While my wife is making some cakes for our daughter's birthday with friends tomorrow, we also had a couple over for a coffee, just to kill some time and shoot the breeze. They haven't seen the place for a long while, so we took them on a tour and they of course noted how different it all feels. Last time they were here was about a year ago, so only the upstairs bathroom was done and pretty much everything else was looking like a construction site, while we were living downstairs in what is now renovated as well.
We have a pretty orchid sitting on the coffee table and after they said how good it looks, I mentioned that the orchids we have are always in bloom, because while they aren't fake, once the flowers drop off, we buy another from IKEA. The problem for us is that they take too much care and while we have kept them alive quite long, we have only once got them to flower again, so we have given up. they are so pretty, but far too high maintenance for us!
However, growing out in our garden is another plant and no matter how much we try to kill it, it survives and comes back stronger. It is Japanese Knotweed and is a scourge on the planet and is likely the main cause of gardener suicides globally. They are seriously terrible plants but what I will give them is, they are as hardy AF.
Why is it that things we want are so hard to keep, but the things we don't want so hard to get rid of?
It seems the same with most things where for example, it is so easy to lose our fitness level and get fat, so hard to get rid of fat. Perhaps it is because of resilience - where the things we don't want are so used to "fighting for their live" that they have learned to live and thrive in even the worst conditions, but the things we want, love and nurture get so much support that they haven't had to adapt to the range of conditions, as we provide for them the best we can.
My friend was saying of their sixteen year old son, that he feels that one of the problems he is going to face in the future is that his childhood has been too soft. An only child with parents that have some means to provide opportunity and living in a country that is safe in so many ways. He hasn't ever really had to face any kind of adversity and a such, is unprepared for when he inevitably will.
I reckon this is actually one of the large macro-trend problems we are facing now, where so many people are so adversity starved, that even the slightest issue seems adverse, making everyone feel as if they are victims of their environment. The "survivor mindset" is no longer a thing, nor is the sense of overcoming adversity as people are not encouraged to deal with their own issues, they are encouraged to share them with the world for sympathy in the hope that someone else will fix the problem. they want the teacher to step in because Johnny called Billy a name, rather than having Johnny and Billy work it out for themselves.
"Teacher, Johnny's teasing me, do something, save me!"
It is funny because parents know that they want their kids to have a happy life and they might even know that introducing disappointment is necessary, but the environment created doesn't support that end. They don't want to be the "bad guy" who doesn't support their children's needs, they want to be the friend that supports their wants.
Parents seem eager to want to provide kids with opportunities to build skills for their future, but only if those skills are positive things, like playing an instrument or a sport. But, they take away the opportunity to learn skills like handling disappointment, dealing with adversity and conflict resolution. It is like these core skills that build up resilience to what can be a less than ideal world are expected to be learned from a book, not practice, and then they wonder why their kids are such fragile flowers and so many children are emotionally stunted, struggling and depressed.
While it is good to learn how to ask for help and lean on others for support from time to time, I think the bar to do so is so low now that people expect and probably need to be supported all of the time. Back in the day, people would look up to heroes in the hope they could aspire be a hero themselves, but I feel now that people just want to be saved by heroes, not save themselves. As a result, we are like the orchid, pretty, but high maintenance - always needing something that we expect someone else to provide.
I find it interesting how many people want to be an individual, but demand to be called a group label. How many claim independence, but complain when they are not supported by others. They want to be resilient, but spend all of their time wrapping themselves in cotton wool.
We are sold a story that we should be like pretty flowers, but perhaps we should open ourselves up to build the skills of the weeds, to be hardy, resilient and handle ourselves in even the toughest of conditions.
