It was my first day of kindergarten and as I walked in the front gate, I discovered something about myself I never knew. I am colored - and it is a bad thing. I also heard a word that I had never heard before as well, it started with N. I was four years of age and up until that point, I had apparently been around a very different kind of community, one that was of many colors, but one that didn't give a crap about it. From that point on and for the next decade or so, my new community, the general public, was not quite as cosmopolitan in their thinking.
It is funny that past the age of 13 or 14, I didn't experience that kind of running commentary on how I looked, even though I went to high school with some of the same people that were in that kindergarten playground. People generally grow up and start to understand the world through experience, rather than the opinions of their parents - not all, but most.
When I came to Finland, the social commentary picked up again for the first few years, but it was more laughable than anything else. It is hilarious when adults are trying to abuse you, but don't have the skill to outperform the words of children. If you hear something often enough, it disempowers the meaning and the intention - it becomes meaningless. Well, unless I would have identified with and defined myself by it. Not worth my time and effort - I was far too busy "stealing" Finnish women.
While as a young kid this was all kind of confronting and very difficult at times, as I grew, it all lost its power with me, desensitized me and as a result, had very little affect on me other than the social consequence of spending more time alone or with a very small circle of very good friends - One or two at primary school. This was a great time to do some observing of those in my peer group - though they wouldn't have considered me one of their peers at the time.
It is probably at that first walk through the gate at the kindergarten when I began observing people more closely, paying attention to not only what they say and do in the group, but also watching what they do when they think no one is paying attention. Happy people with sadness in their eyes, self-confident people watching others with jealousy, bullies who after the anger subsides, have a look of remorse.
It is interesting to see how people act and if they are acting with the intention to inflict what they think will cause pain on another and don't feel remorse of some kind, what does that mean? Sadistic, psychopathic? Anger triggered in the moment might cause a "temporary insanity" reaction - but looking to cause pain with premeditation is an altogether different scenario, a different personality.
Of course, acting with the intention to cause pain might not actually cause pain to the intended target, as the target would have to actually feel it. While one act might give a probability model to say "this should hurt" - if the target is not within the model, it might not hurt at all and could even be empowering - Kind of like the difference in reaction to trash talk on the court, some will be thrown off their game, some will up their game - some will leave the game altogether.
Generally, bullying behavior takes the stance that there is going to be a standing down in the face of it, that the fear of pain will be enough that it will not be challenged. But, that generally depends on who is being bullied and in general, it will be a larger picking on a smaller - as the risk is lower. Bullies don't take the "pick on someone your own size" approach, because that defeats the purpose - there is too much uncertainty and they do not want to risk losing, as losing will lower the fear felt by others - the fear validates them.
I don't mind what most people consider bullies as in my experience, I am stronger for have experienced them, than if I had lived a life protected from their kind. Some people want to remove them from the environment as they don't see the positives, just the negatives - and everything has both sides of the coin. Sure, some people are going to be damaged by bullying, but pretending that there aren't assholes in the world by removing them from view, doesn't fix the problem - it just lowers the toolkit and resiliency when they are finally met.
And, if you hang around online, you are going to meet bullies - most of which might have been the ones bullied when they themselves were young, but were damaged, not empowered by it. The screen offers protection through anonymity and physical altercation, it gives distance and hurdles to real-world, face to face interaction. As the saying goes, no one knows you are a dog on the internet.
People can be who they want to be online and this is brilliant, as many people try to be their best and get access to audiences that they wouldn't have earlier, doing things they would never have had the opportunity to do. The flip side is that there are always emotionally broken people who will take the opportunity to try and be what they couldn't be otherwise, controlling. The internet doesn't bring out the worst in people, people bring out the worst in themselves, they leak, just like how people show their true-selves through their actions and expressions when they think no one is watching.
Some do it for the attention through drama, a desire for relevancy - some do it because they are reminded of what was done to them when they had no defense against it - some do it because they are bullies from birth and that is their M.O. - some do it because they just like seeing people feel pain, even if it is imagined.
