Hi @coolbabe88. This is an interesting story. We'd like to provide some helpful feedback and some writing resources that we have available for you.
In this story, you start out writing in "first person" point of view. This means the narrator is telling the story. Then you switch to "third person" point of view. This means the story is told from the perspective of a character, as observed by the reader or a narrator.
Here's an example of "first person" point of view:
I was walking down the street one day when I saw a dog that looked lost and hungry."
Here's an example of "third person" point of view:
"Shelly was walking down the street one day when she saw a dog that looked lost and hungry."
When writing a story, the author must pick one point of view and write the story that way. If you mix them up, readers cannot follow the story. We don't understand who is telling the story. It is very confusing.
Another tip is to use quotation marks for all of your dialogue. As it is written, it's impossible for readers to know when the spoken statements begin and end. Here's an article in our catalog of fiction writing tips on how to write dialogue: How to write dialogue in fiction.
And the last tip is that all names should always be written with a capital letter. In your story you sometimes capitalize names and sometimes you don't. These are the kinds of quality details we look for when we curate stories.
We hope these tips are helpful.