Who knows, perhaps we could learn to be both.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I despise that the privilege of the first comment’s been sapped by whatever bot that is. I love the point you bring up, of beauty and high maintenance. I follow a narrative about a player in a world named Weed. He touts those same praiseworthy traits of determination and hardiness, though he’s also a bit of a miser. Might be better to call him frugal rather than extravagant. It’s impressive to note that I can feel similarly to you while also being at times, what you’ve described. Some parts reliant other parts needy, as I wish and hope for someone to come help me out. It’s a definite balance to strike between requesting aid and saving yourself wherever possible. If nothing else, you help me reflect that I’m thankful for all the times I didn’t make it early on, as it helped build up my hardiness. Now I’m harder than ever and lot’s simpler, maybe not easier, than it used to be. Also, I’m in Boston, not New York! Lol life’s pretty quiet on my streets, probably cuz I hold it down so well. How’s my favorite Finn family faring? Can I send in a gift over the blockchain, I wonder?
Especially with such a ridiculous message.
Simple is good. Too much complexity and we become frozen by choice, unable to commit.
Oh, Boston!! Oops! My memory sucks ass :D
Posting kickass photos is gift enough.
I like the way you entered this post and the way you ended it.
It can be very disheartening when I see people saying all they want is money or something but don't care how it is gotten.
Some people just want the fish when the actual thing is knowing how to catch the fish.
I was talking to my girlfriend as to why she stopped hive and she was like there is nothing on hive because she wanted the money and she didn't get it.
She could not take the struggle of handling post that have no money value.
She couldn't struggle with forming the so called social capital.
All she wanted was the result.
I think learning to handle disappointment is something people should learn.
After learning this, then learning how to fight back will do a lot more.
Thank you for sharing. There is always something to learn from even a weed
Warning signs for a potential husband :D
Most people will never do the work necessary to reach their goals which is why most people do not reach their goals.
I know right.
I feel most people have not sat down to analyse what they didn't want.
I feel the first the first thing to do is identifying and then paying the price not to be in that position.
I guess its better to say I don't want to ever beg for money than I want to be comfortable.
I have totally wondered this about my child even though he’s small. I’ve wondered how I can manufacture hardship without feeling abusive.
It isn't easy - For me I am lucky, I am a disappointing enough father that she will have plenty of hardship.
Lol well the fiancé always makes me the “bad guy” so maybe I’ll be as equally disappointing. Although right now he seems pretty appeased as long as we’re playing cars or dinosaurs.
I don't know how it happened. I was meant to be good cop... Sneaky mothers - all so the hard work the dad puts in to make the children great is met by a "Hi Mum" the first time they win something on camera.
An interesting weed, I read a little of the link, I wonder who would survive the turf war between kudzu and the Japanese Knotweed. What would happen if the two were combined into one thru genetic manipulation? Would they it be stronger or weaker?
There are a lot of aspects of life that are not perfect, sometimes those imperfections are seen as adverse or adversity. A small imperfection in a product purchased and hidden then discovered is reason to go off half cocked on some poor person working the returns counter at the store.
The purchaser sees it as being taken advantage of, the final straw in the camels back. All of lifes' imperfections added up to that one moment where they feel the world is conspiring against them. Not adversity at all, just some small imperfections.
I wonder do store return desk clerks have a greater or lesser ability to deal with adversity?
if stronger, they will take over the world and other planets.
People are triggered so easily these days - the slightest of slights and the world falls apart, as does any sense of ethical decency.
When I worked retail, I was given all of the worst customers, as I was able to handle them without taking it personally. I would say that experience matters in this.
I really liked the focus of your publication. The fact of comparing what we want to maintain and does not survive and what must defend itself and fight against adversities, transferring it to common life.
Today's times are difficult in many aspects and one of them is precisely that which you so wisely focus on and that is the fact that some people (not to generalize, but there are many) ask for independence and always want someone else to solve their problems.
I think we should focus on being in balance with life, that is to say, neither so bald nor with two wigs. We must learn to want to solve our problems, of course, without believing we are self-sufficient or being freshers who leave the task to others.
As for children, it is a difficult task and even more so if they are unique. I am the mother of an only child and he is almost 21. Even though at times I tried to overprotect him, I am surprised by his capacity and maturity to face life. He already has a future planned and is working for it (even finishing his college career) and he is not dependent on me at all, but only in the affection part. It is very difficult to raise children in these times, and I agree with you in that we must give them space to learn to defend themselves and decide what to do in difficult moments, that is to say, let them live and learn. We parents should only be attentive if they need advice to evolve and overcome the situation.