This is the interesting thing I think with some bullies online, as they think that what they do actually holds negative weighting in the mind of their target, they walk away thinking "they won" even if the target is unaffected or empowered by it. The anonymity that the internet provides them, shelters them from the feedback of those they intend to harm also - kind of like a kid teasing a gorilla at the zoo - one that could rip their arms off other than the piece of reinforced glass separating them.
Bullies will always get support online as the design of the social spaces is created for polarity and drama. No matter what bullies do, there will be some sub-section that will always come to justify and validate their behavior - even if the majority are against it. Because sub-set support is often vocal, the bully can feel that what they are doing has the support of more than it does. While some have the sense that bullies will finally get what is coming to them, because of the ability to always find a new corner of support, but I don't think that is the case, especially online.
In many cases online, the bully will actually get more support for their behavior, as is the case with some of the politicians that are getting voted into positions of power. Many people actually like bullies that they can support without revealing themselves publicly, as then they can proxy the inflicting of pain on others - they like seeing the people they are jealous of get hurt - but they don't want to be the one directly doing the hurting.
Like it or not, we live in a world that is more intent on bringing people down, than lifting people up. We can see this in the desire from some to move wealth from the rich to the poor by force, rather than help the poor become rich through education and training and the understanding of the way economies work - and through doing so, change the economy. Online it isn't necessarily money that people want to tear away, it is attention and prestige, reputation and admiration - they want to hide their own inadequacies by bringing others down to their level. Some who feel they have climbed up high, will knock others down who attempt to follow - they want to broadcast they should be admired and "you could be like me" in one aspect, while simultaneously breaking the rungs of the ladder behind them.
I wonder what would happen to the bullies in different circumstances, were roles and rankings shifted. Does the big bully at school behave similarly when surrounded by giants? Does the financial bully challenge those who are far wealthier? Bullying definitely seems to be a "trickle down" economy.
But, size alone doesn't make a bully - contrary to popular belief. There are plenty of healthy people out there who do not carry the same personality traits and use their various size factors in a much more productive and generative way - it is very possible that when these generators were young, they were the targets of bullying themselves and rather than be damaged, they ere empowered by the experience and perhaps the course of their life was fundamentally shifted, for the better.
All experiences have the potential for growth or retraction and it is up to us to negotiate life for ourselves. There is the Golden Rule approach however, that says we should treat people the way we ourselves would like to be treated. When this is mentioned to bullies though, they generally say - "try it" as they feel themselves secure in their position and untouchable - it speaks of their insecurity, not their strength - confidence when they feel they already have the upper hand.
Put people in unfamiliar environments that no longer reward the skills or care for the possessions one holds, and I wonder what happens to the confidence. Will the rich survive the life of the poor, the strong the life of the weak? Perhaps most of us will never know any other life conditions than the ones they are accustomed to, but perhaps we will - perhaps there will be those among us who have succeeded often but end up failing big - those who have failed often and end up succeeding. It is hard to say - but at the end of the day, we all do what we do and must live with ourselves until our own death - who and how we affect the people in our world is our responsibility and our legacy. Some might see success as inflicting maximum damage on their world, others maximum growth.
Push down - or lift up.
The past is filled with lessons that should be carried with, the baggage of the past can stay where it is. Not many travel light these days - which makes moving a very slow and difficult process.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
A chunky but interesting read.
Did you fade in later years? I think I’m more tan 😊
I remember standing up for both Indian and Chinese friends at school, children/people can be nasty bastards at times. There were less screens back then though, so you either got a punch in the face or they backed off.
Yet you made it! :D
I did fade, mostly my energy levels. I am not overly dark, but compared to those in the town ...
The potential to be punched in the face , stops much of the bullying. Digital punches don't do much.
On the phone as well - should have scrolled to check but the first paragraph got me reading.
🥊
Feel anything?
That was below the belt!!
Mate, you've lived so long in the Mediterranean that isn't considered a tan anymore.
