dialogue and action, and providing the background information on what is happening once the story is underway. That's a great technique!
As for some helpful tips, here are some things to think about for future stories. Consider varying the types of sentences you use when describing actions. For example, all three of the opening sentences of the story all have the same form:
The sentence form that starts with the "actor" followed by the "action" can be a very impactful sentence structure. For example:
Another tip is to indicate whose story you are telling sooner. For example, in this story the first two paragraphs indicate that it is the queen's story. But after that it shifts to Eleanor's point of view. So the reader has to make a mental shift to see the story through Eleanor's eyes.
We hope these tips are helpful. Thank you for sharing your story in The Ink Well, and for reading and commenting on the work of other community members.
I am grateful for these useful tips, I will work more on that aspect, and I reread the first line adding the suggestion and it sounds perfect. Thank you.
I really enjoyed your story, @balikis95. I was cheering Eleanor on as she navigated the darkness by the light of the necklace!
I had trouble visualizing the dangling floor boards:
I would have loved some more detail to help understand what she had to climb. And how she did so while carrying her brother. How does she know they are floor boards if they are dangling in the air?
But it's a good story, and it's so nice to see your writing skills developing so beautifully!
Thank you @jayna, it is very good to see you here as I am trying to do better in this. The correction made is taken note of and I will explore more on it. Thank you.
Congratulations, @balikis95! Your story has been chosen as one of the best of the week and is part of the highlighted author magazine #98.
https://peakd.com/@theinkwell/the-ink-well-highlights-magazine-98
Thank you for choosing. I appreciate it.
Very interesting story you have in there...
Thank you
I suggest you use scholarandscribes in your tags, it is a community of authors. Keep up the good work!
Yes, I use it.
Thankfully, you read to the last part. Thanks for stopping by.