Thank you for this nice read, I really enjoyed it. I will keep visiting your interesting blog. A hug and happy weekend! 🤗🌹
You wrote something about parents taking away the opportunity from their children to learn things about the "real" world and how to handle real life issues, by "babying" and shielding them, I wouldn't exactly say it's a bad thing because who'd blame them for wanting the supposed best for their kids, but I also think that the children enjoy the security of it all, because at some point when you leave the comfort of your home and you encounter real life issues instead of facing them head on and thinking and acting for yourself you'd want to run back to the security you've always known instead of facing issues head on - yes your parents shielded you, but your facing the real life now, why don't you face it literally.
I for one was really doted on, infact when I was to leave home to another city for my degree program, my cousins and aunts were saying I wouldn't be able to survive alone without my parents, but right now I'm the most independent person I know, who despite being shielded was still able to face (and is still facing) real life issues, with little or no support. It all boils down to how determined you are in wanting to face your issues by yourself when you can.
Exactly, and that is what I am referring to. We parents tend to overprotect our children because of the very dangers of life and I am not criticizing the behavior in a harsh way at all, because I did it myself with my son. However, we must be careful and not exaggerate this behavior because, at some point, it bothers children and they will show it to you (my son did). I have taken great care of my son and I still do at the age of 21, but I have learned to limit and not exaggerate this behavior for his well being. Of course, when he needs me, I am always there and in fact, I am always attentive, even if he is an adult. What I do do is moderate my behavior so that it is not exaggerated and seen as overprotective.
My son is also very independent and thank God he is well formed and determined, that reassures me. I was very protected by my parents and I also knew how to manage when I went to study in another city, it is a matter of not exaggerating our overprotection as parents.
Thank you very much for your very complete and well-supported commentary, it enriches mine.
No problem😌
I have never heard this before - I like it!
Parenting is hard in many ways - the ingrained genetics is there to protect our children, but we also have to learn to let them get hurt. I know parents who put helmets on their children when they are learning to walk, so they don't hit their heads. That is for the benefit of the parent, not the child. Pain is a great teacher.
hahahaha is a colloquial saying from my country. Something like that we should not exaggerate or take things away, everything in its right measure. The most important word for me in life is always Balance. We must practice it in all our behaviors in daily life.
Sometimes it is difficult not to fall into overprotection, especially if we have only one child. The current dangers make one as a parent have fears that they will be harmed and often tends to fall into this behavior.
However, the important thing is to reflect and give them the opportunity to evolve, even if we watch them from afar. Thank you very much for your comment. It is a pleasure to read you.
I don't think this current (or future, whatever you wanna call it ) generation is gonna be one of strong, resilient, independent people. We've simply made strength and resilience too unfashionable, as a society, for it to appeal to young people. Ours is a generation of "poor me" and "pity me", much as we like to masquerade as tough. We've got safe spaces and support groups and all these good places to save us from bad people. How could anyone grow strong in that?
I recently watched a documentary about this, "No Safe Spaces", addressing the insane amount of cotton-wooling in universities, and how these kids are being told that what they don't wanna hear just doesn't exist anymore. It looks both at the effect this has on society (grim) and the effect it has on these young people, who will then be thrust into a world too harsh for their liking (again, the conclusion is grim).
I'm sure we could learn both. I just don't think these young generations are going to be the ones to do it.
It is rewarded behavior and everyone acts on incentive. Encourage victims, breed more victims.
I find it interesting at times when people talk about something like racism who have never experienced it, as if they have. They stick up for "my rights" without considering whether I need their help at all, as if I am too weak to speak for myself - and they don't see the irony.
It is a funny world we live in.
When it comes to learning, the fastest path is applying enough pain.
That's one of the things that irritates me about these so-called social justice warriors, also. We aren't treating each other as equals, and what's worse, we're deepening the rift between races, sexes, and any other category you can think of.
I was going to say "unfortunately so", but I wonder now if unfortunately is the right word. To wish the world didn't require pain and suffering to survive would be pointless. No, it's not fair, and sure, things might be nicer, but this is what it is. Reminds me of this..