Fair, but I have been back in the UK for ten months and still think I could shade him out :D
Playing the exotic bonus card with those light-skinned ladies, mate? :D
Definitely!! I also got better at flirting and dancing - just to cover me for old age when the looks fade (even further) ;D
No blame here at all. Market demand and offer aso.
When I worked in cocktail bars I was one of the worst possible flirts around. Keeping barf lies and women at the bar attracts men, men who pay founds. It was expected, integral part of the job.
And boy did it influence my average tip %. More so even once it became obvious that scoring wasn't part of the game. I only cared about the tips, not the phone numbers. They were too easy a game.
This is something that became an issue before i met my wife - it was getting very boring as there was very little challenge in the process. The best part is the uncertainty.
Hi @tarazkp. Beautiful, and sad, post. It saddens me to read that you were bullied. But it lightens my frown to read that it doen't affect you anymore, that you have to understand the mechanisms behind bullying, the psychology behind (most of the) bullies.
Most of the things you write, I agree with, as I have experienced it and analysed it myself. However, there was one thing that I found a bit difficult to agree with.
You mentioned in your post, that the reasons behind bullying are many - the bully's own insecurites, maybe they grew up being bullied themselves and instead of turning it into a positive thing, they repeated the vicious cycle. The reasons are many.
But that is where we disagree. In my opinion, being a bully means that there are some aspects of your life that are not the ways you want them to be, i.e. insecurities. You know the saying of why some men drive huge cars? I've come to the understanding that some people, maybe most, try to make up for some lacks by turning to other aspects. (I apologise for my English). Do you know what I mean? They try to make up for it in other areas of their life. Maybe by hurting others as this may give them some feeling of (as you mentioned) empowerment, so that the area in which they feel they have 'lacks' doesn't feel so big anymore.
And so the karmic cycle finishes. And keeps on going for some.
Because even though internet bullies may experience the increase of one's own balls, as they saying goes, their own insecurities and lacks are still present when the screen is turned off. They may not be visible at the time. They may be repressed for some time, but everything repressed comes back tenfold. That's why we should pray for the bullies (if you're religious). We should forgive them. And we shouldn't give in to the unhealthy attention that they're seeking. All PR is not good PR.
That was nearly an essay. I apologise for that. But I really wanted to comment haha. I hope your post opens some eyes out there - both for bullies and for those who have been bullied.
Have an awesome day :)
I agree. What we repress, we empower. The energy we use to hold something back is an opportunity cost.
What I meant in the "they don't get what is coming to them" necessarily is, the social cost of their behavior. They will always know that they are broken themselves, unless pathological.
I am the last one to complain about long form writing :D
I totally agree.
I've experienced it myself, I've seen it in others. It should stop. And also, going to a psychologist once a month should be obligatory from the end of primary school. But that's another story.
Maybe they do get the social cost of their behaviour. We may never know. Maybe the ones around them see this, and hence act accordring towards them. Maybe now, maybe later in life.
Haha :) Actually we shouldn't apologise for that. When we have something on our mind, we should express it. And not be afraid of boring others, etc. There are times where we should stfu, and some should be locked up for their words and thoughts, but I think you know what I mean.
Finnish men must be super jealous that you caugh yourself a beautiful and smart blonde finnish girl :D
Sometimes, I see the jealousy in their eyes - it makes me chuckle.
But then we grow up and the bullies start running when they see me.
I am white, but I was poor and was forever being bumped around and teased.
"You are so ugly and that's why your father ran away" was a familiar tune and many other tunes by the "better" classes.
A feared colored guy (gangster) became my protector and he convinced my mom to sign me up for amateur boxing. Stayed there for 12 years and was constantly surprised at my successes. (Ambidextrous and could box both left and right stance) which confused many opponents.
Funny thing is my eldest daughter is right handed, my son is ambidextrous, (strikes with both feet in football) and my youngest daughter is left handed. But I digress.
Color was always an issue, but lately things are starting to open up, simply because children are becoming more open minded. Bullies however there will always be and the bad ones are the isolated ones. In a crowd, go for the one with loudest vile mouth and take him out, then the crowd suddenly disperses.
