As I stepped into my 32nd year on Earth I looked back.
The day after my birthday I opened up a box of memories from my past. The box contains photographs, journals, letters from pen pals and past lovers from about 12 years ago. In some ways this was a good experience and in other ways bad, as you might imagine.
When looking back I see the seeds that were planted back then, 19, 20, 21, and 22 year old me who was finding her way, falling in love with men and with magick. I am so glad for those years, however bittersweet.
I won't hide from you (dear reader) that walking too long down memory lane doesn't lead anywhere in particular. I spent some time in the past and brought back some hidden gems but also shed too many tears thinking of people I used to love and cherish who aren't in my life at all anymore.
Yesterday I decided: no more tears. No more looking back! I wondered if ten years from now I would regret these weeks of reminiscing when I could have been appreciating my current situation.
I am here, now, and want to full embrace the magick of this moment.
A few nights ago I gazed into the full moon as she reigned over the mountains. I never had these sorts of views as a child growing up in densely populated California suburbs. And later on, living in the biggest university town in Oregon I had views of houses and was surrounded by people I never had the space or time to do any ritual under the full moon.
And as for foraging and gathering herbs I tried my best in community gardens and alongside pathways. Now I live between stands of blackberry and rose, the perfect setting for a green witch to learn and grow.
It seems so fitting that in this time when I am healing from heart break that I find myself living in a place with the most potent heart medicine ~ the rose. The dried petals I add to teas and herbal oils but, these precious blossoms are destined for my altar and as ingredients of spell jars for self love and acceptance. I've made so many mistakes with friendships, love, and work in the past. Still, I have learned from those mistakes.
((welcome to now))
I need to trust in the wisdom I had, nearly 10 years ago when I decided to move on and search for a new life where my art and magick could grow.
The full moon photo was amazing. It seems you found a right place. And it was interesting to read that you were in California. I was there too for one year when I was a child. I dreamed to be back in my teenager time but probably not right now. I wish I will find my dream place soon too :)
Thank you! I was born in CA and lived there until I was 17. I grew up in a very populated area but recently have found some of the mountains and forests there that feel like home. I am really lucky to get to live in another country now as an adult and appreciate that so much. But, it would be a lie to say that I never look back and wonder what could have been if I had chosen another path. I think you can probably relate!
I am just a year or so behind you on the race of life, and it has taught so many lessons. It is interesting that as you say when we walk to long on the pathway of memories, we seem to focus so much on what brings pain and not growth. What the garden has taught me is to never go back, it does not always help. And lucky for me, I have found a partner that acts as the antidote to ever unlocking the door that leads to the past. I hope that your journey will become a beautiful garden with blooms and plants that feed on the bad memories so that they only become beautiful.
Very interesting to read your feedback on this subject! These past few weeks of looking back have taught me quite a bit ... even though they were melancholic moments. I think I had to do one (hopefully) last mourning of the past relationships that can no longer be and let them exist as memories rather than missed opportunities. The reminiscing became un-healthy and anti-growth was the wondering "what if" I had chosen another path or stayed in a particular place or with a particular person.
I too have found so much growth in my current relationship which couldn't have happened if I wasn't in a particular time and a particular place (Guatemala, 2016) which, oddly enough, was all arranged by my former partner. Funny how life is!
In all I am glad I walked memory lane at the start of this new cycle but, I need to close that chapter for a long, long time and enjoy all the wonder going on around me here & now.
Thank you so much for sharing your special memories like this. And yes, life works in mysterious ways, like the meeting you mentioned! Small things in life that add up over time. Maybe you have come across the book, but Milan Kundera's The Lightness of Being really touches upon everything you mentioned. One particularly beautiful but kind of tricky thing to wrap your head around is that "what if" moments. Life does not give us a second or third chance to see what happens if we made different choices. It makes life a really difficult thing, but it emphasises how important choices are!
I always imagined you to be a little older, not based on anything but what seems to me like a vast wisdom.
I'm only a little younger, but I an stunted. I live in the past. Every day I wallow in the thoughts of all the bridges I've burned and in fantasies of what could have been.
I can totally relate to what you say here! It is nice to hear that other people look back and regret the bridges burned. I really wish I hadn't done that but, as I can't change the past I am trying something new now. I should say that in this phase of looking back I did get in touch with people who's bridge I only partially burned and apologized for my disrespect of our friendship. Of course some friendships are gone forever and from that I can only learn to not repeat this.
Now that I type this I wonder if you are truly stunted or is it that your soul is focusing on the past so that you can repair some of those relationships and bring them into the present?
The relationships are beyond repair and the people I try to reach out to must have long since moved on and deleted me from their history. Nothing is salvageable. It is even difficult to create new relationships.
I'm really sorry about that :'(
Just don't give up on the possibility of finding new friends once you have done some personal healing.
I wish you luck!