Pain is part of life. I don't think it is unfortunate - it is just the fastest way to learn how t do something the right way so it doesn't hurt. The fear of getting hurt is what stops us learning more.
Hi @tarazkp,
Regarding the Japanese Knotweed issue I can give you a suggestion: glyphosate 36% sprayed at 16cc/ltwater dose. If you have any doubt on this I can give you further info. Protect yourself when treating as well as avoid "touching" other desired weeds. If properly applied it will kill the root system.
About our fragility as a society not to exclude the younger people, it's an expected and the likely result of the culture in which we are grown, the "developed world". There are places in our planet that are not following this path.
"We are told" everytime that "they" (governments) will provide us all the necessary to have a comfortable life: they will care of our health, our economic resources; they will manage the "bad guys" (justice system) punishing them and will reward the "good guys" (whoever they are, lobbies?); they will protect us from any danger we may face (that's why armies exist) and they will create the proper laws to build a happy and perfect social system where peace and wealth are spread equally...
Are we telling the youngest that "they" (authorities) are wrong?, dangerous zone!
I have tried, but the roots are far too deep it seems. Last year I spent weeks systematically treating them - this year it is like I had done nothing but planted more seeds. I have a potential solution, but not sure if it is viable - electrocute them all at their roots.
Yes there are and they are often violent and terrible places too. How come there is no way to improve without having to torture ourselves first?
I don't trust any government has my best interest at heart - I am a necessary evil for them to serve their purpose.
Yes, there's a herbicide system (under development) just using electricity for this. It may work but I don't know how it works exactly in terms on current rate and way to transmit it to the ground roots. More info: https://zasso.com/
Using glyphosate in such cases require special measures:
Hope it helps.
I'm with that 100%.
Maybe I was blessed to be raised by a single parent, as I certainly had to learn quickly how to stand up against the odds. A tough life breeds character and we see so many helpless ones. "Children" aged 30 and 40 are still living with their parents and when the parents die, they are totally lost in this world.
I had to fight my way through and I taught my children the same. They are all well off and independent today and they teach their children the same.
As far as I have observed, parents nowadays bring up their kids mostly in a negative way unfortunately. First of all, when crying, they give phone or tablet to the kid. Therefore, the kid take acquaintance of such devices in very early ages.
They make their kids spoiled. Never say stop. I dont understand why. I assume that they think it brings self confidence in kids. Wrong!
I see some kids grow up without touching even soil. They grow up at homes, don't know what microbe, dirt are..
"Why is it that things we want are so hard to keep, but the things we don't want so hard to get rid of?"
This line is very familiar in our daily life style .for an example: we love to see our favorite crypto jumps to great in price value even the people sentiment is very supportive but later what happen? only the poor performing crypto chase your favorite crypto in more value. who knows the gaming coin like fantom , dpet, axie infinity lead the market in market cap but the hive which is true gems of bloging ,DeFi and gaming combination will still stay far behind them.
Anyways, Good things always expect high care and maintanace and Hive working on it , little delayed but sure it will reach the destination.
I've spent some time pondering the enduring popularity of Zombies in pop culture.
Best theory so far, is that they're an escape into a simpler world. Where people have actual problems; but also where those problems can be solved.
If you look at a nebulous problem like The patriarchy, not only is it a non-problem; it's also unsolvable.
A zombie trying to eat your face is a very real problem, and if you survive the encounter, you've succeeded.
Real, simple problems, with real, simple solutions.
That's an intoxicating premise right now.
Thinking about it all now, there are things I could endure because I'd faced them while growing up and when I see people complain about things like that, I smile in disbelief.
Looking at the weed and orchid illustration from another angle, it seems like it's the things we don't want that keeps coming to us; some relationships we don't want to engage in keep pushing, while the one we love don't reciprocate.
I believe and accept that little of challenges here and there is needed to build resilience and I'm making the decision that when I become a parent, I'd show my kids how life could be on the different sides of the coin.
And before I forget, happy birthday to your daughter, wishing her a healthy long life and prosperity 🎉