Just some personal experiences and glad you have elected to take the positives out of your own nasty experiences.
Take care!
There will always be bullies and when all are gone, the next generation are waiting to be born. I think that part of the benefit of them is understanding how community can overcome minority aggression, even of the worst kind if they decide to.
Would love to put a bag up in the basement, not that I am much of a boxer, but it is one of the best exercises there is. :)
Yeah, we can only hope that bullying will not find a home in the next generation. I Africa that will be nigh impossible. The guys kill their wives over here in front of their children and trauma is rife.
That's why we run the free trauma training project for child workers.
Good idea about the bag. My youngest daughter is in some form of modern boxing training, not for boxing as it is fitness classes. She says it is called exercise boxing. Never watched it, but I suppose it is some sort of shadow boxing.
It is a hard road for a child to come back from. "Parents" have a lot to answer for in many ways.
Then of course there are also "missing" parents my friend.
5 kids left with a granny to raise. Many child headed households also over here.
Of course not to speak about the thousands of orphans.
Yep, it is a sad state of affairs and speaks of one of the legacies left by poverty
Poverty resulting mainly from apartheid my friend.
It will take generations to sort this country out with its mega problems!
bullying wasn't a new thing for me. I was bullied many times in my entire life. I was bullied for being me. This post takes me back to my school days. bullying is a kind of experience of every student. it was a nightmare 😈
For each it can be different. The nightmare for me was when I was very young and hadn't yet understood what was happening. but, I learned and it became part of the game - a negotiation with life.
stealing Finnish women :) , hope that you had good time
"You come here and steal our women" was a common phrase, with some expletives added. Firstly, perhaps not seeing women as their property would be a good start.
<hope that you had good time
I did for a while.
Bullying is a natural phenomenon, like contagious diseases. Its roots are in our instinctive desire to struggle over dominance in a group. The in-group out-group distinction plays into it, too. Bullying is at its most savage when a group targets and individual (or sometimes a group) it perceives as out-group. While intra-group contests over dominance are the norm, there are some limits as to how far that can go, whereas there are no limits as to how badly we can treat those whom we perceive as not part our group.
You wrote one of your primary school teachers took part in bullying you. Is that correct? This was in the 1980s? It's unbelievable how unprofessional some teachers could be. That speaks volumes about the wider community you lived in back then.
It can also be targeted over time to change perceptions and push the narrative of an in-group into that of an out-group. We see this a lot in the political arena now.
Yes. Ms Harris. :) Mean woman in many ways and it got so bad that the mother of my one friend in the school, removed him from the school as he was getting bullied by the teacher for being my friend. Interesting times indeed - That was year 3, so I was eight years of age.
The likes of your teacher are scum.
Has Australia changed since the 1980's? I would assume, yes, although I wouldn't bet a large sum on it.
While becoming desensitized to things like that seem to have conferred some degree of personal benefit to you, there are many others to whom people in position of power like your teacher have caused serious harm. I've been under the impression that you were able to stand up to your bullies physically. For others, a teacher being the ringleader of all the bullies may have meant getting physically beaten on a regular basis, money being extorted from them etc. while having no fear of repercussions.
Too much desensitation can have the side effect of distorting one's sense of justice.
Yes, but there has been pushback from what I see in recent years - especially against some groups. politics and news drives this.
Not really. I did get into a couple altercations, but mostly it wasn't physical. I was never a strong kid. There wsas definitely no fear of repercussion at the time though - luckily, I had no money :D
This works on both sides of the equation.
I was just start read and I gk back to read now 👌😅 happy I can read something good.
It is a long read... :D
Not it was not 😅👌
Superb story! Your way of telling is incredible and it is of very good quality :)
I am french so sorry for my english :)
Thank you. I don't speak any French so English will have to do. :)
Congratulations @tarazkp! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
You can view your badges on your board and compare to others on the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPDo not miss the last post from @hivebuzz:
Slacker.
:D
Man. It is the most interesting thing that I have achieved in these days of quarantine in Hive on a personal level, I dare confess.🙋
What do you mean?
PoSh position
👍